Just Trying to Keep Them From Wasting
     Father Aloysius Patrick MacGilacutty III of County Cork admitted to authorities today that he was the source of the anabolic steroids found with the Anglican nuns in Mogadishu. The nuns were in the Horn of Africa trying to convert large herds of Muslims in the last virgin region in Africa. Their efforts were rebuffed however by the Greek and Eastern Orthodox tribes of nuns. Ultimately, the Greek Orthodox nuns prevailed in the Risk game using an unorthodox rear guard action.
     Father MacGilacutty denied providing the steroids for use as performance enhancing drugs. Instead, he claimed that he gave the steroids to prevent the nuns from wasting in the African desert. "Look, they were out there fighting the good fight, crusading for God and church and I just thought that they would need something to keep from wasting. I mean came you imagine what a wasted nun would look like?" he asked rhetorically.

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     Scientists today provided unequivocal evidence from multiple sources demonstrating that George W. Bush was indeed descended from the Great Ape.
     Previous studies of his brain had disputed such a conclusion. Speaking on behalf of a world wide research team, Dr. August P. Von Stuepnagel said that Bush's brain, although pea sized, is shaped like the Great Ape's. "There is no doubt about it. We are sorry to say but he, like all the rest of us, is descended from the Great Apes.

Blow to Darwinism
     This is an astounding blow to Darwin's theory of evolution. Darwin held that descendants would be superior in some aspect to their fore father's thereby giving them a survival advantage. "To find a specimen such as Bush this far along the evolutionary chain who is so clearly defective calls Darwin's theory into doubt, "said Stuepnagel.

Christians Hail Findings as Validation of Creationism
     Around the world, fundamentalist Christians hailed the findings. "See, we told you that God could create anything he wanted at anytime. Whether it's the great flood and Noah, or it's George Bush, God has a hand in it," said the Right Reverend Author Dan Coulter. "Yeah, it must be some kind of a joke, a cruel joke indeed, if God was his creator." said Stuepnagel in retort.

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Stanozolol Found in Raid of Convent
    In an early morning raid of an apartment on the out skirts of Mogadishu, rival factions of tribes from the nuns of Dover Cliffs and Perpetual Motion looted clothing, toiletries, liquor, drugs, drug paraphenalia and reportedly large caches of the illegal steroid stanozolol. Sister Allah Fatah of the Sisters of Athena denounced the accusation and said that the apartment was a house of prostitution that the nuns were trying to rehabilitate.
Just a Misunderstanding
    "Many of the nuns having been working side by side with the girls so that they can better understand what it is like to work for such wages. In addition, they are trying to discover what it is like to live in a drug induced state for hours on end and to dress in enticing clothing for men.  This is often mistaken for prostitution but it is actually under cover work," Fatah said. "They have to keep their strength up so they take stanozolol. This in no way had an influence on our recent victory on the Horns of Africa." she added.

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Conquest Belies Name
    Stunning the otherwise staid world of the noviciate, the Greek Orthodox nuns, led by Sister Allah Fatah of the Sisters of Athena, raced across the infertile and barren dessert sand of vegase to Mogadishu, where they pillaged, and plundered the town from the rear. Then, in a tour d'force, they surmounted the flailing body of the darkened Islamic forces, entering one last time from the rear in a final insult, thrusting open the very tender glutei and disemboweled it. The results were horrific to imagine even for the most seasoned of African League veterans.
Left No Doubt Behind
    "I wanted no doubt left behind that my girls, Gwen in particular, were every bit as much men as they fought. Though heavy a heart, they charged light a foot, moving as a single brigade up the bowels of the enemy, took him from behind as it were, and left him used and wasted, just as the men do unto others," said the vociferous and often rancorous Sister Fatah. "We, the Greek nuns, the Orthodox Church's Best, have shown ourselves worthy of heaving today. We butted heads with the nuns from Dover Shores and found them wanting. We clashed with the cavalry and artillery of the Sisters of Perpetual Motion and stopped them cold. We beat the Muslims until they were black. I tell you, we've got hair on our chest, voices like Shrek, and muscles like Barry Bonds. We've got game. Let's see what ya' got!" she yelled at the gathering in a husky, bellicose voice.
Use of Steroids by Nuns Banned
    The Roman Catholics had previously filed a protest over the use of AC140 Wart Hogs by the US Government, the use of Ethiopian troops, the use of anabolics by the Greeks and other violations in the Riskiest part of the conquest. The planned to file another protest today according to leaked reports. According to the rules of War, you are only able to use artillery, cavalry, infantry, cards and dice to play. It is very Risky.

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Dover Shore Anglicans Take Lead
    Moving rapidly south through Puntland and into the northern most neighborhoods of Mogadishu, the nuns from the Sisters of Dover Shore repelled numerous attacks from indigenous peoples as well as militant nuns from rival factions. Attempting to get a needed win to tie the Sisters of Athena and force a playoff for the wild-card berth, the nuns used infantry, artillery and cavalry pieces in the sweep of the horn of Africa.
African Campaign in Last "Throes" Like Iraq
    With the African campaign well underway, Sister Maria Rosario said that her convent intended to "flush out the infidels and crush the Greeks and Americans." The Greek Orthodox nuns entered from the largely Catholic Ethiopia and the Roman Catholic nuns entered frfom Catholic Kenya (both show in purple on map).
Muslim Converts at Stake
    According to Rosario, one of the objects at stake are the right to convert the countries over 2 million islamists to the Anglican Church. For their part, the US immediately rejected the notion that the Sisters of Perpetual Motion representing the Roman Catholic church was somehow associated with them. Speaking off the record, a high ranking US official said that "we disavow any knowledge of what is happen in Somalia."
State Department Developing a Middle East Policy
    Six years into the administration, the State department is still developing a policy towards the Middle East. "We don't know whether to take control of it from Greece, Egypt, or East Africa," said an unidentified official. "We think maybe fighting them and then moving only two infantry into the country should be enough. But with all the  fighting going on we may need to roll three dice. It's a big Risk we're taking."

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African Campaign Bolts Into High Gear
    With the playoffs only a few months away, the three contending factions of Catholic nuns fought bitterly for control of Somalia in the hopes that a win there would bring them the one remaining playoff spot. In the All Catholic Division of the African Campaign, the Sisters of Perpetual Motion, representing the Roman Catholics, have an insurmountable one game lead and have clinched at least a tie for the Division Championship. This guarantees them a spot in the playoffs. Meanwhile, the Sisters of Dover Shores, representing the Anglican Church, and the Sisters of Athena, representing the Orthodox Catholics, are battling it out in the streets of Somalia for a wild card berth. The Moors are bringing up the rear and have been mathematically eliminated.
Americans Allegedly Sponsor the Sisters of Perpetual Motion
    The 40,000 strong convent of the Sisters of Perpetual Motion is fully engaged in Mogadishu and is representing America's interests. Entering Somalia clandestinely from Kenya and Ethiopia, it routed the Sunni Islamic clerics who recently took control of the city and the country. In the Risky fight. the Sunnis lost several artillery pieces, two cavalry men, and four horsemen. They forced the Islamists to the South near the Kenya border where they have inflicted heavy casualties using a combination of cavalry and horsemen. So far, the roll of the dice seems to be in the favor of the nuns. The US, for its part, denies any involvement.

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