State Department Sends Ms. Manners to Iraq After Hanging Debacle
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Unsure What Protocol is for Hanging
In an unusually candid moment, the US State Department acknowledged that it had no clue as to the proper protocol for carrying out a decent hanging. So it as hired newspaper columnist and etiquette expert Judith Martin, also known as Ms. Manners, to go to Iraq and assist in all further executions. "We were taken aback at the lack of procedure displayed over the weekend," said US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.
The Rules of "Civil" Warfare
"We're sure there must be a right and a wrong way to carry these things out and that wasn't it. After all, we have very strict rules of how the boys get to play war so why not hangings?" she queried the reporters. "Breaking his neck no less. I mean come on," she mumbled under her breath. (Things you can do in war include using nuclear weapons and land mines that routinely kill children; things that you can't do include using chemical weapons or deliberately targeting civilians.) "So we're going to send Ms. Manners over there to show them how to do a hanging right."
Ms. Manners Has No Experience in Hangings
When queried regarding Manners qualifications, Rice said that Manners had visited Texas once. Since Texas was the last State to use hangings, this was supposed to act as bonafides. Manners, for her part, seemed to agree. Standing next to Rice she said,"Look, there are just somethings you don't do; like using poor lighting, small camera phones for coverage, and yelling in Farsi at a man who speaks english. I mean they should have done it right, put it on Pay-Per-View TV and earned some cash for the country," she added. Manners will leave tonight but before she left the crowed news conference, she gave Fox reporters an exclusive Top Ten list for hangings as a starter.
Condoleeza Rice in a Stunning Outfit
Ms. Rice today was dressing a beautiful cream colored Ralph Lauren suit with taupe edging that helped accent her skin coloring. Her hair was done by Sebastion in his usual manner. The jewelry was from Fred's Beverly Hills and her make up and nails were by the Kitchen Beautician. She was not accompanied by her most recent "partner."
Continued below...
Ms. Manners' Top Ten Rules for a Hanging
10. Widely publicize the event and have plenty of seating. If there are a lot of people milling around on the platform, it is difficult tp tell who's turn it is to be hanged. Sitting also helps establish a sense of order and decorum.
9. Guests should be seated shortest to tallest or youngest to oldest never the other way around. This demonstrates a sense of maturity and growth in the guilty party rather than a regression to the womb and an infantile behavior. It reminds the guily to act like a mature adult.
8. Do have plenty of snacks and drinks for the guests. Ideally, finger food, something really spectacular that might take your breath away. These events can take a long time to "get off the ground" so to speak.
7. Make sure the gallows is the right height. Using too short a gallows makes for a mess.
6. Wear the right size hood. These are designed as disguises. Make sure they completely cover your head. Exposed necks, ears, hair, beards, etc, are very gauche.
5. Black is the color of the day. If you don't have black clothes you should borrow some. There's nothing worse than some guy on the gallows wearing white. It makes him look fat and draws attention away from the person to be hanged. It is his day after all, not yours.
4. Flowers after Labor Day are out. He'll have plenty of time for flowers later.
3. Stand up straight. You're on camera and you want your mother to be proud. Don't be a slouch.
2. Get Don King involved.
1. Make sure you have the right guy. It looks embarrassing when the photos don't match.
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