Lynn Cheney, speaking on MSNBC today, revealed a long hidden fact: her husband Dick and Barack Obama are distant cousins: one eighth to be exact! Mrs. Cheney says they have tried to keep this from the press but an anonymous source in the White House leaked the story.

     For her part, she said that they had not had relations with Kevin Bacon even though Dick looks more like he then Barack Obama.

     Obama replied that only Mrs. Cheney would find this remarkable. "Doesn't she know that we are all only six (6) steps away from Kevin Bacon? Do the math girl. That means at most we would be one 12th cousins! One eighth is nothing."

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Geography Exam Final Straw
     The Iraq Study Group, set up by President George Bush to advise him of options dealing with Iraq, has flunked out of school. "We did not flunk out, we merely withdrew," said Richard Pearle a leading hawk on starting the Iraq War. "Besides, what if we did flunk out? It doesn't mean we can't still give advice to the President. We have his ear you know. And withdrawals are what it's all about these days. Think of this as an strategic advance not a retreat," he added.

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President Speaks in Africanized Killer Bee Carrying Avian Flu Country: Coto de Caza
     President Bush, in anticipation of the 6th anniversary of the Twin Towers catastrophe in New York on September 11th, 2001, denied all intelligence about the war in Iraq. Speaking at a Republican fund raiser in Coto de Caza, California, Bush said that while he did make the decision to go into Iraq, he was not involved in the planning or conduct of the war. This astounding acknowledgment of the true role he played in the war making process seems to contradict the positions of many of his deputies.

How to Pick a Country to Invade Bush Style
     "I know nothing about the war. No siree Bob! Look, [Secretary] Cheney came to me in October of 2001 and asked me to pick a country to invade in Messopotamia and I chose Iraq." Explaining his choice of countries, Bush had this to say, "He showed me a map that had two Muslim countries spelled nearly the same, Iran and Iraq. I figured there was some redundancy in the United Nations so I chose Iraq. What's the big deal? I'm the deciderer not the intelligencer. I don't make intelligence, I deciderer. You see when I decide, I decider. That's the way it is. The buck stops here. I am the deciderer!"

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Rumsfeld Tenders His Resignation Before Election
     Donald Rumsfeld, current Secretary of Defense and former Chairman of Gilead Sciences tendered his resignation in anticipation of a resounding rejection of his policies in Iraq in the presidential election in 2008.

Rumors Suggest Brain Damage and Homer Simpson Syndrome
     There have been persistent rumors in the media recently suggesting that Rumsfeld would resign after he was found to have suffered a brain injury. Reports suggest that this occurred when he stuck a pencil up his nose to get a... and fell.
     His spokesperson, Paul Wolfowitz, vigorously denied this rumor despite the fact that images of what appears to be a pencil stuck in Rumsfeld's sphenoid sinus on a CT scan taken earlier this year at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Washington, D.C. were circulating on the web.
     He also denied that Rumsfeld was suffering from "Homer Simpson Syndrome." This syndrome is caused by placing a crayon or other object in your brain as Homer Simpson did in a recent episode. "While it is a tragedy for Mr. Simpson and his family, Mr. Rumsfeld does not have any neurological deficits that we can detect at this time."

Re-signing a Blessing Says Bush
      Speaking to the media, President Bush had this to say, "We are delighted that Rummy has decided to re-sign with our team. He has been a huge asset to us and we look forward to another two years of his service. Let me have this to say about Rummy. Now he get's a lot of heat. So do I sometimes. Shucks, it seems like we all get heat here in the White House."
     He continued, "But the man's got character and I respect that in a man. Ya see, a man has to live by his word. I live by my word. When I say we're going to fight them over there, we're going to fight them over there. Now some of you don't like that. But it's like Vietnam. They're a house of Dominoes. We were there and we weren't there and then we were there. It sort of like hide and go seek. And once they fell we had boat people over here. So that's why we're fighting them in Cambodia and Laos so we don't have boat people. In any case we're glad to have Rummy re-signed."

