Geography Exam Final Straw
     The Iraq Study Group, set up by President George Bush to advise him of options dealing with Iraq, has flunked out of school. "We did not flunk out, we merely withdrew," said Richard Pearle a leading hawk on starting the Iraq War. "Besides, what if we did flunk out? It doesn't mean we can't still give advice to the President. We have his ear you know. And withdrawals are what it's all about these days. Think of this as an strategic advance not a retreat," he added.

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President Speaks in Africanized Killer Bee Carrying Avian Flu Country: Coto de Caza
     President Bush, in anticipation of the 6th anniversary of the Twin Towers catastrophe in New York on September 11th, 2001, denied all intelligence about the war in Iraq. Speaking at a Republican fund raiser in Coto de Caza, California, Bush said that while he did make the decision to go into Iraq, he was not involved in the planning or conduct of the war. This astounding acknowledgment of the true role he played in the war making process seems to contradict the positions of many of his deputies.

How to Pick a Country to Invade Bush Style
     "I know nothing about the war. No siree Bob! Look, [Secretary] Cheney came to me in October of 2001 and asked me to pick a country to invade in Messopotamia and I chose Iraq." Explaining his choice of countries, Bush had this to say, "He showed me a map that had two Muslim countries spelled nearly the same, Iran and Iraq. I figured there was some redundancy in the United Nations so I chose Iraq. What's the big deal? I'm the deciderer not the intelligencer. I don't make intelligence, I deciderer. You see when I decide, I decider. That's the way it is. The buck stops here. I am the deciderer!"

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Secret White House Task Force Formed
      George W. Bush, acting as Commander in Chief of the US Armed Forces, launched a secret advisory task force in the White House tasked with developing a battle plan for the invasion of Iraq.
     Tawny Snow, the former Foxx news anchor and current Presidential spokesperson, denied the existence of the task force or any plans for an invasion of Iraq. "We've been through this before and there's just no credible evidence to suggest that the rumor is true," he unequivocally stated.

Bush's Not Too Secret Plan. A Mistake?
     Rumors of plans for an invasion of Iraq have dogged the administration as far back as December, 2006 when numerous blog sites, including this one, reported on Bush's secret plan. At the time, it was thought that he had mistaken Iraq for Iran, a close by Muslim country.

Iraq or Iran?
     At the time, Snow said that while it was possible, he could neither deny nor confirm the President's apparent confusion. "He had anesthesia for his colonoscopy several months ago and there maybe some lingering after effects," he said apologetically. "It's hard to tell when's he's confused or just normal like."

Snow "Clears" Up the Confusion Over Battle Plans
     When pressed for clarification of his previous denial, Snow had this to say: "When I say there's no credible evidence, it means just that. There's no one left here with any credibility who has presented any evidence or said anything about the existence of such a task force. Now that doesn't mean that one does or doesn't exist, it's just that it's a rumor and we don't engage in rumors. We only talk about facts or evidence and I haven't seen any. Is that clear?"

Bush Strikes Out at Opponents of Iraq War
     As usual, for his part, the President only seemed to add to the confusion. Speaking this week at the Charleston Air Force Base, Bush tried to emphatically lay out the case for an invasion. "There are those that will tell you that Al Queda in Iraq is not part of the global war on terror. Do not be fooled by the devil. When I say that they are part of Iran, I mean Al Queda, they're part of Al Queda. It's just that simple. You see, when I say something, I mean it. That is why we are respecturated around the world. If I say it, I mean it. It's just that simple. And I said it so I mean it. Next question."

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Excessive Commute
      Citing what he said was an excessive commute, President Bush today excommunicated Lewis "Scooter" Libby. Bush left intact some of Libby's penance saying that it was sufficient punishment for such a loyal servant.

Bush Met with Pope
     Reporters from Foxx and other news organizations pressed presidential press secretary Tawny Snow for clarification. He stated that the President had met with the Pope and, after kissing his ring, asked for help with the Iraq war. The Pope declined.

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     The radical Islamic group Hamas, who had been elected to the role of ruling party in Gaza and the West Bank, took over Gaza sending millions fleeing into Israel and the West Bank. Israeli forces tried, unsuccessfully, to stem the onslaught over the last four days. According to General Shonevitz, "this is the worst movement into Israel since the great flood."

     Secretary of State Condolences Rice said, "See. This is what we told you would happen. This is the first domino to fall. Next is Iraq and then Iran." There appeared to be confusion in the White House as damage control was in full swing.

     "What the Secretary meant to say was that if Israel took over Gaza and the West Bank, then it would be the first domino to fall or stand back up I mean. You see we've been using the reverse Domino effect in the Middle East where Dominoes stand back up after being knocked down. The secretary just got confused is all."

