Promises Offers Memberships
     Promises, the exclusive and expensive Malibu drug rehabilitation center announced today that it is offering memberships to guests with frequent stays. “We think this is a great solution for some of our frequent fliers like Lindsay Lohan, Christian Slater, or Britney Spears,” said cruise director Melissa Francis.

Benefits for Frequent Flyers
     “It offers a lot of benefits that are not available to less frequent users. We provide housing on a separate concierge floor, greeting basket with crack and cheese, hot tubs for two or more, reserved spaces poolside with good exposure to photographers, late afternoon tea with actual tea, free shuttle service from jail and guaranteed availability. Heck, we even reimburse clients for the phone call!” said Francis.

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Approved for Excessive Ambition Syndrome
      The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the popular street drug Marijuana (Marelax) (also known as pot, Mary Jane and others) for the treatment of excessive ambition syndrome. This syndrome affects millions of individuals world wide including numerous individuals who have no idea that they have the disease.

Bush Has Excessive Ambition Syndrome
     "A perfect example would be George Bush. He sought higher [sic, no pun intended] office and thinks he can be the US president. This is clearly delusional thinking and evidence of his excessive ambition. This type of excessive ambition can have devastating effects on the life of the individual and those who are near them. Do you really think we would have gone to war if he was smoking joints? Instead he was doing coke and alcohol in the past? Maybe that's the explanation for the war that the rest of the of the world has waited for," she added.

Identifying Those at Risk
     Mark Rocker of the marijuana advocacy group NORML said "Wow, this is big. I mean like wow. Big. Reeeeally big! It was cool. We helped name it. We were going to call it 'Weed' or 'Relax' or 'Pot' but they were in use." He was unable to comment further.
     The Right Reverend Author Dan Coulter called this the onset of the apocalypse. "There can be no clearer a sign that the end is near. Bush is loosing in Iraq, men are getting married to each other, parenthetically, I might add that I have no problem with girls marrying girls, and now the approval of a gateway drug by the Government. We're going to have millions of people hooked on hard drugs like alcohol and Vicodin as a result of this. It is a terrible move."
     The FDA issued guidelines on the drug's use. "We expect that only those individuals with high levels of ambition will be candidates for the drug. Anyone demonstrating an ability to get tasks done, routinely go to work, ever staying late, skipping vacations, unable to identify skateboard stars or seeking public office of any type would be candidates," said FDA Commissioner Sarah Ann Panz.

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Posted by Ralph Williams at 11:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

     It has been many years since the Dead Sea scrolls were found in the desert surrounding the Dead Sea. However, archeologists, working with Heraldo Rivera, a Foxx reporter, have uncovered what they believe to be a new Book of Revelations.

     Found in a drawer in a house in Galilee under some old Playboys, the book is dated 36 AD suggesting that it was written by one of the apostles. The initial news reports that it was written by Judas Iscariot are probably wrong as he is known to have been writing his own gospel at the time.

     The most striking feature of the new book is an explanation for lingerie worn at night by women in the first century. The pictures are remarkably well preserved and suggest that Playboy magazines may have a use other than reading the articles. The new Book explains for example, the hidden meaning of a T-shirt as well as the meaning of a bustier. Below are some of the translations, as provided to Foxx in an exclusive story, by Father Guido Sarducci, Jr.

Lanz cotton night gown = no way Jose (notice the hands on hips). Probability = 0% Temperature in Hell = -276 F.

 

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Posted by Ralph Williams at 11:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

     Uniting two of America's shining lights, Nick Nolte announced that he had secretly married Lisa Nowak at a Walmart store in Orlando. "She was shopping for some diapers (size 0) and I was looking for some Depends," said Nolte. "They don't have that size in jail you know."

     For her part, Nowak professed that this was a match made in heaven and that she had forgotten all about Captain Colleen Shipman. Shipman was the 'other woman' in a love triangle with Bill Oefelein whom Nowak allegedly assaulted in an Orlando, FL airport. She allegedly drove from Houston, TX to Orlando, FL wearing diapers so that she did not have to make a 'pit stop'.

      "I'm over that. I'm not going there. Nick and I fell in love in the parking lot doing a deal and we got married inside by the greeter. The greeter assured us that he was a Justice of the Peace," she said. Nolte said that the newly married couple planned to honeymoon at a Sam's Club in Orlando after Nowak is cleared of all charges.

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 New York, New York
     Confusing Los Angeles with New York City, Paris Hilton tried to check into the Twin Towers last evening only to discover they had been destroyed by terrorists. "This is unbelievable! It's just a big hole in the ground. I mean, where am I supposed to sleep?"
     Hilton, the heiress grand daughter of Baron Hilton, apparently is blonde. "She was instructed to present herself at 6:00PM PST to the Twin Towers Central Booking Center at the LA County Correctional Facility. Instead she went to New York and presented herself to the by now sacred Twin Towers Site!" said LA County Sheriff's spokesperson Fe Male O'Bese. "We are seeking her extradition back to California where she will need to serve out her term in full."

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Posted by Ralph Williams at 10:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Daughter in tow, Britney enters the glass double doors of the Grey Hospital
I'm not going in there.
Oh, yes you are.
I am not.
Yes you are!
Stop being a brat!
Now get in here now!
I not going in there.
Yes you are.
I'm going to leave.
I don't care what you do. You're going in there now! Now get in there or I'll kick your ass in there.
Don't use that language on me.
Then get your ass in there.
Mom, please.
You had your chance, get in there.
Please?
Get in there.
Hello Ms. Spears How are you today?
Fuck you.
Did you how trouble getting here?
Didn't you hear me the first time? I said fuck you!
Welcome to Grey Hospital. We hope stay is a productive one. Here is your room. The TV is over there. It has digital cable and gets over 250 channels. The bed uses the patented Sleep Comfort System and our food is prepared by the reknowned chef Stefan Sartan.
What the fuck do I care? I'm leaving tomorrow. Well, we hope you'll stay longer. If we can do anything for you, we will be at the nurses station. You can ring us with this buzzer. Dr. Kinder will be right in to do your intake.
I can hardly wait. Mom get out of here.
...
Oh my head....What's that? Where am I? Huh? God. My head. What the fuck is going on? Am I seeing things? No. no that's the wall. But that's too small. What's happening? Shit. I hit my head. God. What's happening to me. Look, I've shrunk! Who is that? I recognize her. Oh it's that old lady from that TV show. Oh, what the fuck's the name...oh yeh Desperate Partners...no, no, Housewives...no, no, Grey...yeah, yeah..that's it...Grey's House...why's she on the phone? Who's she talking to? She's dead! She's old, old and dead!
Hey you. You at the door. Help me. Please. Oh don't run away. Help me please. Please. Please come back... ... ... ...
Who are you?
I'm Britney. ... Just Britney.
You've got to help me. I fell asleep and I don't know where I am. The phone in my room doesn't work. You've got to help me find my daughter. She's a doctor. Not much of one but a doctor. She works here. She'll help us. I don't know where I am.
I don't know where I am.
What happen to you?
I don't know.
What?
I don't know. My mother dropped me off. Some doctor came in. I went to sleep. Next thing I know I'm walking around, getting small and seeing colors. It's like I'm on acid at Disneyland with Kevin. Where are we?
I don't know.
Great. A drugged out bitch and a demented dead person lost in fucking Wonderland. I need some coke!

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Posted by Ralph Williams at 6:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)