Continuing the flood of resignations as the exodus from the White House begins a bit early, Karl Rove, one of the President's closest advisors and the subject of derision in the press and scorn among his opponents resigned today. He cited a need to spend more time with his family.

     The President had this to say about Rove's leaving. "We are really happy that Karl re-signed and agreed to stay the course. That's what a good man should do and Karl is a good man. I believe in him. And when you believe in somebody, you protect 'em. That's what I do. I make decisions and I protect. I protect the people of this great country from a house of dominos and I make decisions all day long."

      "Well, as I said, it is great to know that I have the backing and trust of someone I believe in. Karl will work closely with me and Rummy in the coming years to help fight tearists. And he's a good man for the country. I'm glad he re-signed."

     It was not immediately apparent to reporters what the President  meant or understood. Presidential spokesperson Tony Snow who also resigned was unavailable for comment on the President's remarks.

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Rumsfeld Tenders His Resignation Before Election
     Donald Rumsfeld, current Secretary of Defense and former Chairman of Gilead Sciences tendered his resignation in anticipation of a resounding rejection of his policies in Iraq in the presidential election in 2008.

Rumors Suggest Brain Damage and Homer Simpson Syndrome
     There have been persistent rumors in the media recently suggesting that Rumsfeld would resign after he was found to have suffered a brain injury. Reports suggest that this occurred when he stuck a pencil up his nose to get a... and fell.
     His spokesperson, Paul Wolfowitz, vigorously denied this rumor despite the fact that images of what appears to be a pencil stuck in Rumsfeld's sphenoid sinus on a CT scan taken earlier this year at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Washington, D.C. were circulating on the web.
     He also denied that Rumsfeld was suffering from "Homer Simpson Syndrome." This syndrome is caused by placing a crayon or other object in your brain as Homer Simpson did in a recent episode. "While it is a tragedy for Mr. Simpson and his family, Mr. Rumsfeld does not have any neurological deficits that we can detect at this time."

Re-signing a Blessing Says Bush
      Speaking to the media, President Bush had this to say, "We are delighted that Rummy has decided to re-sign with our team. He has been a huge asset to us and we look forward to another two years of his service. Let me have this to say about Rummy. Now he get's a lot of heat. So do I sometimes. Shucks, it seems like we all get heat here in the White House."
     He continued, "But the man's got character and I respect that in a man. Ya see, a man has to live by his word. I live by my word. When I say we're going to fight them over there, we're going to fight them over there. Now some of you don't like that. But it's like Vietnam. They're a house of Dominoes. We were there and we weren't there and then we were there. It sort of like hide and go seek. And once they fell we had boat people over here. So that's why we're fighting them in Cambodia and Laos so we don't have boat people. In any case we're glad to have Rummy re-signed."

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Cheney in the Closet
     Dick Cheney, the US Vice-President, has been found alive and unharmed. Virtually disappearing from sight after his recent shooting incident with the former Governor of Texas and then his brush with Federal prosecutors over Scooter Libby, Cheney was found stashed away onboard Air Force One in a water closet. He is now out of the restroom.

Feared for Life
     "What did you expect? That I'd be out in the open where that Governor or Libby can shoot me. I already shot Libby. I shot that Governor, what's his name, in the face. I am a dead duck if either of them finds me. I'm sure a hit man is after me," said Cheney explaining his hiding in the restroom.

Traveling with President, Proselytizing
     Cheney, traveling with the President while the President tries to rekindle America's love affair with Cheney's war, has been virtually unseen in recent months. Rumors that he was dead or buried in Grant's tomb or in a concrete building cornerstone were routinely pooh-poohed by the White House. "He's alive and well and planning our next war I can assure you," said White House spokesperson and former Foxx news anchor Tawny Snow.

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Secret White House Task Force Formed
      George W. Bush, acting as Commander in Chief of the US Armed Forces, launched a secret advisory task force in the White House tasked with developing a battle plan for the invasion of Iraq.
     Tawny Snow, the former Foxx news anchor and current Presidential spokesperson, denied the existence of the task force or any plans for an invasion of Iraq. "We've been through this before and there's just no credible evidence to suggest that the rumor is true," he unequivocally stated.