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     The radical Islamic group Hamas, who had been elected to the role of ruling party in Gaza and the West Bank, took over Gaza sending millions fleeing into Israel and the West Bank. Israeli forces tried, unsuccessfully, to stem the onslaught over the last four days. According to General Shonevitz, "this is the worst movement into Israel since the great flood."

     Secretary of State Condolences Rice said, "See. This is what we told you would happen. This is the first domino to fall. Next is Iraq and then Iran." There appeared to be confusion in the White House as damage control was in full swing.

     "What the Secretary meant to say was that if Israel took over Gaza and the West Bank, then it would be the first domino to fall or stand back up I mean. You see we've been using the reverse Domino effect in the Middle East where Dominoes stand back up after being knocked down. The secretary just got confused is all."

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     Disney Studios in a rare streak of true corporate citizenship has joined the effort to find Osama Bin Forgotten. With the launch today of a new ride at Disney World in Orlando Florida and Disneyland Resort in Anaheim California, Disney joins the legions of outraged participants in the political game of yelling "Where's Osama?" at President Bush and Prime Minister Tony Blair.
     Nearly as stupid as Bush's declaration of "Mission Accomplished" over 950 days ago, Bush's taunting of Bin Laden as "Public Enemy One" only seemed to embolden the leader. Innumerable terrorist attacks have occurred and the US now faces a humiliating defeat in Iraq.

New Submarine Game
     Still all is not lost. Disney believes that Bin Laden may have taken the low road and is employing a submarine to escape the land locked country of Iraq. Indeed, as Disney envisions it in its newest theme park ride, 'Finding Bin Laden', Bin Laden is trapped in the body of a run away goldfish without his dialysis machine and fears for his life.

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Mistakes Libby For Grizzly
    Vice President Dick Cheney shot I. "Scooter" Libby moments after he left the Helen Keller Federal Courthouse where he was found guilty on 4 of 5 counts of lying and obstruction of justice in the Valerie Plame affair. Cheney was immediately rushed to George Washington Hospital in the fashionable Foggy Bottom area in Washington, D.C. where he underwent extensive, preventative emergency testing.
Cheney Has Multiple Medical Problems
    Cheney, a former smoker and long obese, suffers from multiple medical and psychiatric problems related to these disorders. He has severe multi-vessel coronary artery disease and has had several coronary artery bypass operations as well as stenting procedures. He also suffers from congestive heart failure and cardiac rhythm disturbances and has an automatic implantable cardiac defibrillator (AICD). Most recently, he had a recurrent attack of his thrombophlebitis, a potentially life threatening condition in which blood clots form in the legs and threaten to travel to the lungs where they can kill the patient. This occurred shortly after the Afghan Taliban rebels attempted to kill the Vice President with bombs.

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President Lied About Yellow Cake and Meeting in Switzerland

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Top Secret Plan to be Revealed Wednesday Leaked Exclusively to Fox
    President George W. Bush will send the Swiss Guard to Iraq to re-establish order in Bagdad. The 100 person strong army, under the command of Monsignor Guancie Dentellare, is known for its brutal force but has not seen action in several centuries.
    The Swiss Guard is the official Army of the Vatican City State. It was founded by Pope Julius II in 1506 and was originally made up of Swiss mercenaries from the Swiss Confederation. They currently are the personal bodyguards of the Pope. Recruitment is restricted to Catholic male Swiss citizens.
    By sending all 100 of the Guard, the Vatican will be leaving itself unprotected against any aggression from Italy. The Holy See does not expect any trouble however because the weather has been warm and the Italians usually prefer gelatio over war at this time of year.
Nada Mas from the Coalition
   Bush for his part is embarrassed that none of the "Coalition of the Willing" has agreed to send troops. In fact, the British have made it a priority to get its remaining 900 soldiers out of Iraq leaving only Pakistan, Indonesia, and a host of other "countries" receiving US foreign and military aid to man the "front". The French have offered to send the needed 20,000 additional troops but only if they can stay permanently in the Green Zone.

