Lynn Cheney, speaking on MSNBC today, revealed a long hidden fact: her husband Dick and Barack Obama are distant cousins: one eighth to be exact! Mrs. Cheney says they have tried to keep this from the press but an anonymous source in the White House leaked the story.

     For her part, she said that they had not had relations with Kevin Bacon even though Dick looks more like he then Barack Obama.

     Obama replied that only Mrs. Cheney would find this remarkable. "Doesn't she know that we are all only six (6) steps away from Kevin Bacon? Do the math girl. That means at most we would be one 12th cousins! One eighth is nothing."

     The President had this to say about Rove's leaving. "We are really happy that Karl re-signed and agreed to stay the course. That's what a good man should do and Karl is a good man. I believe in him. And when you believe in somebody, you protect 'em. That's what I do. I make decisions and I protect. I protect the people of this great country from a house of dominos and I make decisions all day long."

      "Well, as I said, it is great to know that I have the backing and trust of someone I believe in. Karl will work closely with me and Rummy in the coming years to help fight tearists. And he's a good man for the country. I'm glad he re-signed."

     It was not immediately apparent to reporters what the President  meant or understood. Presidential spokesperson Tony Snow who also resigned was unavailable for comment on the President's remarks.

President Speaks in Africanized Killer Bee Carrying Avian Flu Country: Coto de Caza

How to Pick a Country to Invade Bush Style
     "I know nothing about the war. No siree Bob! Look, [Secretary] Cheney came to me in October of 2001 and asked me to pick a country to invade in Messopotamia and I chose Iraq." Explaining his choice of countries, Bush had this to say, "He showed me a map that had two Muslim countries spelled nearly the same, Iran and Iraq. I figured there was some redundancy in the United Nations so I chose Iraq. What's the big deal? I'm the deciderer not the intelligencer. I don't make intelligence, I deciderer. You see when I decide, I decider. That's the way it is. The buck stops here. I am the deciderer!"

Rumors Suggest Brain Damage and Homer Simpson Syndrome
     There have been persistent rumors in the media recently suggesting that Rumsfeld would resign after he was found to have suffered a brain injury. Reports suggest that this occurred when he stuck a pencil up his nose to get a... and fell.
     His spokesperson, Paul Wolfowitz, vigorously denied this rumor despite the fact that images of what appears to be a pencil stuck in Rumsfeld's sphenoid sinus on a CT scan taken earlier this year at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Washington, D.C. were circulating on the web.
     He also denied that Rumsfeld was suffering from "Homer Simpson Syndrome." This syndrome is caused by placing a crayon or other object in your brain as Homer Simpson did in a recent episode. "While it is a tragedy for Mr. Simpson and his family, Mr. Rumsfeld does not have any neurological deficits that we can detect at this time."

Re-signing a Blessing Says Bush
      Speaking to the media, President Bush had this to say, "We are delighted that Rummy has decided to re-sign with our team. He has been a huge asset to us and we look forward to another two years of his service. Let me have this to say about Rummy. Now he get's a lot of heat. So do I sometimes. Shucks, it seems like we all get heat here in the White House."
     He continued, "But the man's got character and I respect that in a man. Ya see, a man has to live by his word. I live by my word. When I say we're going to fight them over there, we're going to fight them over there. Now some of you don't like that. But it's like Vietnam. They're a house of Dominoes. We were there and we weren't there and then we were there. It sort of like hide and go seek. And once they fell we had boat people over here. So that's why we're fighting them in Cambodia and Laos so we don't have boat people. In any case we're glad to have Rummy re-signed."

Cheney in the Closet

Feared for Life
     "What did you expect? That I'd be out in the open where that Governor or Libby can shoot me. I already shot Libby. I shot that Governor, what's his name, in the face. I am a dead duck if either of them finds me. I'm sure a hit man is after me," said Cheney explaining his hiding in the restroom.

Traveling with President, Proselytizing
     Cheney, traveling with the President while the President tries to rekindle America's love affair with Cheney's war, has been virtually unseen in recent months. Rumors that he was dead or buried in Grant's tomb or in a concrete building cornerstone were routinely pooh-poohed by the White House. "He's alive and well and planning our next war I can assure you," said White House spokesperson and former Foxx news anchor Tawny Snow.

Secret White House Task Force Formed

Bush's Not Too Secret Plan. A Mistake?
     Rumors of plans for an invasion of Iraq have dogged the administration as far back as December, 2006 when numerous blog sites, including this one, reported on Bush's secret plan. At the time, it was thought that he had mistaken Iraq for Iran, a close by Muslim country.

Iraq or Iran?
     At the time, Snow said that while it was possible, he could neither deny nor confirm the President's apparent confusion. "He had anesthesia for his colonoscopy several months ago and there maybe some lingering after effects," he said apologetically. "It's hard to tell when's he's confused or just normal like."

Snow "Clears" Up the Confusion Over Battle Plans
     When pressed for clarification of his previous denial, Snow had this to say: "When I say there's no credible evidence, it means just that. There's no one left here with any credibility who has presented any evidence or said anything about the existence of such a task force. Now that doesn't mean that one does or doesn't exist, it's just that it's a rumor and we don't engage in rumors. We only talk about facts or evidence and I haven't seen any. Is that clear?"

