Approved for Excessive Ambition Syndrome
      The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the popular street drug Marijuana (Marelax) (also known as pot, Mary Jane and others) for the treatment of excessive ambition syndrome. This syndrome affects millions of individuals world wide including numerous individuals who have no idea that they have the disease.

Identifying Those at Risk
     Mark Rocker of the marijuana advocacy group NORML said "Wow, this is big. I mean like wow. Big. Reeeeally big! It was cool. We helped name it. We were going to call it 'Weed' or 'Relax' or 'Pot' but they were in use." He was unable to comment further.
     The Right Reverend Author Dan Coulter called this the onset of the apocalypse. "There can be no clearer a sign that the end is near. Bush is loosing in Iraq, men are getting married to each other, parenthetically, I might add that I have no problem with girls marrying girls, and now the approval of a gateway drug by the Government. We're going to have millions of people hooked on hard drugs like alcohol and Vicodin as a result of this. It is a terrible move."
     The FDA issued guidelines on the drug's use. "We expect that only those individuals with high levels of ambition will be candidates for the drug. Anyone demonstrating an ability to get tasks done, routinely go to work, ever staying late, skipping vacations, unable to identify skateboard stars or seeking public office of any type would be candidates," said FDA Commissioner Sarah Ann Panz.

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     Disney Studios in a rare streak of true corporate citizenship has joined the effort to find Osama Bin Forgotten. With the launch today of a new ride at Disney World in Orlando Florida and Disneyland Resort in Anaheim California, Disney joins the legions of outraged participants in the political game of yelling "Where's Osama?" at President Bush and Prime Minister Tony Blair.
     Nearly as stupid as Bush's declaration of "Mission Accomplished" over 950 days ago, Bush's taunting of Bin Laden as "Public Enemy One" only seemed to embolden the leader. Innumerable terrorist attacks have occurred and the US now faces a humiliating defeat in Iraq.

New Submarine Game
     Still all is not lost. Disney believes that Bin Laden may have taken the low road and is employing a submarine to escape the land locked country of Iraq. Indeed, as Disney envisions it in its newest theme park ride, 'Finding Bin Laden', Bin Laden is trapped in the body of a run away goldfish without his dialysis machine and fears for his life.

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Acne, Impetigo, or Scrofula?
     Scared prison officials immediately released famed inmate Paris Hilton from jail to her parent's house after she developed a lesion on her lip overnight. Officially she is "reassigned" to house arrest, is required to wear a tracking ankle bracelet and is not to leave more than 3000 feet from her parent's posh Beverly Hills mansion.
     Prison officials were alerted to the medical development by her famed attorney. She was whisked away from solitary detention where she was no risk to other inmates late last evening under the cover of darkness to home.

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Two Day Marathon Longest
      It seems that Paris Hilton has skills other than her much admired lingual talents. She has now set a record for the most number of days spent in jail by a Hollywood do nothing.

    By completing her second night in lock down at Century Regional Detention Facility, she brought the total number of nights in jail she has served to 2. According to Ms. Hilton though that is actually equivalent to 2 days*. This means she has broken records held by Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Courtney Love. The previous record holders were unavailable for comment.

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 New York, New York
     Confusing Los Angeles with New York City, Paris Hilton tried to check into the Twin Towers last evening only to discover they had been destroyed by terrorists. "This is unbelievable! It's just a big hole in the ground. I mean, where am I supposed to sleep?"
     Hilton, the heiress grand daughter of Baron Hilton, apparently is blonde. "She was instructed to present herself at 6:00PM PST to the Twin Towers Central Booking Center at the LA County Correctional Facility. Instead she went to New York and presented herself to the by now sacred Twin Towers Site!" said LA County Sheriff's spokesperson Fe Male O'Bese. "We are seeking her extradition back to California where she will need to serve out her term in full."

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Third Attempt Not the Charm
   In a huge setback for the administration the Iraq Study Group failed it's most recent attempt to pass their SATs and will not be able to carry out their invasion of Iraq or Iran. Headmaster Lee Hamilton of Sunbeam, Florida presented the findings at a press conference today.
One of the Lowest Scores in History
    "Usually we don't release anyone's SAT scores publicly but this group's performance has such profound implications for the country and the world as a whole that we felt compelled to release their most recent results. On the geography section they scored a combined 139 out of 800; on the weather, they scored a 201 out of 800; and on the military judgement, it was 90 out of 800. Their combined total was 430 out of a possible 2400. It is one of the lowest scores ever seen on the SATs," he stated.
Near Levels You Get for Signing Name
    Colleague Flames Baker, a former confidant to Bush 41, stated that Brown Rice, Her Rumpsfeld, the Dick Cheney and the Bush ought to hit the books again. "This is the most shameful performance I think I have seen by a group of senior administration officials since the Nixon administration. One of them couldn't find Iraq on the map, one of them thought the USS Ronald Reagan was a library, and another thought a desert dust storm was a dessert created by Daniel Boulud. Can you believe that?" he rhetorically asked the stunned crowd of normally jaundiced and sickened reporters.

Continued below... 

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Aliens Deny Getting Messages From Bush or CIA
     Alien spokesperson Rod Serling vociferously denied charges yesterday that they were receiving coded messages from the Whitehouse and the Catholic Intelligence Agency (CIA) via Walk/Don't Walk signs scattererd across the country. Mr. Serling was speaking at a Star Trek convention in Tampa Beach, Florida,
    He genuinely appeared surprised at the charges and said that they were preposterous. He said that the Bush administration and the Catholic Intelligence Agency were the last two groups Aliens would turn to for "intelligence". "After all," he said, "look at what a fuck up they made of Iraq and the Missing Children of Biafra. I mean invading the wrong country and then outsourcing intelligence to a 'faith based organization'. You call that intelligence?" he added.

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