Bolton Throws in the Pick; Joins Boy Band
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Sittin' By the Dock of the Bay
In one of the most stunning and simultaneously eagarly awaited moves of the Fall "coming out" season, John Bolton, Ambassador of the United States to the United Nations and former Undersecretary of State, announced today that he is leaving his current post two years early to join his other two fraternal triplets in a new boy band called the "MJJ's".
No Deformities at Birth -- Paternity Unchallenged
The whole issue of how a mother could give birth to Michael Bolton and then John and Joshua at the same time remains a Weekly World News mystery in the Bolton household. The mother vehemently denies drug or steroid use and categorically denies having engaged in anal sex. She never watched TV, read books or studied higher mathematics. She rarely went out at night and when she did, she was always accompanied by two men other than her husband. At the time of the birth, the boys appeared normal and were not conjoined at the hip or the head. The paternity of the three boys was never challenged as the boys "sort of" looked alike. But there is no doubt that something went very, very terribly wrong during that pregnancy. Rosemary. Michael is accomplished.
Bolton Will Join Talented Brother Michael Bolton
John Bolton's decision to leave was apparently made easier by the offer of his multi-talented older brother (who incidentally appears younger than his stated age) Michael to front him some money for a new hair style and a shave. He also offered to let Michael Jackson or Kenny G do his voice overs on the albums. Michael Bolton, unlike his useless triplet John, is an accomplished artist and has sold 53 million albums, had eight top ten albums, had nine number one singles on the Billboard charts, and has awards from both the American Music Awards and the Grammys.
JB Grumpy Old Man
John Bolton, on the other hand, is...well...largely just a grumpy old man who is a career civil servant. "I had to do something for my brother. He was just become so stultifying there at the UN. Everyone was complaining about his behavior. Status harumficus. Even Carol Channing called Shirley up on one of the local channels to tell me what a bitch he was becoming. God, you'd of thought he was a queen or something. Oh, my Gawd!" said Michael, his left earing briefly catching the glint of the morning sun.
Continued below...
Leaving Long Expected
Bolton's leaving has long been expected but the timing and circumstances were not. Inside the beltway, speculation has been rampant that Bolton is a double XX without the L. Recent changes in his demeanor and outbursts have been attributed to hormonal fluctuations. Last week at the UN he called a fellow unicoid ambassador from halfstanistan a "f***ing queer a**hole dike fa**ot". He refused to apologize even when it was pointed out that it was not even anatomically possible.
Changes are Obvious
Bolton has taken to wearing stylus clothes. When interviewed, Bolton was wearing a fine toothed light blue and white threaded seer-sucker suit with a pink silk bow tie. This was offset by dark navy 300 thread cout Egyptian cotton socks, a dark navy Gucci belt and a stunning 1 carat diamond earing.I was so jealous. Last year he'd of been dressed in cotton chino pants and a blue blaser. I mean yuk! In any case, you go Boy and welcome to the Band.
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