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Unsure What Protocol is for Hanging
    In an unusually candid moment, the US State Department acknowledged that it had no clue as to the proper protocol for carrying out a decent hanging. So it as hired newspaper columnist and etiquette expert Judith Martin, also known as Ms. Manners, to go to Iraq and assist in all further executions. "We were taken aback at the lack of procedure displayed over the weekend," said US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.
The Rules of "Civil" Warfare
    "We're sure there must be a right and a wrong way to carry these things out and that wasn't it. After all, we have very strict rules of how the boys get to play war so why not hangings?" she queried the reporters. "Breaking his neck no less. I mean come on," she mumbled under her breath. (Things you can do in war include using nuclear weapons and land mines that routinely kill children; things that you can't do include using chemical weapons or deliberately targeting civilians.) "So we're going to send Ms. Manners over there to show them how to do a hanging right."
Ms. Manners Has No Experience in Hangings
    When queried regarding Manners qualifications, Rice said that Manners had visited Texas once. Since Texas was the last State to use hangings, this was supposed to act as bonafides. Manners, for her part, seemed to agree. Standing next to Rice she said,"Look, there are just somethings you don't do; like using poor lighting, small camera phones for coverage, and yelling in Farsi at a man who speaks english. I mean they should have done it right, put it on Pay-Per-View TV and earned some cash for the country," she added. Manners will leave tonight but before she left the crowed news conference, she gave Fox reporters an exclusive Top Ten list for hangings as a starter.
Condoleeza Rice in a Stunning Outfit
    Ms. Rice today was dressing a beautiful cream colored Ralph Lauren suit with taupe edging that helped accent her skin coloring. Her hair was done by Sebastion in his usual manner. The jewelry was from Fred's Beverly Hills and her make up and nails were by the Kitchen Beautician. She was not accompanied by her most recent "partner."

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Third Attempt Not the Charm
   In a huge setback for the administration the Iraq Study Group failed it's most recent attempt to pass their SATs and will not be able to carry out their invasion of Iraq or Iran. Headmaster Lee Hamilton of Sunbeam, Florida presented the findings at a press conference today.
One of the Lowest Scores in History
    "Usually we don't release anyone's SAT scores publicly but this group's performance has such profound implications for the country and the world as a whole that we felt compelled to release their most recent results. On the geography section they scored a combined 139 out of 800; on the weather, they scored a 201 out of 800; and on the military judgement, it was 90 out of 800. Their combined total was 430 out of a possible 2400. It is one of the lowest scores ever seen on the SATs," he stated.
Near Levels You Get for Signing Name
    Colleague Flames Baker, a former confidant to Bush 41, stated that Brown Rice, Her Rumpsfeld, the Dick Cheney and the Bush ought to hit the books again. "This is the most shameful performance I think I have seen by a group of senior administration officials since the Nixon administration. One of them couldn't find Iraq on the map, one of them thought the USS Ronald Reagan was a library, and another thought a desert dust storm was a dessert created by Daniel Boulud. Can you believe that?" he rhetorically asked the stunned crowd of normally jaundiced and sickened reporters.

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Over Rules Top Advisors
     Brainfleas has learned today from secret sources close to the President that he plans to order within days an invasion of Iraq. This invasion comes over the advice of his most senior advisors who recommended that he invade the other country in the region spelled Iran not Iraq. Believing that the President has confused the two, they have been desperately calling for immediate top level meetings with the Dick Cheney and Her Rumpsfeld. However neither seem to be available.
"Hunting" in Maryland
    According to these same sources, both the Dick Cheney and Her Rumpsfeld are currently holed up "hunting" on Cheney's farm on Coastal Maryland shooting near dead and helpless birds and are unreachable. This leaves the Bush on his own.
Presidential Confusion over Iran and Iraq
    In the past he has confused the two countries landing in Iran when he tried to make a surprise trip to the troops. At the time, when asked about the President's apparent confusion between Iraq and Iran, Presidential spokesperson and Foxx anchorman Tawny Snow said "He is not confused. He always intended to invade Iran. It's just that things got lost in translation."

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Turns to Alternative Methods of Manufacture
    The sovereign nation of Iraq has apparently run out of the basic world-wide food staple soylent green and has turned to alternative methods to generate precursor foodstuffs. Both US and international officials reported are becoming increasingly concerned that the government maybe deliberately fomenting sectarian and external agitation to simultaneously decrease demand and increase supply in a so called Swiftian solution. The government of Iraq vigorously denied the charges.
Iraq Claims It Is In A War Started By United States
     Prime Minister al-Maliki, speaking to reporters yesterday after he was snubbed by President Bush of the United States, claimed that his country was in the midst of an occupation by the United States and a Civil War started by outside terrorists. Sounding like an embattled and paranoid leader of a third world country, he claimed that contrary to perceptions in the West, his country was actually being occupied by over 130,000 United States troops and that they had virtually taken over his army. "The US goes on every raid my army goes on watching what they do and reporting it to Washington. I'm telling you. We're an occupied country." he said. "The only thing I have left is Muktada al-Sadr's troops. What a rag, tag outfit that is. A bunch of towel headed misfits, I tell you; Jesus Christ!" he continued.
Denies Using War As Swiftian Solution
     "That's just gross. To think that any leader of a country would kill consumers and then use them as feed stock is something only a 19th Century Brit would conceive of," he added. Actually, Jonathan Swift did suggest exactly that in the 19th Century. However there's no denying that with the death rate approaching 20,000 Iraqi's per month, production of premium grade Soylent Green has increasing significantly recently and demand has simultaneously dropped easing pressures on market prices that had soared in the Middle East to over 70 per pound of extracted flesh.

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