Bagdad(PA) Family Claims He Was Victim of Overdose
    Preliminary autopsy results on Saddam Hussein's body were released today by the Iraqi Ministry of Information in Bagdad. Those results suggest that Saddam died from a prolonged erection lasting more than 4 hours for which he did not get immediate medical attention. It does not support the US's claim that he died from a break in his neck from a fall. According to Rachman Pusti the Head of the Ministry, "Mr. Hussein seems to have suffered the fall or was pushed after he had the erectile dysfunction. This makes it unlikely that he died from his recent 'fall'."
Erectile Dysfunction Had Been Longstanding
    According to family and relatives, it was widely known through out Iraq that Hussein had erectile dysfunction. It started after he had his testicles removed for cancer many yerars ago. "He was a chronic user of Viagra and would not have done this. He was very knowledgeable," an acquaintance who has intimate knowledge of the details told Fox News. According to US authorities, he also had high blood pressure, took nitrates as needed for angina and occasionally used alcohol. In the US prison, only his medications would be allowed of course.
Deliberate Act to Kill Him
    "We think that someone deliberately increased his dose of Viagra knowing it would cause an increased blood flow to the pelvic region, This would lower his blood pressure to very dangerous levels. When he had an erection lasting for more than 4 hours, the other prisoners tried to help but were unable. He called the guards but of course no one could come. He must have gotten up, fallen, and broken his neck as he fell and caught his head on the rope. That is the only plausible explanation for his death. He was deliberately murdered by the infidels who held him prisoner," she said.

 

Continued below...

Autopsy Evidence Supports Families' View
    According to Pushti, little blue things were found in his stomach as well as fragments of a blood pressure pill and the nitrates. "This could have been Viagra. If it was, it is a deadly combination," he said, "as it often causes priapism (an enlarged penis) that may require surgery if suction does not work." In addition to being a pathologist, Pushti is also the Head of the Urological Program at the University of Iraq in Bagdad.
Blow Came Later
    Pushti says the time of death was shortly before 6 AM local time which is about 10 hours after his erection would have started. "This would have drained virtually all the blood out of his head so the the minor break in his neck became immaterial," he added.
US Response: Nonsense
    Speaking on behalf of Centcom, and in a Fox News exclusive, Col. Abbu Abbu Aldid said that this whole scenario was 'preposterous'. "First of all, we would never want to kill him. Second of all, our pathologists found an erection but they believe it probably occurred after his fall. Finally, they think he was alive when he caught his neck on the rope and then broke it," he emphatically said.
    In any case, the fun in Iraq seems to be unabated as the attacks continued and the 3000th brave and beloved soldier of the US military died today.

Copyright Paradocs Productions 2007. All Rights Reserved.

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Two Days Late and a Juan Shorted?
   In what seems to be the metaphor for this administration, the Whitehouse today, December 27th, canceled Christmas for this year and immediately raised the terrorist alert status to red, its highest level. We've got a Chinese national in a red suit flying over US airspace trying to make contact with little children.
    "It's one of the worst scenarios imagined by the CIA and State Department. We've been unable to reach the Chinese government to revoke his visa and we've been unable to locate him even though he entered US airspace two days ago. If anyone sees him he is dressed in a red costume, riding in a sleigh pulled by reindeer. He's been harder to find than a bear in the woods in winter," said Whitehouse spokesperson and former FOX news anchor Tawny Snow in an Exclusive Fox News Alert two hours ago.
US Needs Walls Cries O'Really?
    Fox pundit Bill O'Really? said that this proves that a wall is needed along the US Mexican border to keep foreigners out. "Laws like the ones they just passed in Hazelton, PA. are not enough," he reiterated. Hazelton earlier this week became the subject of widespread ridicule as it tried unsuccessfully to ban Santa Clause's entry into US airspace by labeling him an illegal foreign worker and a child predator. While the administration backed the effort quietly, it also sought to find a legal way to allow the new, Chinese made Santa to enter the US in time for Christmas.
Olympics Not in North Pole This Year
   The North Pole lost out in it's bid to host Santa Clause this year when it was discovered that its reindeer meat was rendered with fecal e,coli contamination. Melting of the polar ice caps has made the North Pole a veritable garden spot in recent Summers.

