Bush to Send Swiss Guard to Iraq
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Top Secret Plan to be Revealed Wednesday Leaked Exclusively to Fox
President George W. Bush will send the Swiss Guard to Iraq to re-establish order in Bagdad. The 100 person strong army, under the command of Monsignor Guancie Dentellare, is known for its brutal force but has not seen action in several centuries.
The Swiss Guard is the official Army of the Vatican City State. It was founded by Pope Julius II in 1506 and was originally made up of Swiss mercenaries from the Swiss Confederation. They currently are the personal bodyguards of the Pope. Recruitment is restricted to Catholic male Swiss citizens.
By sending all 100 of the Guard, the Vatican will be leaving itself unprotected against any aggression from Italy. The Holy See does not expect any trouble however because the weather has been warm and the Italians usually prefer gelatio over war at this time of year.
Nada Mas from the Coalition
Bush for his part is embarrassed that none of the "Coalition of the Willing" has agreed to send troops. In fact, the British have made it a priority to get its remaining 900 soldiers out of Iraq leaving only Pakistan, Indonesia, and a host of other "countries" receiving US foreign and military aid to man the "front". The French have offered to send the needed 20,000 additional troops but only if they can stay permanently in the Green Zone.
Continued below...
"Look, he spent all his money the last time bribing governments to send troops. With his budget deficit and foreign trade imbalance, no one wants his dollars anymore. If he wants us to go to Iraq, he's going to have to pay us in Euros and let us stay in the cushy Green Zone", said French Minister Nicholas Sarkozy. According to US government officials, the deficit this year is over $300 billion and this does not include any of the costs of the Iraq or Afghanistan wars.
Swiss Guard Will Rapidly Establish Order in Bagdad
It is anticiapted that the 100 person strong guard will be able to rapidly establish order in Bagdad where the US troops have failed. "We're into corporal puunishment," said Monsignor Guancie Dentellare. "The first thing we are going to do is tell each party to go to their corners. Next, we will draw a line around the city and they will be told to stay behind it. Anyone caught going over the line will be taken by their ears to my office. There we will meat out the punishment from the good fathers. If there is anymore fighting, they will be sent home to Anbar province or to Sadr City," he added.
Corporal Punishment by Priests Used for Centuries
"This is an age old way of settling differences," he continued, "and we have used it successfully in Catholic schools for centuries. We just make them pull down their pants and then we make their cheeks good and rosy. The girls we fondle a little differently. It never fails. No one wants to meet a priest alone these days!"
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