Bush Strikes Out at Opponents of Iraq War
     As usual, for his part, the President only seemed to add to the confusion. Speaking this week at the Charleston Air Force Base, Bush tried to emphatically lay out the case for an invasion. "There are those that will tell you that Al Queda in Iraq is not part of the global war on terror. Do not be fooled by the devil. When I say that they are part of Iran, I mean Al Queda, they're part of Al Queda. It's just that simple. You see, when I say something, I mean it. That is why we are respecturated around the world. If I say it, I mean it. It's just that simple. And I said it so I mean it. Next question."

Promises Offers Memberships

Benefits for Frequent Flyers
     "It offers a lot of benefits that are not available to less frequent users. We provide housing on a separate concierge floor, greeting basket with crack and cheese, hot tubs for two or more, reserved spaces poolside with good exposure to photographers, late afternoon tea with actual tea, free shuttle service from jail and guaranteed availability. Heck, we even reimburse clients for the phone call!" said Francis.

Approved for Excessive Ambition Syndrome

Identifying Those at Risk
     Mark Rocker of the marijuana advocacy group NORML said "Wow, this is big. I mean like wow. Big. Reeeeally big! It was cool. We helped name it. We were going to call it 'Weed' or 'Relax' or 'Pot' but they were in use." He was unable to comment further.
     The Right Reverend Author Dan Coulter called this the onset of the apocalypse. "There can be no clearer a sign that the end is near. Bush is loosing in Iraq, men are getting married to each other, parenthetically, I might add that I have no problem with girls marrying girls, and now the approval of a gateway drug by the Government. We're going to have millions of people hooked on hard drugs like alcohol and Vicodin as a result of this. It is a terrible move."
     The FDA issued guidelines on the drug's use. "We expect that only those individuals with high levels of ambition will be candidates for the drug. Anyone demonstrating an ability to get tasks done, routinely go to work, ever staying late, skipping vacations, unable to identify skateboard stars or seeking public office of any type would be candidates," said FDA Commissioner Sarah Ann Panz.

     Scientists today provided unequivocal evidence from multiple sources demonstrating that George W. Bush was indeed descended from the Great Ape.
     Previous studies of his brain had disputed such a conclusion. Speaking on behalf of a world wide research team, Dr. August P. Von Stuepnagel said that Bush's brain, although pea sized, is shaped like the Great Ape's. "There is no doubt about it. We are sorry to say but he, like all the rest of us, is descended from the Great Apes.

Blow to Darwinism
     This is an astounding blow to Darwin's theory of evolution. Darwin held that descendants would be superior in some aspect to their fore father's thereby giving them a survival advantage. "To find a specimen such as Bush this far along the evolutionary chain who is so clearly defective calls Darwin's theory into doubt, "said Stuepnagel.

Christians Hail Findings as Validation of Creationism
     Around the world, fundamentalist Christians hailed the findings. "See, we told you that God could create anything he wanted at anytime. Whether it's the great flood and Noah, or it's George Bush, God has a hand in it," said the Right Reverend Author Dan Coulter. "Yeah, it must be some kind of a joke, a cruel joke indeed, if God was his creator." said Stuepnagel in retort.

Bush Met with Pope
     Reporters from Foxx and other news organizations pressed presidential press secretary Tawny Snow for clarification. He stated that the President had met with the Pope and, after kissing his ring, asked for help with the Iraq war. The Pope declined.

     Found in a drawer in a house in Galilee under some old Playboys, the book is dated 36 AD suggesting that it was written by one of the apostles. The initial news reports that it was written by Judas Iscariot are probably wrong as he is known to have been writing his own gospel at the time.

     The most striking feature of the new book is an explanation for lingerie worn at night by women in the first century. The pictures are remarkably well preserved and suggest that Playboy magazines may have a use other than reading the articles. The new Book explains for example, the hidden meaning of a T-shirt as well as the meaning of a bustier. Below are some of the translations, as provided to Foxx in an exclusive story, by Father Guido Sarducci, Jr.

Lanz cotton night gown = no way Jose (notice the hands on hips). Probability = 0% Temperature in Hell = -276 F.

     For her part, Nowak professed that this was a match made in heaven and that she had forgotten all about Captain Colleen Shipman. Shipman was the 'other woman' in a love triangle with Bill Oefelein whom Nowak allegedly assaulted in an Orlando, FL airport. She allegedly drove from Houston, TX to Orlando, FL wearing diapers so that she did not have to make a 'pit stop'.

      "I'm over that. I'm not going there. Nick and I fell in love in the parking lot doing a deal and we got married inside by the greeter. The greeter assured us that he was a Justice of the Peace," she said. Nolte said that the newly married couple planned to honeymoon at a Sam's Club in Orlando after Nowak is cleared of all charges.

More Attacks

Bush Wins Fishing Competition
     President Bush, vacationing in Kennebunkport, ME, is monitoring the events by Blackberry and TV news while he fishes, goes to church, and plans a wife swap for tonight. Bush 43, took the fishing competition by landing a 6 ounce Chilean Sea Bass. He attended services this morning at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion.