Bush Found 'Trancercisemowipe' While
Not Using Drugs
   Bush maintained that the delay in action was not due to slothliness on the part of the administration but rather to an inadvertant discharge of his unique "Trancercisemowipe" stare. He claims to have developed this "stare" while running for office in Texas and he has used it repeatedly on the American people to get what he wants done in the facing of seemingly insurmountable opposition from his constituents. The technique, according to Bush involves staring at an individual or group of individuals, putting them into a trance, telling them what you want them to do, and then "doing a sort of 'mind wipe' like on 'Men in Black'."
Used 'Trancercisemowipe' on Americans
    "How do you think I got them to go to war in the wrong country?" he said laughingly. "Do you think that was an accident? Look this thing I got is mighty powerful stuff. Looky here now. If I aim my eyes at you and turn on my 'transcercisemowipe' and aim it at you, heck I could get you to kiss my wife. Hell, I wouldn't even do that myself," he joked.
'Transcercisemowiped' Himself Unexpectedly
    "But a couple times there was this mirror, ya' see. A mighty strong mirror and it deflected the beam back onto me and I got 'transcercisemowiped' myself! You remember September 11th? I don't. You remember that school house in Florida where I was reading to the children? I don't. You remember Katrina? I don't. You remember Eyerack? I don't. You see, if the beam comes back on me it affects me just like you," he said in closing. "I just sat there and stared and then forgot my mind and that is a terrible thing to lose," he added.
Beam Does Not Affect Republicans
    According to the President and recent polls, the only persons it does not effect are Republicans who go to church at least 4 times a month, have annual household income of over $200K and did not go to Yale. There are also some notable exceptions as well: the mindless, the idle minded, the addled and the befuddled. It occasionally will not affect the clueless or 4 non-blonds.

'Bisexual Tree' Given a Kick in the Behind

Bush Relents and Tears Down "Bisexual" Christmas Tree
    Furthering the chaos at the Whitehouse and leading additional weight to the decision to cancel Christmas was the continuing battle over whether the official Whitehouse Christmas Tree is gay or bisexual. "It's a faggot tree I say. That tree started out life straight, then met the dark forces of Satan, turned away from God and is now going straight to Hell, I tell you, straight to Hell," the Right Reverend Immaculati Ani of the Christ Church of the Phillipines screamed. The crowd estimated by Park Service officials at over 25 braved the cold to hear a host of speakers sponsored by the Foundation to Save the Family. "God will strike down this damned tree with lightening just as it does those who turn to the ways of Sadam and Gonorrhea. Turn away, turn away, I say. Look no more upon the damned and the hell bound," said Ted Haggard, head of a Christian megachurch.
No Such Thing as a 'Bisexual Tree
    Christian support groups are upset that their donations to the National Christmas Tree Association were diverted to pay for the bisexual tree. Pointing to a series of photos (A-C, above) that they say proves there claim, the groups from the right want the tree down now. "It's disgusting," said Haggard. "It's worse than what I did." They claim they paid for a 'straight' tree (a), this was switched for a 'bisexual' tree by gay Whitehouse decorators (b) and that it was then decorated in blue and white bulbs (c).
Read Defends Tree's Choice
    "We did nothing of the sort," said Ralph Read head of the tree association. "We are very supportive of all our trees no matter which direction they chose in life. We love them all. This tree was simply struck by lightening at a young age and survived. The two trunks were formed by the bolt spliting the existing trunk in two and the tree then grew up healthy," he added. "There's no such thing as a 'bisexual tree'," he said emphatically. "Those folks have just lost their minds. Hey, maybe that's why that transmogrophize crap machine of Bush's doesn't work on them!"
Better Watch Out
    "I'm telling you, you'd better watch out good people. These gays and fagots are coming in through the back doors of congress. They're hiding as pages, secretaries, IT departments, fund raising, event planning, doing Satan's work, tempting the faithful like DeLay, Ambramoff, Duke Cunningham, Gingrich. They're taking over as chefs poisoning the hearts and even the waist lines of our leaders; acting as florists and decorators enticing many of us, the breeders, to worship false gods with their magnificent creations. If you want proof, just look how they decorated the Christmas Tree. We wanted red and green and they wanted blue and white.
    "They will all go to hell I tell you right now, to suffer the fate and damnation of our good Lord Jesus Christ, Amen, Thank You, Brothers, for their evil and lewd ways. They are worser sinners than I. I will repent. But, O Lord, they will be struck by lightening, bisected and will be burned to death just as this young innocent boy, I mean tree, was corrupted by someone like me," said Haggard.
    When asked for a comment of the controversy, the National LGBST Association issued this response, "We believe that their actions and comments speak for themselves. If anyone can understand them, please let us know. Happy Holidays from all of us"

Other News from Camp David
    In other news, the chef at Camp David nearly died yesterday when he was given the menu for the Christmas dinner. He was overcome and required resuscitation with chicken broth, a light creme sauce and a hint of lemon zest. This was blended for 10 minutes and held under his nose. He was then given Perrier water. Today, though, he was hard at work today preparing the gourmet meal of Turkey with Giblet Gravy, Cornbread Dressing, Mashed Potatoes, Green Beans, Sweet Potato Casserole, Rolls, Ambrosia, and Pumpkin and Pecan Pies. "It's all of George's comfort foods from his mommy." said First Lady Laura Bush. The rest of the staff ate at McDonald's sickened at the thought of eating that for dinner.
US Mexican Border Wall at Standoff
    Meanwhile, the immigration battle has only begun. Attempts to build the wall have floundered as Bob Vila and Norm Abrahm's plan to build a 'Craftsman Style' wall sponsored by Sears was derailed by its buyout of Kmart. WalMart refused to build a wall all along the border citing its current store on Alabama. The Chinese refused to use their wall building skills unless it used eucalyptus trees and had a railroad. Recent attempts to resurrect the moribund political program have met with difficulty in finding a drug free zone along the US Mexican border for the Federal project.