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Secret White House Task Force Formed
      George W. Bush, acting as Commander in Chief of the US Armed Forces, launched a secret advisory task force in the White House tasked with developing a battle plan for the invasion of Iraq.
     Tawny Snow, the former Foxx news anchor and current Presidential spokesperson, denied the existence of the task force or any plans for an invasion of Iraq. "We've been through this before and there's just no credible evidence to suggest that the rumor is true," he unequivocally stated.

Bush's Not Too Secret Plan. A Mistake?
     Rumors of plans for an invasion of Iraq have dogged the administration as far back as December, 2006 when numerous blog sites, including this one, reported on Bush's secret plan. At the time, it was thought that he had mistaken Iraq for Iran, a close by Muslim country.

Iraq or Iran?
     At the time, Snow said that while it was possible, he could neither deny nor confirm the President's apparent confusion. "He had anesthesia for his colonoscopy several months ago and there maybe some lingering after effects," he said apologetically. "It's hard to tell when's he's confused or just normal like."

Snow "Clears" Up the Confusion Over Battle Plans
     When pressed for clarification of his previous denial, Snow had this to say: "When I say there's no credible evidence, it means just that. There's no one left here with any credibility who has presented any evidence or said anything about the existence of such a task force. Now that doesn't mean that one does or doesn't exist, it's just that it's a rumor and we don't engage in rumors. We only talk about facts or evidence and I haven't seen any. Is that clear?"

Bush Strikes Out at Opponents of Iraq War
     As usual, for his part, the President only seemed to add to the confusion. Speaking this week at the Charleston Air Force Base, Bush tried to emphatically lay out the case for an invasion. "There are those that will tell you that Al Queda in Iraq is not part of the global war on terror. Do not be fooled by the devil. When I say that they are part of Iran, I mean Al Queda, they're part of Al Queda. It's just that simple. You see, when I say something, I mean it. That is why we are respecturated around the world. If I say it, I mean it. It's just that simple. And I said it so I mean it. Next question."

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Promises Offers Memberships
     Promises, the exclusive and expensive Malibu drug rehabilitation center announced today that it is offering memberships to guests with frequent stays. “We think this is a great solution for some of our frequent fliers like Lindsay Lohan, Christian Slater, or Britney Spears,” said cruise director Melissa Francis.

Benefits for Frequent Flyers
     “It offers a lot of benefits that are not available to less frequent users. We provide housing on a separate concierge floor, greeting basket with crack and cheese, hot tubs for two or more, reserved spaces poolside with good exposure to photographers, late afternoon tea with actual tea, free shuttle service from jail and guaranteed availability. Heck, we even reimburse clients for the phone call!” said Francis.

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Approved for Excessive Ambition Syndrome
      The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the popular street drug Marijuana (Marelax) (also known as pot, Mary Jane and others) for the treatment of excessive ambition syndrome. This syndrome affects millions of individuals world wide including numerous individuals who have no idea that they have the disease.

Identifying Those at Risk
     Mark Rocker of the marijuana advocacy group NORML said "Wow, this is big. I mean like wow. Big. Reeeeally big! It was cool. We helped name it. We were going to call it 'Weed' or 'Relax' or 'Pot' but they were in use." He was unable to comment further.
     The Right Reverend Author Dan Coulter called this the onset of the apocalypse. "There can be no clearer a sign that the end is near. Bush is loosing in Iraq, men are getting married to each other, parenthetically, I might add that I have no problem with girls marrying girls, and now the approval of a gateway drug by the Government. We're going to have millions of people hooked on hard drugs like alcohol and Vicodin as a result of this. It is a terrible move."
     The FDA issued guidelines on the drug's use. "We expect that only those individuals with high levels of ambition will be candidates for the drug. Anyone demonstrating an ability to get tasks done, routinely go to work, ever staying late, skipping vacations, unable to identify skateboard stars or seeking public office of any type would be candidates," said FDA Commissioner Sarah Ann Panz.