Bush's Not Too Secret Plan. A Mistake?
     Rumors of plans for an invasion of Iraq have dogged the administration as far back as December, 2006 when numerous blog sites, including this one, reported on Bush's secret plan. At the time, it was thought that he had mistaken Iraq for Iran, a close by Muslim country.

Iraq or Iran?
     At the time, Snow said that while it was possible, he could neither deny nor confirm the President's apparent confusion. "He had anesthesia for his colonoscopy several months ago and there maybe some lingering after effects," he said apologetically. "It's hard to tell when's he's confused or just normal like."

Snow "Clears" Up the Confusion Over Battle Plans
     When pressed for clarification of his previous denial, Snow had this to say: "When I say there's no credible evidence, it means just that. There's no one left here with any credibility who has presented any evidence or said anything about the existence of such a task force. Now that doesn't mean that one does or doesn't exist, it's just that it's a rumor and we don't engage in rumors. We only talk about facts or evidence and I haven't seen any. Is that clear?"

Bush Strikes Out at Opponents of Iraq War
     As usual, for his part, the President only seemed to add to the confusion. Speaking this week at the Charleston Air Force Base, Bush tried to emphatically lay out the case for an invasion. "There are those that will tell you that Al Queda in Iraq is not part of the global war on terror. Do not be fooled by the devil. When I say that they are part of Iran, I mean Al Queda, they're part of Al Queda. It's just that simple. You see, when I say something, I mean it. That is why we are respecturated around the world. If I say it, I mean it. It's just that simple. And I said it so I mean it. Next question."

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Excessive Commute
      Citing what he said was an excessive commute, President Bush today excommunicated Lewis "Scooter" Libby. Bush left intact some of Libby's penance saying that it was sufficient punishment for such a loyal servant.

Bush Met with Pope
     Reporters from Foxx and other news organizations pressed presidential press secretary Tawny Snow for clarification. He stated that the President had met with the Pope and, after kissing his ring, asked for help with the Iraq war. The Pope declined.

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More Attacks
      Repeated terrorist attacks continued in Great Britain today with a successful third bombing in Glasgow, Scotland. Yesterday, in two separate incidents, cars were found with explosive devices and projectiles. Given the crudity of the devices, it is assumed not to be attacks by al Queda.

Bush Wins Fishing Competition
     President Bush, vacationing in Kennebunkport, ME, is monitoring the events by Blackberry and TV news while he fishes, goes to church, and plans a wife swap for tonight. Bush 43, took the fishing competition by landing a 6 ounce Chilean Sea Bass. He attended services this morning at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion.

Continue reading "TERROR ATTACKS, Bush Watches on Foxx TV" »

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Mistakes Libby For Grizzly
    Vice President Dick Cheney shot I. "Scooter" Libby moments after he left the Helen Keller Federal Courthouse where he was found guilty on 4 of 5 counts of lying and obstruction of justice in the Valerie Plame affair. Cheney was immediately rushed to George Washington Hospital in the fashionable Foggy Bottom area in Washington, D.C. where he underwent extensive, preventative emergency testing.
Cheney Has Multiple Medical Problems
    Cheney, a former smoker and long obese, suffers from multiple medical and psychiatric problems related to these disorders. He has severe multi-vessel coronary artery disease and has had several coronary artery bypass operations as well as stenting procedures. He also suffers from congestive heart failure and cardiac rhythm disturbances and has an automatic implantable cardiac defibrillator (AICD). Most recently, he had a recurrent attack of his thrombophlebitis, a potentially life threatening condition in which blood clots form in the legs and threaten to travel to the lungs where they can kill the patient. This occurred shortly after the Afghan Taliban rebels attempted to kill the Vice President with bombs.

