The Catholic Church announced today that they may have perpetrated one of the biggest "misunderstandings" in history. The US Conference of Bishops reported the results of a day long investigation into the missing or starving children of Biafra. "We checked and they don't exist," said the Monsignor. "There must have been a mix up somewhere along the way. We think it may have occured in 1970 when Biafra disappeared," he added. "We're pretty sure that there were starving children before that. At least we've been able to confirm that there was country in Africa called Biafra from 1967 through 1970. Everything else is a bit sketchy," he continued.

    One of the long held tenets of the Catholic Church was the presence of starving children in Biafra. In the late 1960's millions of school aged children were taught to eat all their food because "there were starving children in Africa." It is not clear when this practice ended as the Catholic elementary schools still collect money in "rice bowls" at Lent.

    "I am outraged," said Mary McGuire. "They took all my pennies, nickels and dimes to help these starving children and now you're telling me that Biafra doesn't exist? I think they need to go to confession. No better yet, the whole outfit needs to go to confession," McGuire insisted. "This is disgusting. What a fraud."

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    Biafra? Speaking before the Restraurant Association in Chicago in a speech carried exclusively on FOXX, President Bush said that it had been a "difficult three years for the starving children of Biafra. And if we don't act, it may be longer. It is going to be a long hard slog and the tearists are going to test our patience," said Bush.

Tearists Responsible for Biafra's Missing Children
    The speech at the Restaurant Association was intended to be a major foreign policy address of the administration. "Their destruction can be seen everywhere. Whole phone books full of children have been torn apart by these tearists. They tear apart work places, families, and entire communities. The tearists have no regard for civil society," the President cogently added. "And my administration intends to fight them over there, in places like Biafra, not here at home," the President added in an emotionly charged speech. "I can remember as a child saving my pennies and cleaning my plate just to help the starving children of Biafra. To this day, I can't leave anything on my plate without hearing my mother's voice saying 'Clean your plate. There are starving children in Biafra'," Bush said.

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    President Bush announced today a new initiative of his administration. Speaking in the Rose Garden, a spot normally reserved for signing of important legislation, Bush declared May 21 "Biafran Missing Children's Day. This is a truly historic day," said Bush. "For nearly four decades, the lost and missing children of Biafra have been forgotten. These children were once world famous for their starvation. Now they're hardly in the news. We hear more about kids in the Darfur region. My administration will do something about this," decided Bush.

Foxx Plans Special: "Survivor Biafra"
    Appearing with him in the Rose Garden was Peter Chernin, President of FOXX. FOXX plans a new reality television show highlighting the plight of the once starving Biafran children called "Survivor Biafra".  The show will star the former chair of the Centre for the Missing and Exploited Children Ted Theodore Logan. Logan said he "looked forward to the opportunity of finding these children."

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