Most Excellent Adventures
    Two travelers reported that the 9 year trip was a "most excellent adventure." William S. Preston Esquire and Theodore Logan from San Dimas California reported that they thought it was "unbelievably awesome." "The sh*t we got to do was crazy. And like it was nothing like life in San Dimas. It was way better than the water park. It was cool. And we got to change clothes. Like we traded our black and white Nike's for shoes that were fire resistant. I mean like the comet tail was burning up my shoes man. And like the food was great, especially when you had the munchies. It was the best trip ever." William S. Preston Esquire agreed. "Totally awesome dude."

Mission Changed
     And what a trip it was. The original intent of the mission was to get on the UFO traveling behind the Hale Bob comet and then go out in outer space as the comet traveled in its orbit. They would travel to Atlantis, see the Stargate, orbit around Perseus Omicron and then rendevous with the Starship Enterprise. After meeting with Picard and Janeway, they were to return to Earth to meet with President Bush. He was a big supporter of the Heaven's Gate group.
     However, when the travelers got on the UFO, they found that things were very different from what they had imagined. Apparently the Wal-Mart tour operator had lied. First off, the black and white Nike shoes they bought on sale from Wal-Mart proved useless. The comet trail was so hot that the shoes provided no protection. So the group exchanged their shoes for steel toed Doc Martens made from lost space shuttle tiles that were floating around in space. They had the necessary insulation.

Jump Suits Changed Colors
    Similarly the black shirts and pants changed from black to a flaming red color in the heat. This was without washing! While funny, this was not an obstacle to their mission as they did not burn.

Food Sucked
    The Heaven's Gate group also complained about the food. All they had was phenobarbital mixed with vodka or Koolaid. "Koolaid, Koolaid, Koolaid," a distressed participant said. "You'd of thought we were in Jonestown of something."

No Cheap Seats
    Finally, it cost more than the $5.00 originally quoted. "I don't know what those crazies were thinking. Does any sane person think they can travel through deep space for $5.00? Hell an E ticket at Disneyland on Space Mountain costs more than that," said the spokesperson for Heaven's Gate Expeditions. "Apparently no one has watched Stargate SG-1." Fortunately for all, someone brought along a black American Express Card and charged the group's expenses on it.

Trip Cut Short
    The trip was cut short because of money problems. The original intent was to go into deep space. But with limited money, the group decided instead to focus on more realistic goals such as the search for extraterrestial life. Using very deep space listening devices called radio telescopes, the group tried to get signals from space. Instead they kept picking up calls within the United States. "We heard everything: sex, love affairs, marriages on the rocks, embezzlement, bribery of government officials, Cheney purchasing ammunition, I mean everything," said Marshall Applegate.

Whitehouse Buys Data
    A quick call to the Whitehouse confirmed that they would be interested in all these warrantless wiretaps. According to Cheney, Americans do not have protection from monitoring from space. A marriage of convenience was made and the monitoring started. This supplemented the information from the CIA, the Catholic Intelligence Agency, a faith based intelligence organization that was involved in earlier intelligence failures.

Bush Listens to Extraterrestials
     The Whitehouse immediately denied that Bush was listening to extraterrestials for advice. According to Whitehouse spokesperson Tawny Snow, these people were originally on earth as members of the Heaven's Gate cult. They went into space on a UFO behind a comet. Now they're communicating with us. According to Snow that means they are not extraterrestials. "It's not like Nancy Reagan's tarot cards or nothing. We don't plan wars based on the phases of the moon or something," he said.