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Unsure What Protocol is for Hanging
    In an unusually candid moment, the US State Department acknowledged that it had no clue as to the proper protocol for carrying out a decent hanging. So it as hired newspaper columnist and etiquette expert Judith Martin, also known as Ms. Manners, to go to Iraq and assist in all further executions. "We were taken aback at the lack of procedure displayed over the weekend," said US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.
The Rules of "Civil" Warfare
    "We're sure there must be a right and a wrong way to carry these things out and that wasn't it. After all, we have very strict rules of how the boys get to play war so why not hangings?" she queried the reporters. "Breaking his neck no less. I mean come on," she mumbled under her breath. (Things you can do in war include using nuclear weapons and land mines that routinely kill children; things that you can't do include using chemical weapons or deliberately targeting civilians.) "So we're going to send Ms. Manners over there to show them how to do a hanging right."
Ms. Manners Has No Experience in Hangings
    When queried regarding Manners qualifications, Rice said that Manners had visited Texas once. Since Texas was the last State to use hangings, this was supposed to act as bonafides. Manners, for her part, seemed to agree. Standing next to Rice she said,"Look, there are just somethings you don't do; like using poor lighting, small camera phones for coverage, and yelling in Farsi at a man who speaks english. I mean they should have done it right, put it on Pay-Per-View TV and earned some cash for the country," she added. Manners will leave tonight but before she left the crowed news conference, she gave Fox reporters an exclusive Top Ten list for hangings as a starter.
Condoleeza Rice in a Stunning Outfit
    Ms. Rice today was dressing a beautiful cream colored Ralph Lauren suit with taupe edging that helped accent her skin coloring. Her hair was done by Sebastion in his usual manner. The jewelry was from Fred's Beverly Hills and her make up and nails were by the Kitchen Beautician. She was not accompanied by her most recent "partner."

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Bush Must Convert to Judaism

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Two Days Late and a Juan Shorted?
   In what seems to be the metaphor for this administration, the Whitehouse today, December 27th, canceled Christmas for this year and immediately raised the terrorist alert status to red, its highest level. "We've got a Chinese national in a red suit flying over US airspace trying to make contact with little children," said Whitehouse spokesperson and former FOX news anchor Tawny Snow in an Exclusive Fox News Alert two hours ago.
    "It's one of the worst scenarios imagined by the CIA and State Department. We've been unable to reach the Chinese government to revoke his visa and we've been unable to locate him even though he entered US airspace two days ago. If anyone sees him he is dressed in a red costume, riding in a sleigh pulled by reindeer. He's been harder to find than a bear in the woods in winter," a befuddled looking Snow said meekly.
US Needs Walls Cries O'Really?
    Fox pundit Bill O'Really? said that this proves that a wall is needed along the US Mexican border to keep foreigners out. "Laws like the ones they just passed in Hazelton, PA. are not enough," he reiterated. Hazelton earlier this week became the subject of widespread ridicule as it tried unsuccessfully to ban Santa Clause's entry into US airspace by labeling him an illegal foreign worker and a child predator. While the administration backed the effort quietly, it also sought to find a legal way to allow the new, Chinese made Santa to enter the US in time for Christmas.
Olympics Not in North Pole This Year
   The North Pole lost out in it's bid to host Santa Clause this year when it was discovered that its reindeer meat was rendered with fecal e coli contamination. Melting of the polar ice caps has made the North Pole a veritable garden spot in recent Summers.