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     Scientists today provided unequivocal evidence from multiple sources demonstrating that George W. Bush was indeed descended from the Great Ape.
     Previous studies of his brain had disputed such a conclusion. Speaking on behalf of a world wide research team, Dr. August P. Von Stuepnagel said that Bush's brain, although pea sized, is shaped like the Great Ape's. "There is no doubt about it. We are sorry to say but he, like all the rest of us, is descended from the Great Apes.

Blow to Darwinism
     This is an astounding blow to Darwin's theory of evolution. Darwin held that descendants would be superior in some aspect to their fore father's thereby giving them a survival advantage. "To find a specimen such as Bush this far along the evolutionary chain who is so clearly defective calls Darwin's theory into doubt, "said Stuepnagel.

Christians Hail Findings as Validation of Creationism
     Around the world, fundamentalist Christians hailed the findings. "See, we told you that God could create anything he wanted at anytime. Whether it's the great flood and Noah, or it's George Bush, God has a hand in it," said the Right Reverend Author Dan Coulter. "Yeah, it must be some kind of a joke, a cruel joke indeed, if God was his creator." said Stuepnagel in retort.

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     Uniting two of America's shining lights, Nick Nolte announced that he had secretly married Lisa Nowak at a Walmart store in Orlando. "She was shopping for some diapers (size 0) and I was looking for some Depends," said Nolte. "They don't have that size in jail you know."

     For her part, Nowak professed that this was a match made in heaven and that she had forgotten all about Captain Colleen Shipman. Shipman was the 'other woman' in a love triangle with Bill Oefelein whom Nowak allegedly assaulted in an Orlando, FL airport. She allegedly drove from Houston, TX to Orlando, FL wearing diapers so that she did not have to make a 'pit stop'.

      "I'm over that. I'm not going there. Nick and I fell in love in the parking lot doing a deal and we got married inside by the greeter. The greeter assured us that he was a Justice of the Peace," she said. Nolte said that the newly married couple planned to honeymoon at a Sam's Club in Orlando after Nowak is cleared of all charges.

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     The radical Islamic group Hamas, who had been elected to the role of ruling party in Gaza and the West Bank, took over Gaza sending millions fleeing into Israel and the West Bank. Israeli forces tried, unsuccessfully, to stem the onslaught over the last four days. According to General Shonevitz, "this is the worst movement into Israel since the great flood."

     Secretary of State Condolences Rice said, "See. This is what we told you would happen. This is the first domino to fall. Next is Iraq and then Iran." There appeared to be confusion in the White House as damage control was in full swing.

     "What the Secretary meant to say was that if Israel took over Gaza and the West Bank, then it would be the first domino to fall or stand back up I mean. You see we've been using the reverse Domino effect in the Middle East where Dominoes stand back up after being knocked down. The secretary just got confused is all."

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     Disney Studios in a rare streak of true corporate citizenship has joined the effort to find Osama Bin Forgotten. With the launch today of a new ride at Disney World in Orlando Florida and Disneyland Resort in Anaheim California, Disney joins the legions of outraged participants in the political game of yelling "Where's Osama?" at President Bush and Prime Minister Tony Blair.
     Nearly as stupid as Bush's declaration of "Mission Accomplished" over 950 days ago, Bush's taunting of Bin Laden as "Public Enemy One" only seemed to embolden the leader. Innumerable terrorist attacks have occurred and the US now faces a humiliating defeat in Iraq.

New Submarine Game
     Still all is not lost. Disney believes that Bin Laden may have taken the low road and is employing a submarine to escape the land locked country of Iraq. Indeed, as Disney envisions it in its newest theme park ride, 'Finding Bin Laden', Bin Laden is trapped in the body of a run away goldfish without his dialysis machine and fears for his life.

