Catholic Church Modernizes the Mass
Third Ecumenical Council Held in Belize
Finishing up a week's worth of vacationing in the resort island of Belize, the Third Ecumenical Council of the Roman Catholic Church announced sweeping changes to the mass designed to bring it into the 21st century. "We were sitting around the pool having shooters when Captain Mary Peter suggested we take a fresh look at the mass," said Cardinal Baloney (R, Los Angeles, CA). "It was a nice break from talking about all the cute boys running around poolside. In any case, he suggested using SMS and frozen wafers instead of churches. At first we thought he needed a couple more shooters but then....it all became a little too foggy."
Several Participants Hospitalized for Ice Poisoning
Despite the warning provided before hand in their own diocese and again when they arrived at the hotel not to drink the local water or to have the ice, many of the participants had substantial quantities of both. By the next day, many were sick with headaches, nausea, lightheadedness, weakness and decreased appetite. Some required hospitalization for intravenous fluids. Others took additional shooters and felt better.
Some Remembered
Those that could remember immediately tried to forget Father John's suggestion about using text messaging in the mass. "How would it work? You mean they would just SMS in their responses? They wouldn't even be there? They would just take a wafer out of the freezer that they got on Palm Sunday and microwave it? They would use Paypal for the donation basket and the women are still relegated to menial tasks like coloring backgrounds and making screen savers? This is too weird," said Father Peter Crotchette.
Preservation Works
So does embalming but in the end (? that is the phrase right, seems kind of untoward), John's perserverance won out and his changes were sent around the world for implementation. Below is a brief synopsis of the new mass and the rules that qualify one as having attended and getting credit towards avoiding the fires of eternal damnation in hell. I've tried to keep them brief for those of you who like to come late, leave early and pick and chose which masses you attend -- the sort of bento box Catholics.
Attendance Not Required
1. No attendance at a church is required but you must send in at least 50% of the SMS text messages required. The messages will take about 30 minutes in total so 50% is about 15 minutes. The priest reads from a script and uses crystal meth so it now goes quickly. Don't try and get someone else to send in messages for you. The messages are traced to your phone and credit is given to your phone only. So don't even think about cheating. If you cheat, you get to do 10 rosaries. Now a days the rosaries are electronic and take 15' each.
Communion Hosts Lo-Cal
2. On Palm Sunday, you will pick up a sealed package of either 52 or 365 blessed wafers. They come in whole wheat, tofu, chocolate, latte, and passion fruit flavors. These should be kept frozen in your freezer until used. With the exception of the latte and passion fruit, the others should be microwaved for 10 seconds before consumption.
Use Paypal Not Penpal
3. When the collection basket is passed, your donations should be made to the church using your Paypal account. Some suggested a Penpal account but in light of recent revelations by the Church it was decided to go with Paypal. The phones GPS will automatically locate the nearest Catholic Church and the software will take the approprite amount from you account based on a combination of your average monthly credit card balances and your checking account balances. If for some reason this can not occur at this time, it will be processed on the next business day until it clears.
Penance is Back with a Vengeance
4. The Sacrament of Reconciliation will now go back to its old name of "Penance". Too many people were getting confused and were forgeting that they even had to go to penance. Priests were sitting in confessional booths wasting Saturday afternoons when they could have been watching NASCAR racing, NCAA Basketball or Football. So the council has recommended reinstituting the practice. But they also recommended giving priests there Saturdays back by outsourcing the act to true professionals.
They recommended and the Vatican accepted that from now on all penances be heard and punishment meated out by S&M Dominatrixes. Mortal sins will carry a punishment of 5 minutes and venial sins will carry a punishment of 2.5 minutes with the dominatrix. However, you will get a credit of 1 or 0.5 minutes on your text messaging on your phone. The dominatrix will enter *666_#the amount of credit_*the authcode. This will show up on your bill.
Women Still Second Class
5. Women, under the new plan, have been relegated, as before, to a menial role. The are to make screen savers and spify background wallpapers. They can also turn the pages for the priest as he reads quickly and keep track of the credits for the S&M. They can also count and wrap the wafers prior to their blessing on Palm Sunday.
No Credit for Shopping and Texting
6. It is important to point out that several things to don't get count towards attendance. Text messaging while shopping or having brunch (remember that gps thingy?); Automating the text messaging No bots....ve have vays...; eating all the wafers at once (they cause severe diarrhea); using fake emails address and accounts for Paypal we check the cards before letting you use sms; etc.
Massages Get an A
7. But somethings are okay. Like texting from the toilet, pool, car, work, etc. Getting a massage from the dominatrix. So overall it's a good deal.
New Phones Take the Drudgery Out
8. Verizon and Sprint are coming out with new versions of phones. Sprint's comes preprogrammed with the Mass' MSM sorry SMS (I've been working in AIDS too long) text messages for an English format. This should save a considerable amount of time. Verizon is coming out with a "Moto M" for those who attend the "traditional" masses. It has the SMS text messages programmed in both English and Latin. Pricing has not been announced yet. The other carriers are sure to follow.
Catholics Out Front?
9. Rumor has it that the Reformed and the Orthodox sects of the Jewish faith are planning something similar for the 21st century. Now that's a twist. Since when has the Catholic Church led anything since the Crusades?
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