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Administration Claims to Have Secret Plan
    An administration that no one believes any more trotted out Presidential spokesperson and former Fox anchorman Tawny Snow to defends its decision to go on holiday without a plan for Iraq's future. "We've got a plan. We've got a plan. We just aren't going to release it now. Look, Rome wasn't built in a day. Napoleon didn't take Russia in a day. Hitler didn't take Paris in a day. Give us some slack for Pete's sake. Shoot!" he exclaimed appearing exasperated with the reporters.
Bush to Call Up 26,00 Troops
    Nonetheless, in an apparent further affront to the Commission on Iraq's Status, the Bush administration announced today that they're not only not going to reduce troop levels as the report strongly suggested but that they are actually going to increase the numbers by approximately 26,000. It depends on how many volunteers they can get over the holiday period. The Pentagon has largely used up the Reserves and National Guard units available to it so these will come from the USO, Brownies, Girl and Boy Scout Troops. The administration is going to offer milk, thin mint cookies and merit badges as inducements for the scouts to sign up.
Hamilton/Baker/Simpson Commission Wants Immediate Action
    In another poke in the eye, they said that they will delay the release of details of their plans for accomplishing the mission, securing victory and withdrawing from the introitus of Iraq until after the holidays and perhaps until after the NFL championship is decided. "This is just unacceptable," said Homer Simpson (R-Wy), former nuclear engineer and retired senator from Wyoming and perhaps the second oldest living member of the panel. "We're at war! We can't delay now. What do they think? They can't just go taking vacations like Mr. Burns! Am I the only one besides Lisa in Springfield thinking clearly?" he asked.
Hamilton Demands Action
    "We need to start training up the Iraqi army now. Some of them are not well trained. Even with the extra 26,000 troops and increasing the number of embedded reporters to 32 per battalion, it will still take a while. We'll get better coverage on TV though. No doubt about it," said Hamilton. The trioka will return to Iraq to finish up some contractual matters later this month that remain regarding some oil pipelines that need to be initiated by the Saud family prior to any change in the direction of the war effort.
Tawny Snow Defends Administration Lack of Action
    Tawny Snow, presidential spokesperson and former Fox News anchor, said "Look, this is complicated stuff and it is, quite frankly taxing the Presidents brain. It's really hard work, requires thinking, and it's giving him headaches."
    "It's taking all he's got just to get through the morning. Some days he works well past noon before working out and then taking his nap. Some days he even has to skip that to meet with Brownie (Brown Rice, Secretary of State) to go over invasion plans for Iran, North Korea, Iraq, Afghanistan, Texas, and Alaska. They're planning to go after any place on earth with oil or barren land or both," he said without equivocating.
Administration Does Have Partial Plan
    "But let me get back to something I said earlier. The people who criticize us for not having a plan are just plain wrong. We do have a plan. It's in its early stages. It's complicated and has a lot of parts to it that need to work together; sort of like a what's that thing ...ah...ah...ah, yeah, a Rube Goldberg machine. We're working on some of the details right now. Now will we take a holiday break? Sure. Do we deserve it? Sure. Look, we created a mess in Iraq, one in Afghanistan, started one in North Korea, got Iran to start making nuclular materials and completely forgot about AIDS in Africa. I mean, we have been busy beavers. I can say beavers can't I? I mean there are f**k buddies out there. So it's okay right?" he quietly whispered.

There's More. Click here. "Bush Delays Iraq Plan 'Til After Holidays" »

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Third Attempt Not the Charm
   In a huge setback for the administration the Iraq Study Group failed it's most recent attempt to pass their SATs and will not be able to carry out their invasion of Iraq or Iran. Headmaster Lee Hamilton of Sunbeam, Florida presented the findings at a press conference today.
One of the Lowest Scores in History
    "Usually we don't release anyone's SAT scores publicly but this group's performance has such profound implications for the country and the world as a whole that we felt compelled to release their most recent results. On the geography section they scored a combined 139 out of 800. On the weather, they scored a 201 out of 800, and on the military judgement, it was 90 out of 800. THeir combined total was 430 out of a possible 2400. It is one of the lowest scores ever seen on the SATs ever," he stated.
Near Levels You Get for Signing Name
    Colleague Flames Baker, a former confidant to Bush 41, stated that Brown Rice, Her Rumpsfeld, the Dick Cheney and the Bush ought to hit the books again. "This is the most shameful performance I have ever seen by a group of senior administration officials since the Nixon group. One of them couldn't find Iraq on the map, one of them thought the USS Ronald Reagan was a library, and another thought a desert dust storm was created by Daniel Boulud. Can you believe that?" he rhetorically asked the stunned crowd of normally jaundiced and sickened reporters.

