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Rumsfeld Tenders His Resignation Before Election
     Donald Rumsfeld, current Secretary of Defense and former Chairman of Gilead Sciences tendered his resignation in anticipation of a resounding rejection of his policies in Iraq in the presidential election in 2008.

Rumors Suggest Brain Damage and Homer Simpson Syndrome
     There have been persistent rumors in the media recently suggesting that Rumsfeld would resign after he was found to have suffered a brain injury. Reports suggest that this occurred when he stuck a pencil up his nose to get a... and fell.
     His spokesperson, Paul Wolfowitz, vigorously denied this rumor despite the fact that images of what appears to be a pencil stuck in Rumsfeld's sphenoid sinus on a CT scan taken earlier this year at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Washington, D.C. were circulating on the web.
     He also denied that Rumsfeld was suffering from "Homer Simpson Syndrome." This syndrome is caused by placing a crayon or other object in your brain as Homer Simpson did in a recent episode. "While it is a tragedy for Mr. Simpson and his family, Mr. Rumsfeld does not have any neurological deficits that we can detect at this time."

Re-signing a Blessing Says Bush
      Speaking to the media, President Bush had this to say, "We are delighted that Rummy has decided to re-sign with our team. He has been a huge asset to us and we look forward to another two years of his service. Let me have this to say about Rummy. Now he get's a lot of heat. So do I sometimes. Shucks, it seems like we all get heat here in the White House."
     He continued, "But the man's got character and I respect that in a man. Ya see, a man has to live by his word. I live by my word. When I say we're going to fight them over there, we're going to fight them over there. Now some of you don't like that. But it's like Vietnam. They're a house of Dominoes. We were there and we weren't there and then we were there. It sort of like hide and go seek. And once they fell we had boat people over here. So that's why we're fighting them in Cambodia and Laos so we don't have boat people. In any case we're glad to have Rummy re-signed."