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Administration Claims to Have Secret Plan
    An administration that no one believes any more trotted out Presidential spokesperson and former Fox anchorman Tawny Snow to defends its decision to go on holiday without a plan for Iraq's future. "We've got a plan. We've got a plan. We just aren't going to release it now. Look, Rome wasn't built in a day. Napoleon didn't take Russia in a day. Hitler didn't take Paris in a day. Give us some slack for Pete's sake. Shoot!" he exclaimed appearing exasperated with the reporters.
Bush to Call Up 26,000 Troops
    Nonetheless, in an apparent further affront to the Commission on Iraq's Status, the Bush administration announced today that they're not only not going to reduce troop levels as the report strongly suggested but that they are actually going to increase the numbers by approximately 26,000. It depends on how many volunteers they can get over the holiday period. The Pentagon has largely used up the Reserves and National Guard units available to it so these will come from the USO, Brownies, Girl and Boy Scout Troops. The administration is going to offer milk, thin mint cookies and merit badges as inducements for the scouts to sign up.
Hamilton/Baker/Simpson Commission Wants Immediate Action
    In another poke in the eye, they said that they will delay the release of details of their plans for accomplishing the mission, securing victory and withdrawing from the introitus of Iraq until after the holidays and perhaps until after the NFL championship is decided. "This is just unacceptable," said Homer Simpson (R-Wy), former nuclear engineer and retired senator from Wyoming and perhaps the second oldest living member of the panel. "We're at war! We can't delay now. What do they think? They can't just go taking vacations like Mr. Burns! Am I the only one besides Lisa in Springfield thinking clearly?" he asked.
Hamilton Demands Action
    "We need to start training up the Iraqi army now. Some of them are not well trained. Even with the extra 26,000 troops and increasing the number of embedded reporters to 32 per battalion, it will still take a while. We'll get better coverage on TV though. No doubt about it," said Hamilton. The trioka will return to Iraq to finish up some contractual matters later this month that remain regarding some oil pipelines that need to be initiated by the Saud family prior to any change in the direction of the war effort.
Tawny Snow Defends Administration Lack of Action
    Tawny Snow, presidential spokesperson and former Fox News anchor, said "Look, this is complicated stuff and it is, quite frankly taxing the Presidents brain. It's really hard work, requires thinking, and it's giving him headaches."
    "It's taking all he's got just to get through the morning. Some days he works well past noon before working out and then taking his nap. Some days he even has to skip that to meet with Brownie (Brown Rice, Secretary of State) to go over invasion plans for Iran, North Korea, Iraq, Afghanistan, Texas, and Alaska. They're planning to go after any place on earth with oil or barren land or both," he said without equivocating.
Administration Does Have Partial Plan
    "But let me get back to something I said earlier. The people who criticize us for not having a plan are just plain wrong. We do have a plan. It's in its early stages. It's complicated and has a lot of parts to it that need to work together; sort of like a what's that thing ...ah...ah...ah, yeah, a Rube Goldberg machine. We're working on some of the details right now. Now will we take a holiday break? Sure. Do we deserve it? Sure. Look, we created a mess in Iraq, one in Afghanistan, started one in North Korea, got Iran to start making nuclular materials and completely forgot about AIDS in Africa. I mean, we have been busy beavers. I can say beavers can't I? I mean there are f**k buddies out there. So it's okay right?" he quietly whispered.

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Sittin' By the Dock of the Bay
    In one of the most stunning and simultaneously eagarly awaited moves of the Fall "coming out" season, John Bolton, Ambassador of the United States to the United Nations and former Undersecretary of State, announced today that he is leaving his current post two years early to join his other two fraternal triplets in a new boy band called the "MJJ's".
No Deformities at Birth -- Paternity Unchallenged
    The whole issue of how a mother could give birth to Michael Bolton and then John and Joshua at the same time remains a Weekly World News mystery in the Bolton household. The mother vehemently denies drug or steroid use and categorically denies having engaged in anal sex. She never watched TV, read books or studied higher mathematics. She rarely went out at night and when she did, she was always accompanied by two men other than her husband. At the time of the birth, the boys appeared normal and were not conjoined at the hip or the head. The paternity of the three boys was never challenged as the boys "sort of" looked alike. But there is no doubt that something went very, very terribly wrong during that pregnancy. Rosemary. Michael is accomplished.
Bolton Will Join Talented Brother Michael Bolton
     John Bolton's decision to leave was apparently made easier by the offer of his multi-talented older brother (who incidentally appears younger than his stated age) Michael to front him some money for a new hair style and a shave. He also offered to let Michael Jackson or Kenny G do his voice overs on the albums. Michael Bolton, unlike his useless triplet John, is an accomplished artist and has sold 53 million albums, had eight top ten albums, had nine number one singles on the Billboard charts, and has awards from both the American Music Awards and the Grammys.
JB Grumpy Old Man
    John Bolton, on the other hand, is...well...largely just a grumpy old man who is a career civil servant. "I had to do something for my brother. He was just become so stultifying there at the UN. Everyone was complaining about his behavior. Status harumficus. Even Carol Channing called Shirley up on one of the local channels to tell me what a bitch he was becoming. God, you'd of thought he was a queen or something. Oh, my Gawd!" said Michael, his left earing briefly catching the glint of the morning sun.

