Cheney in the Closet
     Dick Cheney, the US Vice-President, has been found alive and unharmed. Virtually disappearing from sight after his recent shooting incident with the former Governor of Texas and then his brush with Federal prosecutors over Scooter Libby, Cheney was found stashed away onboard Air Force One in a water closet. He is now out of the restroom.

Feared for Life
     "What did you expect? That I'd be out in the open where that Governor or Libby can shoot me. I already shot Libby. I shot that Governor, what's his name, in the face. I am a dead duck if either of them finds me. I'm sure a hit man is after me," said Cheney explaining his hiding in the restroom.

Traveling with President, Proselytizing
     Cheney, traveling with the President while the President tries to rekindle America's love affair with Cheney's war, has been virtually unseen in recent months. Rumors that he was dead or buried in Grant's tomb or in a concrete building cornerstone were routinely pooh-poohed by the White House. "He's alive and well and planning our next war I can assure you," said White House spokesperson and former Foxx news anchor Tawny Snow.

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Secret White House Task Force Formed
      George W. Bush, acting as Commander in Chief of the US Armed Forces, launched a secret advisory task force in the White House tasked with developing a battle plan for the invasion of Iraq.
     Tawny Snow, the former Foxx news anchor and current Presidential spokesperson, denied the existence of the task force or any plans for an invasion of Iraq. "We've been through this before and there's just no credible evidence to suggest that the rumor is true," he unequivocally stated.

Bush's Not Too Secret Plan. A Mistake?
     Rumors of plans for an invasion of Iraq have dogged the administration as far back as December, 2006 when numerous blog sites, including this one, reported on Bush's secret plan. At the time, it was thought that he had mistaken Iraq for Iran, a close by Muslim country.

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Promises Offers Memberships
     Promises, the exclusive and expensive Malibu drug rehabilitation center announced today that it is offering memberships to guests with frequent stays. "We think this is a great solution for some of our frequent flyers like Lindsay Lohan, Christian Slater, or Britney Spears," said cruise director Melissa Francis.

Benefits for Frequent Flyers
     "It offers a lot of benefits that are not available to less frequent users. We provide housing on a separate concierge floor, greeting basket with crack and cheese, hot tubs for two or more, reserved spaces poolside with good exposure to photographers, late afternoon tea with actual tea, free shuttle service from jail and guaranteed availability. Heck, we even reimburse clients for the phone call!" said Francis.

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Approved for Excessive Ambition Syndrome
      The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the popular street drug Marijuana (also known as pot, Mary Jane and others) for the treatment of excessive ambition syndrome. This syndrome affects millions of individuals world wide including numerous individuals who have no idea that they have the disease.

Identifying Those at Risk
     Mark Rocker of the marijuana advocacy group NORML said "Wow, this is big. I mean like wow. Big. Reeeeally big!" He was unable to comment further.
     The Right Reverend Author Dan Coulter called this the onset of the apocalypse. "There can be no clearer a sign that the end is near. Bush is loosing in Iraq, men are getting married to each other, parenthetically, I might add that I have no problem with girls marrying girls, and now the approval of a gateway drug by the Government. We're going to have millions of people hooked on hard drugs like alcohol and Vicodin as a result of this. It is a terrible move."
     The FDA issued guidelines on the drug's use. "We expect that only those individuals with high levels of ambition will be candidates for the drug. Anyone demonstrating an ability to get tasks done, routinely go to work, ever staying late, skipping vacations, unable to identify skateboard stars or seeking public office of any type would be candidates," said FDA Commissioner Sarah Ann Panz.

Bush Has Excessive Ambition Syndrome

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Blow to Darwinism
     This is an astounding blow to Darwin's theory of evolution. Darwin held that descendants would be superior in some aspect to their fore father's thereby giving them a survival advantage. "To find a specimen such as Bush this far along the evolutionary chain who is so clearly defective calls Darwin's theory into doubt, "said Stuepnagel.

Christians Hail Findings as Validation of Creationism
     Around the world, fundamentalist Christians hailed the findings. "See, we told you that God could create anything he wanted at anytime. Whether it's the great flood and Noah, or it's George Bush, God has a hand in it," said the Right Reverend Author Dan Coulter. "Yeah, it must be some kind of a joke, a cruel joke indeed, if God was his creator." said Stuepnagel in retort.

There's More. Click here. "Bush Descended From Great Ape; Blow to Darwinism" »

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Excessive Commute
      Citing what he said was an excessive commute, President Bush today excommunicated Lewis "Scooter" Libby. Bush left intact some of Libby's penance saying that it was sufficient punishment for such a loyal servant.

Bush Met with Pope
     Reporters from Foxx and other news organizations pressed presidential press secretary Tawny Snow for clarification. He stated that the President had met with the Pope and, after kissing his ring, asked for help with the Iraq war. The Pope declined.

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There's More. Click here. "New Book of Revelations Found" »

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