Irish Priest Admits Giving Nuns Steroids
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Just Trying to Keep Them From Wasting
Father Aloysius Patrick MacGilacutty III of County Cork admitted to authorities today that he was the source of the anabolic steroids found with the Anglican nuns in Mogadishu. The nuns were in the Horn of Africa trying to convert large herds of Muslims in the last virgin region in Africa. Their efforts were rebuffed however by the Greek and Eastern Orthodox tribes of nuns. Ultimately, the Greek Orthodox nuns prevailed in the Risk game using an unorthodox rear guard action.
Father MacGilacutty denied providing the steroids for use as performance enhancing drugs. Instead, he claimed that he gave the steroids to prevent the nuns from wasting in the African desert. "Look, they were out there fighting the good fight, crusading for God and church and I just thought that they would need something to keep from wasting. I mean came you imagine what a wasted nun would look like?" he asked rhetorically.
Steroids Not the Nuns'
All sects of
nuns denied that they used the steroids that were found during a
routine search of the winner's quarters. "I got enough problems with
men hitting on me back home. The last thing I want to do is get more
buffed, " said Sister Frère Jacques leader of the Anglican tribe. She
says that she lifts 3-4 times a week and can bench press her weight.
Maybe Linked to Betting Ring
Authorities suggested that Father MacGilacutty III maybe part of the
betting ring that was broken up last month shortly after the risk game
finished. The large ring involved priests, tavern owners, bookies and
same day check cashing services. Scotland Yard said that the priest was
probably providing the anabolic steroids to give one tribe of nuns an advantage and then using that knowledge in placing winning bets.
MI5 continues to work the link between the activities of the nuns in the Horn of Africa and CIA activities in the same area.
The CIA is now run by the American Catholics as they were awarded the
contract as part of President Bush's faith based initiatives. "They're
good at listenin'," said Bush.
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