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Acne, Impetigo, or Scrofula?
     Scared prison officials immediately released famed inmate Paris Hilton from jail to her parent's house after she developed a lesion on her lip overnight. Officially she is "reassigned" to house arrest, is required to wear a tracking ankle bracelet and is not to leave more than 3000 feet from her parent's posh Beverly Hills mansion.
     Prison officials were alerted to the medical development by her famed attorney. She was whisked away from solitary detention where she was no risk to other inmates late last evening under the cover of darkness to home.

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Two Day Marathon Longest
      It seems that Paris Hilton has skills other than her much admired lingual talents. She has now set a record for the most number of days spent in jail by a Hollywood do nothing.

    By completing her second night in lock down at Century Regional Detention Facility, she brought the total number of nights in jail she has served to 2. According to Ms. Hilton though that is actually equivalent to 2 days*. This means she has broken records held by Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Courtney Love. The previous record holders were unavailable for comment.

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 New York, New York
     Confusing Los Angeles with New York City, Paris Hilton tried to check into the Twin Towers last evening only to discover they had been destroyed by terrorists. "This is unbelievable! It's just a big hole in the ground. I mean, where am I supposed to sleep?"
     Hilton, the heiress grand daughter of Baron Hilton, apparently is blonde. "She was instructed to present herself at 6:00PM PST to the Twin Towers Central Booking Center at the LA County Correctional Facility. Instead she went to New York and presented herself to the by now sacred Twin Towers Site!" said LA County Sheriff's spokesperson Fe Male O'Bese. "We are seeking her extradition back to California where she will need to serve out her term in full."

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Size Often Half as Big as Stated
   The Federal Trade Commission and Consumer Reports in a joint news conference, carried live and exclusively on Fox TV today, warned the growing legions of women buying big screen TVs for their husband's for the "big game" not to dupe their mates about the size of the plasma and LCD TVs. Many are apparently telling men that they are buying the advertised TVs  and not the smaller TVs that are actually being bought. "This is one giant game," said Dierdre Dickendork, President of the Junior Leagues of Virginia. "Forty-two is really twenty-one, sixty-five is really thirty-two, six is three, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera," she quiped. "It's the same old game again...date and switch. It's happened to me a millions times with men and I love it," said Dickendork. "For once, the shoe's on the other foot!"
Push Ups, Buns and Frozen Tundras
    But for Lyddle Tykes, this is just more of the same. "Look, women have been duping men to get them to marry them for ages: push up bras, falsies, padded bras, false eye lashes, high heels, girdles, body stockings, panty hose, hair pieces, hair buns, hair weaves, even frozen vaginas. Now there buying 27 inch flat panels and telling us there 54 inchers. What's new? They're just lying to get us to have sex with them," he argued.
Objects Often Smaller Than in Mirrors
    A more reserved Katherine Emmanuelle, head of the FTC, said that size wasn't really this issue at hand here, it was more the misrepresentation. "Look, we don't care if it's only a six inch one. If you advertise a foot it has to be a foot. You can't say it's a foot and then have it be a six incher. That's misrepresentation and a cause for action by men getting these things," she said. "I realize that women look at these things in the mirror and there may be some distortion at the time of purchase, but 54 inches does not become 27 inches. No way," she added.

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Aliens Deny Getting Messages From Bush or CIA
     Alien spokesperson Rod Serling vociferously denied charges yesterday that they were receiving coded messages from the Whitehouse and the Catholic Intelligence Agency (CIA) via Walk/Don't Walk signs scattererd across the country. Mr. Serling was speaking at a Star Trek convention in Tampa Beach, Florida,
    He genuinely appeared surprised at the charges and said that they were preposterous. He said that the Bush administration and the Catholic Intelligence Agency were the last two groups Aliens would turn to for "intelligence". "After all," he said, "look at what a fuck up they made of Iraq and the Missing Children of Biafra. I mean invading the wrong country and then outsourcing intelligence to a 'faith based organization'. You call that intelligence?" he added.

Continued... 

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