Iraq Runs Out of Soylent Green
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Turns to Alternative Methods of Manufacture
The sovereign nation of Iraq has apparently run out of the basic world-wide food staple soylent green and has turned to alternative methods to generate precursor foodstuffs. Both US and international officials reported are becoming increasingly concerned that the government maybe deliberately fomenting sectarian and external agitation to simultaneously decrease demand and increase supply in a so called Swiftian solution. The government of Iraq vigorously denied the charges.
Iraq Claims It Is In A War Started By United States
Prime Minister al-Maliki, speaking to reporters yesterday after he was snubbed by President Bush of the United States, claimed that his country was in the midst of an occupation by the United States and a Civil War started by outside terrorists. Sounding like an embattled and paranoid leader of a third world country, he claimed that contrary to perceptions in the West, his country was actually being occupied by over 130,000 United States troops and that they had virtually taken over his army. "The US goes on every raid my army goes on watching what they do and reporting it to Washington. I'm telling you. We're an occupied country." he said. "The only thing I have left is Muktada al-Sadr's troops. What a rag, tag outfit that is. A bunch of towel headed misfits, I tell you; Jesus Christ!" he continued.
Denies Using War As Swiftian Solution
"That's just gross. To think that any leader of a country would kill consumers and then use them as feed stock is something only a 19th Century Brit would conceive of," he added. Actually, Jonathan Swift did suggest exactly that in the 19th Century. However there's no denying that with the death rate approaching 20,000 Iraqi's per month, production of premium grade Soylent Green has increasing significantly recently and demand has simultaneously dropped easing pressures on market prices that had soared in the Middle East to over 70 per pound of extracted flesh.
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Iraq's Claims Denied
The US also immediately denied Iraq's counter claims. It said that al-Maliki snubbed Bush not the other way around and that al-Maliki invited the US troops into his country for peaceful war games trainings with their troops.
There is No War in Iraq Only Games
Charlton Huston, Pentagon spokesperson also denied that there was any combat going on and said that this was all an internal food production issue for Iraq. "It's unfortunate that Iraq has taken to blaming us for it's problems with Soylent Green production. We offered to help them out with precursor production but they have refused citing concerns over the possibility of US led culling of certain towel headed populations," Huston said. Huston denied that it would occur although he did admit that the Pentagon could not assure that the troops would not try to sterilize some areas that appeared really dirty.
Soylent Green is a Delicacy
Soylent Green is made from processed and rendered ---------CENSORED--------------- flesh that is reformulated with vitamins and packed as cubes for human consumption. Each cube is 135 calories. It is a delicacy in many parts of the world but has been link to the mysterious brain disease Jakob Creuztfeld.
Get the movie Soylent Green starring Charlton Heston, Edgar G Robinson and Leigh Young-Taylor here.
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