Continuing the flood of resignations as the exodus from the White House begins a bit early, Karl Rove, one of the President's closest advisors and the subject of derision in the press and scorn among his opponents resigned today. He cited a need to spend more time with his family.

     The President had this to say about Rove's leaving. "We are really happy that Karl re-signed and agreed to stay the course. That's what a good man should do and Karl is a good man. I believe in him. And when you believe in somebody, you protect 'em. That's what I do. I make decisions and I protect. I protect the people of this great country from a house of dominos and I make decisions all day long."

      "Well, as I said, it is great to know that I have the backing and trust of someone I believe in. Karl will work closely with me and Rummy in the coming years to help fight tearists. And he's a good man for the country. I'm glad he re-signed."

     It was not immediately apparent to reporters what the President  meant or understood. Presidential spokesperson Tony Snow who also resigned was unavailable for comment on the President's remarks.

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President Speaks in Africanized Killer Bee Carrying Avian Flu Country: Coto de Caza
     President Bush, in anticipation of the 6th anniversary of the Twin Towers catastrophe in New York on September 11th, 2001, denied all intelligence about the war in Iraq. Speaking at a Republican fund raiser in Coto de Caza, California, Bush said that while he did make the decision to go into Iraq, he was not involved in the planning or conduct of the war. This astounding acknowledgment of the true role he played in the war making process seems to contradict the positions of many of his deputies.

How to Pick a Country to Invade Bush Style
     "I know nothing about the war. No siree Bob! Look, [Secretary] Cheney came to me in October of 2001 and asked me to pick a country to invade in Messopotamia and I chose Iraq." Explaining his choice of countries, Bush had this to say, "He showed me a map that had two Muslim countries spelled nearly the same, Iran and Iraq. I figured there was some redundancy in the United Nations so I chose Iraq. What's the big deal? I'm the deciderer not the intelligencer. I don't make intelligence, I deciderer. You see when I decide, I decider. That's the way it is. The buck stops here. I am the deciderer!"

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Rumsfeld Tenders His Resignation Before Election
     Donald Rumsfeld, current Secretary of Defense and former Chairman of Gilead Sciences tendered his resignation in anticipation of a resounding rejection of his policies in Iraq in the presidential election in 2008.

Rumors Suggest Brain Damage and Homer Simpson Syndrome
     There have been persistent rumors in the media recently suggesting that Rumsfeld would resign after he was found to have suffered a brain injury. Reports suggest that this occurred when he stuck a pencil up his nose to get a... and fell.
     His spokesperson, Paul Wolfowitz, vigorously denied this rumor despite the fact that images of what appears to be a pencil stuck in Rumsfeld's sphenoid sinus on a CT scan taken earlier this year at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Washington, D.C. were circulating on the web.
     He also denied that Rumsfeld was suffering from "Homer Simpson Syndrome." This syndrome is caused by placing a crayon or other object in your brain as Homer Simpson did in a recent episode. "While it is a tragedy for Mr. Simpson and his family, Mr. Rumsfeld does not have any neurological deficits that we can detect at this time."

Re-signing a Blessing Says Bush
      Speaking to the media, President Bush had this to say, "We are delighted that Rummy has decided to re-sign with our team. He has been a huge asset to us and we look forward to another two years of his service. Let me have this to say about Rummy. Now he get's a lot of heat. So do I sometimes. Shucks, it seems like we all get heat here in the White House."
     He continued, "But the man's got character and I respect that in a man. Ya see, a man has to live by his word. I live by my word. When I say we're going to fight them over there, we're going to fight them over there. Now some of you don't like that. But it's like Vietnam. They're a house of Dominoes. We were there and we weren't there and then we were there. It sort of like hide and go seek. And once they fell we had boat people over here. So that's why we're fighting them in Cambodia and Laos so we don't have boat people. In any case we're glad to have Rummy re-signed."

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Secret White House Task Force Formed
      George W. Bush, acting as Commander in Chief of the US Armed Forces, launched a secret advisory task force in the White House tasked with developing a battle plan for the invasion of Iraq.
     Tawny Snow, the former Foxx news anchor and current Presidential spokesperson, denied the existence of the task force or any plans for an invasion of Iraq. "We've been through this before and there's just no credible evidence to suggest that the rumor is true," he unequivocally stated.

Bush's Not Too Secret Plan. A Mistake?
     Rumors of plans for an invasion of Iraq have dogged the administration as far back as December, 2006 when numerous blog sites, including this one, reported on Bush's secret plan. At the time, it was thought that he had mistaken Iraq for Iran, a close by Muslim country.

Iraq or Iran?
     At the time, Snow said that while it was possible, he could neither deny nor confirm the President's apparent confusion. "He had anesthesia for his colonoscopy several months ago and there maybe some lingering after effects," he said apologetically. "It's hard to tell when's he's confused or just normal like."

Snow "Clears" Up the Confusion Over Battle Plans
     When pressed for clarification of his previous denial, Snow had this to say: "When I say there's no credible evidence, it means just that. There's no one left here with any credibility who has presented any evidence or said anything about the existence of such a task force. Now that doesn't mean that one does or doesn't exist, it's just that it's a rumor and we don't engage in rumors. We only talk about facts or evidence and I haven't seen any. Is that clear?"

Bush Strikes Out at Opponents of Iraq War
     As usual, for his part, the President only seemed to add to the confusion. Speaking this week at the Charleston Air Force Base, Bush tried to emphatically lay out the case for an invasion. "There are those that will tell you that Al Queda in Iraq is not part of the global war on terror. Do not be fooled by the devil. When I say that they are part of Iran, I mean Al Queda, they're part of Al Queda. It's just that simple. You see, when I say something, I mean it. That is why we are respecturated around the world. If I say it, I mean it. It's just that simple. And I said it so I mean it. Next question."

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     Scientists today provided unequivocal evidence from multiple sources demonstrating that George W. Bush was indeed descended from the Great Ape.
     Previous studies of his brain had disputed such a conclusion. Speaking on behalf of a world wide research team, Dr. August P. Von Stuepnagel said that Bush's brain, although pea sized, is shaped like the Great Ape's. "There is no doubt about it. We are sorry to say but he, like all the rest of us, is descended from the Great Apes.

Blow to Darwinism
     This is an astounding blow to Darwin's theory of evolution. Darwin held that descendants would be superior in some aspect to their fore father's thereby giving them a survival advantage. "To find a specimen such as Bush this far along the evolutionary chain who is so clearly defective calls Darwin's theory into doubt, "said Stuepnagel.

Christians Hail Findings as Validation of Creationism
     Around the world, fundamentalist Christians hailed the findings. "See, we told you that God could create anything he wanted at anytime. Whether it's the great flood and Noah, or it's George Bush, God has a hand in it," said the Right Reverend Author Dan Coulter. "Yeah, it must be some kind of a joke, a cruel joke indeed, if God was his creator." said Stuepnagel in retort.

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Excessive Commute
      Citing what he said was an excessive commute, President Bush today excommunicated Lewis "Scooter" Libby. Bush left intact some of Libby's penance saying that it was sufficient punishment for such a loyal servant.

Bush Met with Pope
     Reporters from Foxx and other news organizations pressed presidential press secretary Tawny Snow for clarification. He stated that the President had met with the Pope and, after kissing his ring, asked for help with the Iraq war. The Pope declined.

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More Attacks
      Repeated terrorist attacks continued in Great Britain today with a successful third bombing in Glasgow, Scotland. Yesterday, in two separate incidents, cars were found with explosive devices and projectiles. Given the crudity of the devices, it is assumed not to be attacks by al Queda.

Bush Wins Fishing Competition
     President Bush, vacationing in Kennebunkport, ME, is monitoring the events by Blackberry and TV news while he fishes, goes to church, and plans a wife swap for tonight. Bush 43, took the fishing competition by landing a 6 ounce Chilean Sea Bass. He attended services this morning at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion.

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Drops Out After Only Two Months
   On Friday, February 23rd, the First Presidential contender for the 2008 race dropped out of the crowed Democratic field field. This leaves only seven left in the race. Barack Obama, currently the hottest of the candidates, immediately wished him well. "I will miss him. We had a lot of fun sharing a bus together, telling jokes to each other, sharing campaign intelligence and laughing at the faux pas of the other candidates. We grew very close over the last two months. I will really miss his humor" he said sadly.
Clinton Moves Into Second Place
    Probably the candidate that benefits the most from his decision to exit the race is Hiliary Clinton.  Although a formidable campaigner one on one, she has had a rough time delivering her message in bulk despite her regional strength based on her husband's exposure as the Arkansas govenor. "Although I will miss him and his humor, I don't think it will play a significant role long term. He had some local strength based on his Iowa roots  but I don't think that it would have translated to New Hampshire and beyond."

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President Lied About Yellow Cake and Meeting in Switzerland

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Bush Must Convert to Judaism

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Two Days Late and a Juan Shorted?
   In what seems to be the metaphor for this administration, the Whitehouse today, December 27th, canceled Christmas for this year and immediately raised the terrorist alert status to red, its highest level. "We've got a Chinese national in a red suit flying over US airspace trying to make contact with little children," said Whitehouse spokesperson and former FOX news anchor Tawny Snow in an Exclusive Fox News Alert two hours ago.
    "It's one of the worst scenarios imagined by the CIA and State Department. We've been unable to reach the Chinese government to revoke his visa and we've been unable to locate him even though he entered US airspace two days ago. If anyone sees him he is dressed in a red costume, riding in a sleigh pulled by reindeer. He's been harder to find than a bear in the woods in winter," a befuddled looking Snow said meekly.
US Needs Walls Cries O'Really?
    Fox pundit Bill O'Really? said that this proves that a wall is needed along the US Mexican border to keep foreigners out. "Laws like the ones they just passed in Hazelton, PA. are not enough," he reiterated. Hazelton earlier this week became the subject of widespread ridicule as it tried unsuccessfully to ban Santa Clause's entry into US airspace by labeling him an illegal foreign worker and a child predator. While the administration backed the effort quietly, it also sought to find a legal way to allow the new, Chinese made Santa to enter the US in time for Christmas.
Olympics Not in North Pole This Year
   The North Pole lost out in it's bid to host Santa Clause this year when it was discovered that its reindeer meat was rendered with fecal e coli contamination. Melting of the polar ice caps has made the North Pole a veritable garden spot in recent Summers.

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Administration Claims to Have Secret Plan
    An administration that no one believes any more trotted out Presidential spokesperson and former Fox anchorman Tawny Snow to defends its decision to go on holiday without a plan for Iraq's future. "We've got a plan. We've got a plan. We just aren't going to release it now. Look, Rome wasn't built in a day. Napoleon didn't take Russia in a day. Hitler didn't take Paris in a day. Give us some slack for Pete's sake. Shoot!" he exclaimed appearing exasperated with the reporters.
Bush to Call Up 26,000 Troops
    Nonetheless, in an apparent further affront to the Commission on Iraq's Status, the Bush administration announced today that they're not only not going to reduce troop levels as the report strongly suggested but that they are actually going to increase the numbers by approximately 26,000. It depends on how many volunteers they can get over the holiday period. The Pentagon has largely used up the Reserves and National Guard units available to it so these will come from the USO, Brownies, Girl and Boy Scout Troops. The administration is going to offer milk, thin mint cookies and merit badges as inducements for the scouts to sign up.
Hamilton/Baker/Simpson Commission Wants Immediate Action
    In another poke in the eye, they said that they will delay the release of details of their plans for accomplishing the mission, securing victory and withdrawing from the introitus of Iraq until after the holidays and perhaps until after the NFL championship is decided. "This is just unacceptable," said Homer Simpson (R-Wy), former nuclear engineer and retired senator from Wyoming and perhaps the second oldest living member of the panel. "We're at war! We can't delay now. What do they think? They can't just go taking vacations like Mr. Burns! Am I the only one besides Lisa in Springfield thinking clearly?" he asked.
Hamilton Demands Action
    "We need to start training up the Iraqi army now. Some of them are not well trained. Even with the extra 26,000 troops and increasing the number of embedded reporters to 32 per battalion, it will still take a while. We'll get better coverage on TV though. No doubt about it," said Hamilton. The trioka will return to Iraq to finish up some contractual matters later this month that remain regarding some oil pipelines that need to be initiated by the Saud family prior to any change in the direction of the war effort.
Tawny Snow Defends Administration Lack of Action
    Tawny Snow, presidential spokesperson and former Fox News anchor, said "Look, this is complicated stuff and it is, quite frankly taxing the Presidents brain. It's really hard work, requires thinking, and it's giving him headaches."
    "It's taking all he's got just to get through the morning. Some days he works well past noon before working out and then taking his nap. Some days he even has to skip that to meet with Brownie (Brown Rice, Secretary of State) to go over invasion plans for Iran, North Korea, Iraq, Afghanistan, Texas, and Alaska. They're planning to go after any place on earth with oil or barren land or both," he said without equivocating.
Administration Does Have Partial Plan
    "But let me get back to something I said earlier. The people who criticize us for not having a plan are just plain wrong. We do have a plan. It's in its early stages. It's complicated and has a lot of parts to it that need to work together; sort of like a what's that thing ...ah...ah...ah, yeah, a Rube Goldberg machine. We're working on some of the details right now. Now will we take a holiday break? Sure. Do we deserve it? Sure. Look, we created a mess in Iraq, one in Afghanistan, started one in North Korea, got Iran to start making nuclular materials and completely forgot about AIDS in Africa. I mean, we have been busy beavers. I can say beavers can't I? I mean there are f**k buddies out there. So it's okay right?" he quietly whispered.

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Damage Fortunately Limited to Civilians
   Government officials immediately hailed the outcome of the attack as demonstrating the US' superior ability to limit damage only to civilians. A senior Whitehouse official speaking on the condition of animosity pointed out that no military personnel or equipment was damaged in the attack. "See, our deterence program is working. All those in Congress who said Starwars couldn't work were just plain wrong," he said. Squeamish officials were outraged.

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Continue reading "God Fed Up with Republicans, Changes Parties" »

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    President Bush today acknowleged the tragic events of 9/11 with an extended moment of silence. Speaking at a grammar school in Florida, Bush stopped and almost appeared paralyzed when he was told of the events. Shortly thereafter he excused himself and was wisked off to another undisclosed blue state aboard Air Force One for another campaign stop.
    There Bush plotted strategy for the upcoming elections with his closest advisor and confidente Karl Rove. Plans reportedly included an attack on Iraq, development of a "comprehensive war on terror" that would involve secret prisons, suspension of civil liberties and tortue as well as plans to attack the real perpetrator of the attack Osama Bin Forgotten.

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Continue reading "Bush Acknowledges Global Warming; Plans Action" »

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Continue reading "Pluto Voted Out, Dumbo Remains" »

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Continue reading "Heaven's Gate Travelers Return to Earth to Help Bush" »

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Continue reading "Zarqawi Killed: Al Queda in Iraq in Disarray Says Bush" »

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