Uniting two of America's shining lights, Nick Nolte announced that he had secretly married Lisa Nowak at a Walmart store in Orlando. "She was shopping for some diapers (size 0) and I was looking for some Depends," said Nolte. "They don't have that size in jail you know."

     For her part, Nowak professed that this was a match made in heaven and that she had forgotten all about Captain Colleen Shipman. Shipman was the 'other woman' in a love triangle with Bill Oefelein whom Nowak allegedly assaulted in an Orlando, FL airport. She allegedly drove from Houston, TX to Orlando, FL wearing diapers so that she did not have to make a 'pit stop'.

      "I'm over that. I'm not going there. Nick and I fell in love in the parking lot doing a deal and we got married inside by the greeter. The greeter assured us that he was a Justice of the Peace," she said. Nolte said that the newly married couple planned to honeymoon at a Sam's Club in Orlando after Nowak is cleared of all charges.

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More Attacks
      Repeated terrorist attacks continued in Great Britain today with a successful third bombing in Glasgow, Scotland. Yesterday, in two separate incidents, cars were found with explosive devices and projectiles. Given the crudity of the devices, it is assumed not to be attacks by al Queda.

Bush Wins Fishing Competition
     President Bush, vacationing in Kennebunkport, ME, is monitoring the events by Blackberry and TV news while he fishes, goes to church, and plans a wife swap for tonight. Bush 43, took the fishing competition by landing a 6 ounce Chilean Sea Bass. He attended services this morning at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion.

There's More. Click here. "TERROR ATTACKS, Bush Watches on Foxx TV" »

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