Tests All Negative
    Dr. Ei Richman, Chief of Staff at GW Hospital said the the CT Scan of Cheney's Head, Neck, Chest, Abdoen, Pelvis, and Groin were unchanged. In addition, his blood chemistries were in their ususal state and his drug levels were unchanged. He declined to comment further on which tests were abnormal. "Com'n guys. We could be here all day and I've got work to do. Give me a break. 'K?," he asked. "He's got lots of medical and psychiatric problems and he's in his usual state of poor health. Look what he's done at work. 'Nuf said, eh?"
Cheney Recovers Quickly
    Cheney said he expected to be released later today. "Look, I feel fine. I feel bad for Scooter and his family though. First he hears that bad news in that Keller Courthouse and then I miss him with my gun. I saw him standing up there. Looked just like a grizzly to me. He was casting a long shadow on the steps. So I tried to take him down with my famous head shot. But instead I got him in the face. That must of hurt."
    "So now instead of me felling him with one maybe two shots max he's got to go and get surgery. That's a real bummer. God. Found guilty and then me missing him with my gun. I really didn't want him to suffer. I don't like to see any animal suffer. I wanted to fell him with one or two clean shots to the head. His life must really suck. I feel real sorry for him and his family. No trusted civil servant who just does what I tell him to do deserves treatment like that."
Libby Unsure What Happened
    "I was standing at the top of the steps next to my wife and the next thing I know is I am hurting and my face is bleeding," Libby said. Libby, despite his injuries, was treated at the scene by Girl Scouts working on a health care merit badge and released. According to the scouts, Libby suffered repercussion injuries to his face. These removed the top superficial layers of his face taking with them any remaining morals that he had. Libby, for his part, denied that this was part of a plan to silence him and to protect the Vice President from possible prosecution. "Look, the jury already thought I was the fall guy and there maybe some truth to that but if you think that I'm going to let some stark raving mad lunatic VP with a bad aim and a lethal weapon take aim at my head you've lost your mind thank you very much," he quipped. "I am a civil servant not a dumb horse's ass."
Attack Not Pre-medicated
    Cheney claim the attack was not premedicated. He said that he always goes grizzly hunting in Foggy Bottom around noon with his Browning 12 gauge semi-automatic shotgun. He always keeps it loaded with double 00 buck shot in 2 3/4 shells. He says that he normally does not get a chance to shoot at much because of the secret police that are with him and today's opportunity was greatly welcomed. "I hope there are more opportunities like this in the future. It helps keep the riff raff down and the do gooders indoors," he said.
Uses AICD to Cushion Blow Back
    Cheney noted that there are some benefits from being ill. He says that he uses his $45,000 AICD defibrillator to cushion the shoulder against the blow from the Browning semi-automatic shotgun. "Well ya' know, when you let loose with one of these babies, even with the new gas discharge models, they still have quite a kick. After a day of huntin' and killin' your shoulder can be come pretty sore. That means tomorrow you can't go out. But with my pacemaker here, I just put the stock right tight in here and the blowback is pretty much gone. I'm sure that's not what Medtronics designed it for but they must have some duck hunting engineers around that place. Yes siree!"