It has been many years since the Dead Sea scrolls were found in the desert surrounding the Dead Sea. However, archeologists, working with Heraldo Rivera, a Foxx reporter, have uncovered what they believe to be a new Book of Revelations.

     Found in a drawer in a house in Galilee under some old Playboys, the book is dated 36 AD suggesting that it was written by one of the apostles. The initial news reports that it was written by Judas Iscariot are probably wrong as he is known to have been writing his own gospel at the time.

     The most striking feature of the new book is an explanation for lingerie worn at night by women in the first century. The pictures are remarkably well preserved and suggest that Playboy magazines may have a use other than reading the articles. The new Book explains for example, the hidden meaning of a T-shirt as well as the meaning of a bustier. Below are some of the translations, as provided to Foxx in an exclusive story, by Father Guido Sarducci, Jr.

Lanz cotton night gown = no way Jose (notice the hands on hips). Probability = 0% Temperature in Hell = -276 F.

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     Uniting two of America's shining lights, Nick Nolte announced that he had secretly married Lisa Nowak at a Walmart store in Orlando. "She was shopping for some diapers (size 0) and I was looking for some Depends," said Nolte. "They don't have that size in jail you know."

     For her part, Nowak professed that this was a match made in heaven and that she had forgotten all about Captain Colleen Shipman. Shipman was the 'other woman' in a love triangle with Bill Oefelein whom Nowak allegedly assaulted in an Orlando, FL airport. She allegedly drove from Houston, TX to Orlando, FL wearing diapers so that she did not have to make a 'pit stop'.

      "I'm over that. I'm not going there. Nick and I fell in love in the parking lot doing a deal and we got married inside by the greeter. The greeter assured us that he was a Justice of the Peace," she said. Nolte said that the newly married couple planned to honeymoon at a Sam's Club in Orlando after Nowak is cleared of all charges.

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Acne, Impetigo, or Scrofula?
     Scared prison officials immediately released famed inmate Paris Hilton from jail to her parent's house after she developed a lesion on her lip overnight. Officially she is "reassigned" to house arrest, is required to wear a tracking ankle bracelet and is not to leave more than 3000 feet from her parent's posh Beverly Hills mansion.
     Prison officials were alerted to the medical development by her famed attorney. She was whisked away from solitary detention where she was no risk to other inmates late last evening under the cover of darkness to home.

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Two Day Marathon Longest
      It seems that Paris Hilton has skills other than her much admired lingual talents. She has now set a record for the most number of days spent in jail by a Hollywood do nothing.

    By completing her second night in lock down at Century Regional Detention Facility, she brought the total number of nights in jail she has served to 2. According to Ms. Hilton though that is actually equivalent to 2 days*. This means she has broken records held by Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Courtney Love. The previous record holders were unavailable for comment.

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     The Ladies Professional Golf Association (LPGA), long considered a bastion for lesbian and bisexual (L&B) women, mandated today the wearing of 'sexier' clothing by its members. No longer will fatigues, baggy tee shirts, gang attire, culottes, shorts past the knees and V-neck tee shirts be allowed.

     "We we're losing our target TV demographic, said LPGA President and current Senator Hiliary Deverish. "The only people watching were butch and we can't have that. It's not a big enough audience. We need to get the lipstick lesbians as well. We need to look like professional women that you would see on the streets of any major city in the US."

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     Roberta King, the highly regarded pitcher for the St. Louis Beehives admitted today that she is not a lesbian. Long assumed to be just "one of the girls" who play competitive women's softball, King said she could no longer conceal her sexuality.

     "I just couldn't lead a double life anymore. I had to come out of the closet," she said tearfully. "I hate to let have mislead my other sisters like this but I just wanted to play softball. All my life I wanted to do nothing but play at the highest levels. When I found out the level of discrimination against 'breeders', I just hid the fact that I was heterosexual and had a boyfriend."

     "They just won't give us 'breeders' a chance. I felt like Frank Robinson breaking the color barrier in professional baseball when I got to play," she added. "I hope this will provide inspiration for other 'breeders' to try and break into other sports like women's golf, tennis, lacrosse, field hockey and track."

     King, a star right handed, has been playing professional women's softball for 12 years. Her boyfriend of 6 years is Seattle tight end Rodney Niger of Gambia.

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