Iraq Study Group Scores 430 on SATs -- Flunks = No War!
Digg This - Slashdot This - Boingboing This - Fark This
Third Attempt Not the Charm
In a huge setback for the administration the Iraq Study Group failed it's most recent attempt to pass their SATs and will not be able to carry out their invasion of Iraq or Iran. Headmaster Lee Hamilton of Sunbeam, Florida presented the findings at a press conference today.
One of the Lowest Scores in History
"Usually we don't release anyone's SAT scores publicly but this group's performance has such profound implications for the country and the world as a whole that we felt compelled to release their most recent results. On the geography section they scored a combined 139 out of 800; on the weather, they scored a 201 out of 800; and on the military judgement, it was 90 out of 800. Their combined total was 430 out of a possible 2400. It is one of the lowest scores ever seen on the SATs," he stated.
Near Levels You Get for Signing Name
Colleague Flames Baker, a former confidant to Bush 41, stated that Brown Rice, Her Rumpsfeld, the Dick Cheney and the Bush ought to hit the books again. "This is the most shameful performance I think I have seen by a group of senior administration officials since the Nixon administration. One of them couldn't find Iraq on the map, one of them thought the USS Ronald Reagan was a library, and another thought a desert dust storm was a dessert created by Daniel Boulud. Can you believe that?" he rhetorically asked the stunned crowd of normally jaundiced and sickened reporters.
Continued below...
"Ms Rice in particular did poorly and deserves singling out for criticism," said Vernors A. Gordan the oldest living panel member. "She's the secretary of state and she thought the middle east was her home state of Alabama for God's sake. And she thought a desert dust storm was a dessert created by Daniel Boulud. I know she's distracted with all her new partners but come on. What the hell did she think she was doing? Jay walking? She needs to get some intelligence," Gordan said.
The Bush Played Risk to Study
As for Bush, he immediately dismissed the test scores as meaningless. "They're better than the ones I got to get into Yale and look where I am now buddy boy. So you can put that in your pipe and smoke it!" he said glaringly. "But Secretary Rice and I stayed up past 9 o'clock several nights after Babs, 
I mean Laura, went to bed and played Risk just to learn the countries of the world. Sometimes for fun we would turn the board over, light up and play Castle Risk for a break. Or we'd turn on Jon Stewart and watch his 'Mess O'Potamia' and learn about the area. He's got a good news show you now. My daughters turned me on to him one night on Fire Island," he continued.
The Dick Cheney Couldn't Get It Up for This Performance
It seems that the Dick Cheney and her Rumpsfeld were limp in this one as well. "The team got a score of 430 overall. That's less than most NCAA college athletes get, especially football players for God's sake! You get 200 in each section just about for spelling your name right. I'm not cutting them any slack. They can't invade any country that they can't find on a map and can't spell correctly," said Hamilton.
| Copyright Paradocs Productions 2007. All Rights Reserved. |
