Hastert Gets Foley
    Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert may be in the biggest trouble as evidence has surfaced that he has been hiding his obstruction for years. "Look, it's not something that a man likes to talk about in public. This a very private matter between me and my urologist," he added. Speaker Hastert has apparently been suffering from urinary obstruction and overflow incontinence for years. He occassionally has needed the seervices of a Foley.

Foley Turning the Pages
    Tom Foley for his part denies having anything to do with the Speaker. "I was more interested in the House pages than an old geezer. Who would want to service him?" he asked. Both men face criminal charges for obstruction. Once again, the cover up appears to be worse than the crime.

Michael Haggard Out  
    Officials of the Life Church of Christ the Strong admitted today that they dismissed the Reverand Michael Haggard because of reports that he had a longstanding homosexual relationship with a Denver man. Haggard has been a staunch opponent of the "gay" lifestyle and "gay" marriage.
    Haggard was outed after he refused to pay room and meal charges resulting from an eight hour drug laced liason with the man. "He can't just walk out on me. I mean I have standards. When I give a man a massage and crystal meth, I expected to be treated in return," he said. The man denied that he was a prostitute. The Reverand maintained that he did not have "sex with that man."

k.d. lang Replaces Haggard
    Church officials immediately replaced Haggard with the singer songwriter k.d. lang. We just love the way he sings. "His recording of Hallelujah on the CD 'Hymns from the 49th Parallel' just sold us immediately," said a ranking elder. "And his album on that Cowgirls thing was great," he added. "We think he will fit right in here in Colorado Springs with its traditional family values and cowboy way of life." Some elders admitted some squeamishness about taking someone just for their voice but did admit this was the era of entertainment. Others were concerned that he looks too boyish.