Congress Tells Bush to Convert
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President George W. Bush was given 90 days by the Congress to convert to Judaism or some other religion that mandates rapid burial. This follows the excruciating long funeral of our beloved former President Ronald Reagan and the current equally as long funeral of the bumbling former President Gerald Ford.
Funeral Services Get Out of Hand
"These services are really getting out of hand," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "I mean what did this guy do? He was just President for God's sake. And he wasn't even elected to boot!" she exclaimed.
"They're sucking up all the oxygen in the room and making it difficult for the rest of us Congressional blow hards to get air time. Why I could even get attention paid to my Congressional pay increase bill," she continued. "Before, that would be front page, above the fold kind of stuff. Now it's below the fold at best usually amongst a lot of pictures of a dead man. Funerals, funerals, funerals. Enough already," she said sounding exasperated. She added, "It's about time Congress put an end to this non-sense."
Both Houses Pass ResolutionBoth houses of Congress passed the "Sense of the Congress" resolution. The House passed it 294-115 mostly along party lines with some abstentions. The Senate passed it 51-49 with Senator Johnson arising from his death bed to cast the deciding vote. This later move may be a harbinger of things to come. Passage of the resolution naturally pushed back more important legislative efforts including a Bill to get troops out of Iraq, the Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act and the Preservation of Northwest Beavers Act.
Senators Express Frustration
Both incoming Senate Majority Leader Harry Reed (D, NV) and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R, KY) echoed Pelosi's comments. Reed said, "We can't have State funerals taking away from our regular business. We've got, a least by my count, 3 and possibly four more Presidents to go. I mean this could take years!" McConnell, in his first official act as a Republican leader helped to pass the legislation. "It's no more to dead, white, Christians parading around the Capitol. It screws of my commute home to Potomac," he said.
Must Convert within 90 Days
President Bush, a born again Christian since he stopped using drugs, is adamantly opposed to the measure. "Look, we've got the Hindus and the Jews. They're the only ones that have swift funerals. What am I supposed to do, learn a new religion? Hell I can hardly read the morning Sports page without help. It will surely take more than 90 days to learn a new religion!" he exhaled. Condoleeza Rice was on a talk show junket and unavailable for comment or tutoring.
Religious Differences May Dictate Choice
"Hindus worship Buddha and I can't exactly become Jewish with what's going on in Iran now can I? This is another of those tough decisions for the 'decider'. And I'm the 'decider'," Bush said. "I hate Buddha. He's fat and I hate fat people. Look at me and Conde. We've got a lean, mean administration. Oh well, Cheney kind'a screws that up but I mean I hate fat. Is there a Jewish sect that doesn't really practice religion, sort of like the Protestants?" Bush asked the reporters.
Different Religions Have Different Customs
In Judaism, it is customary to bury the individual on the same day or the next if at all possible. Time is given for the family to assemble. In Hinduism, the body is created on an open fire. The ashes are placed in an urn and must be washed with water from the Ganga River within 3 days. Both customs date back centuries when preservation of a body was not realistic in hot climates.
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