FDA Approves Marijuana (Marelax)
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Approved for Excessive Ambition Syndrome
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the popular street drug Marijuana (Marelax) (also known as pot, Mary Jane and others) for the treatment of excessive ambition syndrome. This syndrome affects millions of individuals world wide including numerous individuals who have no idea that they have the disease.
"A perfect example would be George Bush. He sought higher [sic, no pun intended] office and thinks he can be the US president. This is clearly delusional thinking and evidence of his excessive ambition. This type of excessive ambition can have devastating effects on the life of the individual and those who are near them. Do you really think we would have gone to war if he was smoking joints? Instead he was doing coke and alcohol in the past? Maybe that's the explanation for the war that the rest of the of the world has waited for," she added.
Identifying Those at Risk
Mark Rocker of the marijuana advocacy group NORML said "Wow, this is big. I mean like wow. Big. Reeeeally big! It was cool. We helped name it. We were going to call it 'Weed' or 'Relax' or 'Pot' but they were in use." He was unable to comment further.
The Right Reverend Author Dan Coulter called this the onset of the apocalypse. "There can be no clearer a sign that the end is near. Bush is loosing in Iraq, men are getting married to each other, parenthetically, I might add that I have no problem with girls marrying girls, and now the approval of a gateway drug by the Government. We're going to have millions of people hooked on hard drugs like alcohol and Vicodin as a result of this. It is a terrible move."
The FDA issued guidelines on the drug's use. "We expect that only those individuals with high levels of ambition will be candidates for the drug. Anyone demonstrating an ability to get tasks done, routinely go to work, ever staying late, skipping vacations, unable to identify skateboard stars or seeking public office of any type would be candidates," said FDA Commissioner Sarah Ann Panz.
Ambition is Deadly
The FDA simultaneously released an informational pamphlet for the public to help them identify persons suffering from excessive ambition. Among other symptoms, the FDA identified the following:
| Signs or symptoms | |
| Acts like Mr. George Bush Acts like Carrot Top Acts like Dick Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Pearle, Douglas Feith or any member of the Jefferson Society | |
Individuals displaying these behaviors should be reefered to a doctor for evaluation and treatment with marijuana.
Studies Were Never Completed
The FDA deviated greatly in its usual manner of approving drugs by accepting the application that it wrote without completed clinical trials. The agency relied on NORML and other groups to lead the trials but they were unable to accomplish the task.
Agency Tries to Do Application by Itself
The agency later wrote the trials themselves knowing the importance of the drug in the fight against war, hunger, and alcohol. "Unfortunately, no one could complete the trials. Once they got the marijuana, they failed to show up for further visits. We'd find them at places like Burger King, Dairy Queen and Little Caesar's Pizza. So we gave up," said Ms. Panz.
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