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Over Rules Top Advisors
     Brainfleas has learned today from secret sources close to the President that he plans to order within days an invasion of Iraq. This invasion comes over the advice of his most senior advisors who recommended that he invade the other country in the region spelled Iran not Iraq. Believing that the President has confused the two, they have been desperately calling for immediate top level meetings with the Dick Cheney and Her Rumpsfeld. However neither seem to be available.
"Hunting" in Maryland
    According to these same sources, both the Dick Cheney and Her Rumpsfeld are currently holed up "hunting" on Cheney's farm on Coastal Maryland shooting near dead and helpless birds and are unreachable. This leaves the Bush on his own.
Presidential Confusion over Iran and Iraq
    In the past he has confused the two countries landing in Iran when he tried to make a surprise trip to the troops. At the time, when asked about the President's apparent confusion between Iraq and Iran, Presidential spokesperson and Foxx anchorman Tawny Snow said "He is not confused. He always intended to invade Iran. It's just that things got lost in translation."

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Aliens Deny Getting Messages From Bush or CIA
     Alien spokesperson Rod Serling vociferously denied charges yesterday that they were receiving coded messages from the Whitehouse and the Catholic Intelligence Agency (CIA) via Walk/Don't Walk signs scattererd across the country. Mr. Serling was speaking at a Star Trek convention in Tampa Beach, Florida,
    He genuinely appeared surprised at the charges and said that they were preposterous. He said that the Bush administration and the Catholic Intelligence Agency were the last two groups Aliens would turn to for "intelligence". "After all," he said, "look at what a fuck up they made of Iraq and the Missing Children of Biafra. I mean invading the wrong country and then outsourcing intelligence to a 'faith based organization'. You call that intelligence?" he added.

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Scientists Discover Hidden Messages
    Just two weeks after the administration introduced it's "Teach America Math Program" to the citizenry, angry scientists accused the government of using the program to send coded messages to alien spies.
    In a pronouncement immediately denounced by the Whitehouse as pure fiction, the scientists said that they have unequivocal proof that recent shortfalls in CIA recruitment of agents  have been met with recruitment of space aliens. They charge that the CIA has used the newly introduced  "Teach America Math Program" to send messages to its newest agents who, like many Americans and the President, can not read.

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Damage Fortunately Limited to Civilians
   Government officials immediately hailed the outcome of the attack as demonstrating the US' superior ability to limit damage only to civilians. A senior Whitehouse official speaking on the condition of animosity pointed out that no military personnel or equipment was damaged in the attack. "See, our deterence program is working. All those in Congress who said Starwars couldn't work were just plain wrong," he said. Squeamish officials were outraged.

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    President Bush today acknowleged the tragic events of 9/11 with an extended moment of silence. Speaking at a grammar school in Florida, Bush stopped and almost appeared paralyzed when he was told of the events. Shortly thereafter he excused himself and was wisked off to another undisclosed blue state aboard Air Force One for another campaign stop.
    There Bush plotted strategy for the upcoming elections with his closest advisor and confidente Karl Rove. Plans reportedly included an attack on Iraq, development of a "comprehensive war on terror" that would involve secret prisons, suspension of civil liberties and tortue as well as plans to attack the real perpetrator of the attack Osama Bin Forgotten.

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Lieberman Loses Senate Seat Despite Whitehouse Support
    Poor Joe. He voted for every war that George started. He never saw a war he didn't like: Afganistan, Iraq, Yemen, and now the proxy war of George v. Iran in South Lebanon. He and his friend George saw it alike. Always vote for strength when dealing with the tearist Joe said. Who cares if Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11? As Peter Chernobyl said, "It's war, war, war and terror, terror, terror." But like the threatened cancellation by Fox of 'The Whitehouse', Joe got cancelled.

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Continue reading "Heaven's Gate Travelers Return to Earth to Help Bush" »

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