There's More. Click here. "Iraq Study Group Scores 430 on SATs -- Flunks = No War!" »

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Sittin' By the Dock of the Bay
    In one of the most stunning and simultaneously eagarly awaited moves of the Fall "coming out" season, John Bolton, Ambassador of the United States to the United Nations and former Undersecretary of State, announced today that he is leaving his current post two years early to join his other two fraternal triplets in a new boy band called the "MJJ's".
No Deformities at Birth -- Paternity Unchallenged
    The whole issue of how a mother could give birth to Michael Bolton and then John and Joshua at the same time remains a Weekly World News mystery in the Bolton household. The mother vehemently denies drug or steroid use and categorically denies having engaged in anal sex. She never watched TV, read books or studied higher mathematics. She rarely went out at night and when she did, she was always accompanied by two men other than her husband. At the time of the birth, the boys appeared normal and were not conjoined at the hip or the head. The paternity of the three boys was never challenged as the boys "sort of" looked alike. But there is no doubt that something went very, very terribly wrong during that pregnancy. Rosemary. Michael is accomplished.
Bolton Will Join Talented Brother Michael Bolton
     John Bolton's decision to leave was apparently made easier by the offer of his multi-talented older brother (who incidentally appears younger than his stated age) Michael to front him some money for a new hair style and a shave. He also offered to let Michael Jackson or Kenny G do his voice overs on the albums. Michael Bolton, unlike his useless triplet John, is an accomplished artist and has sold 53 million albums, had eight top ten albums, had nine number one singles on the Billboard charts, and has awards from both the American Music Awards and the Grammys.
JB Grumpy Old Man
    John Bolton, on the other hand, is...well...largely just a grumpy old man who is a career civil servant. "I had to do something for my brother. He was just become so stultifying there at the UN. Everyone was complaining about his behavior. Status harumficus. Even Carol Channing called Shirley up on one of the local channels to tell me what a bitch he was becoming. God, you'd of thought he was a queen or something. Oh, my Gawd!" said Michael, his left earing briefly catching the glint of the morning sun.

There's More. Click here. "Bolton Throws in the Pick; Joins Boy Band" »

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Over Rules Top Advisors
     Brainfleas has learned today from secret sources close to the President that he plans to order within days an invasion of Iraq. This invasion comes over the advice of his most senior advisors who recommended that he invade the other country in the region spelled Iran not Iraq. Believing that the President has confused the two, they have been desperately calling for immediate top level meetings with the Dick Chenet and Her Rumpsfeld. However neither seem to be available.
"Hunting" in Maryland
    According to these same sources, both the Dick Cheney and Her Rumpsfeld are currently holed up "hunting" on Cheney's farm on Coastal Maryland shooting near dead and helpless birds and are unreachable. This leaves the Bush on his own.

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Turns to Alternative Methods of Manufacture
    The sovereign nation of Iraq has apparently run out of the basic world-wide food staple soylent green and has turned to alternative methods to generate precursor foodstuffs. Both US and international officials reported are becoming increasingly concerned that the government maybe deliberately fomenting sectarian and external agitation to simultaneously decrease demand and increase supply in a so called Swiftian solution. The government of Iraq vigorously denied the charges.
Iraq Claims It Is In A War Started By United States
     Prime Minister al-Maliki, speaking to reporters yesterday after he was snubbed by President Bush of the United States, claimed that contrary to prevailing western views his country was in the midst of an occupation by the United States and a Civil War started by outside terrorists. Sounding like an embattled and paranoid leader of a third world country, he claimed that his country was actually being occupied by over 130,000 United States troops and that they had virtually taken over his army."The US goes on every raid my army goes on watching what they do and reporting it to Washington. I'm telling you. We're an occupied country." he said. "The only thing I have left is Muktada al-Sadr's troops. What a rag tag outfit that is. Towel headed misfits, I tell you; Jesus Christ!" he continued.

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