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More Attacks
Repeated terrorist attacks continued in Great Britain today with a successful third bombing in Glasgow, Scotland. Yesterday, in two separate incidents, cars were found with explosive devices and projectiles. Given the crudity of the devices, it is assumed not to be attacks by al Queda.
Bush Wins Fishing Competition
President Bush, vacationing in Kennebunkport, ME, is monitoring the events by Blackberry and TV news while he fishes, goes to church, and plans a wife swap for tonight. Bush 43, took the fishing competition by landing a 6 ounce Chilean Sea Bass. He attended services this morning at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion.
There's More. Click here. "TERROR ATTACKS, Bush Watches on Foxx TV" »
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The radical Islamic group Hamas, who had been elected to the role of ruling party in Gaza and the West Bank, took over Gaza sending millions fleeing into Israel and the West Bank. Israeli forces tried, unsuccessfully, to stem the onslaught over the last four days. According to General Shonevitz, "this is the worst movement into Israel since the great flood."
Secretary of State Condolences Rice said, image"See. This is what we told you would happen. This is the first domino to fall. Next is Iraq and then Iran." There appeared to be confusion in the White House as damage control was in full swing.
There's More. Click here. "Hamas Takes Gaza; Millions Flee" »
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Disney Studios in a rare streak of true corporate citizenship has joined the effort to find Osama Bin Forgotten. With the launch today of a new ride at Disney World in Orlando Florida and Disneyland Resort in Anaheim California, Disney joins the legions of outraged participants in the political game of yelling "Where's Osama?" at President Bush and Prime Minister Tony Blair.
Nearly as stupid as Bush's declaration of "Mission Accomplished" over 950 days ago, Bush's taunting of Bin Laden as "Public Enemy One" only seemed to embolden the leader. Innumerable terrorist attacks have occurred and the US now faces a humiliating defeat in Iraq.
New Submarine Game
Still all is not lost. Disney believes that Bin Laden may have taken the low rode and is employing a submarine to escape the land locked country of Iraq. Indeed, as Disney envisions it in its newest theme park ride, 'Finding Bin Laden', Bin Laden is trapped in the body of a run away goldfish without his dialysis machine and fears for his life.
There's More. Click here. "Finding Osama Bin Forgotten" »
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Acne, Impetigo, or Scrofula? Scared prison officials immediately released famed inmate Paris Hilton from jail to her parent's house after she developed a lesion on her lip overnight. Officially she is "reassigned" to house arrest, is required to wear a tracking ankle bracelet and is not to leave more than 3000 feet from her parent's posh Beverly Hills mansion.
Prison officials were alerted to the medical development by her famed attorney. She was whisked away from solitary detention where she was no risk to other inmates late last evening under the cover of darkness to home.
There's More. Click here. "Paris Breaks Out" »
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Two Day Marathon Longest It seems that Paris Hilton has skills other than her much admired lingual talents. She has now set a record for the most number of days spent in jail by a Hollywood do nothing.
By completing her second night in lock down at Century Regional Detention Facility, she brought the total number of nights in jail she has served to 2. According to Ms. Hilton though that is actually equivalent to 2 days*. This means she has broken records held by Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Courtney Love. The previous record holders were unavailable for comment.
There's More. Click here. "Paris Sets Record" »
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New York, New York
Confusing Los Angeles with New York City, Paris Hilton tried to check into the Twin Towers last evening only to discover they had been destroyed by terrorists. "This is unbelievable! It's just a big hole in the ground. I mean, where am I supposed to sleep?"
There's More. Click here. "Paris Is Burning" »
Uniting two of America's shining lights, Nick Nolte announced that he had secretly married Lisa Nowak at a Walmart store in Orlando. "She was shopping for some diapers (size 0) and I was looking for some Depends," said Nolte. "They don't have that size in jail you know."
For her part, Nowak professed that this was a match made in heaven and that she had forgotten all about Captain Colleen Shipman. Shipman was the 'other woman' in a love triangle with Bill Oefelein whom Nowak allegedly assaulted in an Orlando, FL airport. She allegedly drove from Houston, TX to Orlando, FL wearing diapers so that she did not have to make a 'pit stop'.
