Bush Delays Iraq Plan 'Til After Holidays
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Administration Claims to Have Secret Plan
An administration that no one believes any more trotted out Presidential spokesperson and former Fox anchorman Tawny Snow to defends its decision to go on holiday without a plan for Iraq's future. "We've got a plan. We've got a plan. We just aren't going to release it now. Look, Rome wasn't built in a day. Napoleon didn't take Russia in a day. Hitler didn't take Paris in a day. Give us some slack for Pete's sake. Shoot!" he exclaimed appearing exasperated with the reporters.
Bush to Call Up 26,000 Troops
Nonetheless, in an apparent further affront to the Commission on Iraq's Status, the Bush administration announced today that they're not only not going to reduce troop levels as the report strongly suggested but that they are actually going to increase the numbers by approximately 26,000. It depends on how many volunteers they can get over the holiday period. The Pentagon has largely used up the Reserves and National Guard units available to it so these will come from the USO, Brownies, Girl and Boy Scout Troops. The administration is going to offer milk, thin mint cookies and merit badges as inducements for the scouts to sign up.
Hamilton/Baker/Simpson Commission Wants Immediate Action
In another poke in the eye, they said that they will delay the release of details of their plans for accomplishing the mission, securing victory and withdrawing from the introitus of Iraq until after the holidays and perhaps until after the NFL championship is decided. "This is just unacceptable," said Homer Simpson (R-Wy), former nuclear engineer and retired senator from Wyoming and perhaps the second oldest living member of the panel. "We're at war! We can't delay now. What do they think? They can't just go taking vacations like Mr. Burns! Am I the only one besides Lisa in Springfield thinking clearly?" he asked.
Hamilton Demands Action
"We need to start training up the Iraqi army now. Some of them are not well trained. Even with the extra 26,000 troops and increasing the number of embedded reporters to 32 per battalion, it will still take a while. 
We'll get better coverage on TV though. No doubt about it," said Hamilton. The trioka will return to Iraq to finish up some contractual matters later this month that remain regarding some oil pipelines that need to be initiated by the Saud family prior to any change in the direction of the war effort.
Tawny Snow Defends Administration Lack of Action
Tawny Snow, presidential spokesperson and former Fox News anchor, said "Look, this is complicated stuff and it is, quite frankly taxing the Presidents brain. It's really hard work, requires thinking, and it's giving him headaches."
"It's taking all he's got just to get through the morning. Some days he works well past noon before working out and then taking his nap. Some days he even has to skip that to meet with Brownie (Brown Rice, Secretary of State) to go over invasion plans for Iran, North Korea, Iraq, Afghanistan, Texas, and Alaska. They're planning to go after any place on earth with oil or barren land or both," he said without equivocating.
Administration Does Have Partial Plan
"But let me get back to something I said earlier. The people who criticize us for not having a plan are just plain wrong. We do have a plan. It's in its early stages. It's complicated and has a lot of parts to it that need to work together; sort of like a what's that thing ...ah...ah...ah, yeah, a Rube Goldberg machine. We're working on some of the details right now. Now will we take a holiday break? Sure. Do we deserve it? Sure. Look, we created a mess in Iraq, one in Afghanistan, started one in North Korea, got Iran to start making nuclular materials and completely forgot about AIDS in Africa. I mean, we have been busy beavers. I can say beavers can't I? I mean there are f**k buddies out there. So it's okay right?" he quietly whispered.
Continued below...
Plan Involves the Space Shuttle, the Russian Space Station Mir, a Comet and Mars
In the long and wide ranging press conference, Snow was asked numerous questions aimed at getting at the details of the partially completed plans that the administration currently has to extirpate the US troops from Iraq. As Snow outlined it, it currently involves the use of the space shuttle, the Russian space station Mir, the Hale Bob comet, and Mars.
Iraq Cleansed of Tearists and Insurgents
According to Snow, the insurgents and tearists in Iraq would be rounded up using cell phones, illegal wiretaps, the border patrol, and the highly incendiary Cindy Sheehan. We might even use the USO. They would be placed into the cargo bay of the space shuttle a few at a time and sent into space where the shuttle would dock with the Russian space station Mir. "We think it's a good 're-positioning of assets'. I mean what the hell else are you going to do with that waste of tax payer's money?" asked Snow. The flights would take up most of the remaining shuttle flights.
Tearists Will Cause Instability
Once they are all there, they will be told to rapidly run from one side and then to the other of the craft. "This will take the space station out of its geosynchronous orbit with earth causing it to wobble, much like a spinning top about to die," said Snow in one of his better metaphors. At precisely the right time, the Hale Bob comet will pass by the now wobbling space station. The magnetic field created by the comet will pull the space station into the comet's tail. This is much like the Heaven's Gate cult's plan.
The comet will take the insurgents and tearists out of the earth's orbit and carry it past Mars. Once there, the gravitational pull of Mars will bring the craft off the tale of the Hale Bob comet and bring it into a new orbit around Mars. 
After a few circles around the red planet, it will fall out of orbit, re-enter into the Mars atmosphere where it will crash land. Any survivors will be buried on the border."
Numerous Problems with Plan
Snow admitted that there were numerous potential problems with the plan, not the least of which is that its essential element -- boarding a comet's tail -- had been tried before and failed. But he said that they are all surmountable issues. He said that the administration intended to use Adidas cross-over shoes this time instead of Nike running shoes, to use a nice lavender color for the clothing instead of the black clothing used before (apparently this scares martians), give them the right fare ($7.62), and wait until the full moon for the operation.
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