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June 19, 2006

Cheney Reaffirms: Iraqi Insurgents in "Last Throws" Again

Insurgency in "Last Throes"
Iraqi Insurgents in a "Last Throws" Offensive Hit a U.S. Humvee
 
Coming Home Soon
    Riding a wave of popular support for his performance in Operation Iraqi Freedom, Vice-President Cheney reaffirmed that the insurgency is its "last throws." With polls showing that his approval rating has reached double digits, Cheney, speaking to John King on CNN said "in fact we're making very significant progress. There's no doubt in my mind that we're going to win. We will prevail in Iraq. We will prevail in Afghanistan. And I think the evidence is there for anybody who wants to look at it."
 
Got'em on the Run
     President Bush, for his part, also remains up beat. With Zarqawi killed, he predicted a quick end to the insurgency. However, the data shows that the number of attacks on civilians or the military has not changed in over the last 3 years. Cheney clarified; "what I meant was that their pitching arms were going to wear out. They can't keep chucking those explosive devices at us all the time. It's like a pitcher who goes over the 100 pitch count. Sooner or later his arm is going to give out."
 
Insurgents Using Left Hand to Throw
    There is evidence to support Cheney's assertion. According to him, top secret CIA documents that were leaked to the press yesterday by the President show that the number of insurgents using their left hands to throw explosive devices at U.S. troops has increased five fold. "This is proof positive that our strategy is working. We've been deliberately making our soldiers targets so that the insurgents will tire out their arms throwing bombs at us. We don't think their just recruiting left handed insurgents," Cheney added.

When Will the Troops Come Home
     Asked by John King of CNN when our soldiers will be coming home, Cheney remarked "soon, One of the criteria for our troops to come home is when all the insurgents have shoulder problems. The more rotator cuff injuries we see, the better. It's not like there's a plethora of hospitals around Iraq where they can get the surgery they need to repair these injuries. Halliburden has failed to build them. It's all part of our grand scheme call 'Operation Victory'. We've really turned things around. Now we're going to try and win and Halliburden is going to try and live up to its contracts. It's going to be llike the L.A. Clippers. You'll see," Cheney reiterated.

Insurgents in "Last Throws" Kill Hundreds
     Since that statement was made, four Russian diplomats have been siezed, 25 Iraqis were executed gangland style out side Mosul, anorther 9 were seriously wounded in Basra, and 12 U.S soldiers have been kill including two in a "barbaric manner". It is estimated that over 100 Iraqi civilians have been killed in the unrelenting violence.

 

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June 18, 2006

Zarqawi Killed: Al Queda in Iraq in Disarray Says Bush

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Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi Killed
Hot on the heals of the killing of Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, President Bush announced that "we got'em on the run. They're confused. We're goin' to round 'em up and stamp them out once and for all."

New Offensive Will Win the War
The adminstration said that a new joint offensive between Iraqi and US troops called Operation Victory was launched today. Presidential spokesperson and former Foxx anchorman Tawny Snow said that this latest push by our troops was designed to win the war. Previously Rumsfeld was in charge.

There's More. Click here. "Zarqawi Killed: Al Queda in Iraq in Disarray Says Bush" »

June 13, 2006

Bush Pays Surprise Visit to Iran

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In a bold move that surprised everyone, President Bush paid a visit to Tehran, the capitol of Iran. The visit, under the tightest of security, was planned so that Bush would arrive in the early morning hours at Tehran Airport. Not even Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran knew Bush was coming.

Iranians Caught Off Guard
"It scared the shit out of us," Ahmadinejad said. "We thought they were invading us. They had all these planes and drones and security people. Had we known that Bush was coming we would have stopped enriching uranium or something. As it was, we didn't even have breakfast rolls."

Bush Too Seemed Confused
For his part, Bush also seemed genuinely surprised. "Jeez, for all the bombing we did and the war going on, this place looks great. I never in my wildest imagination expected this. Everybody keeps telling me what a mess this place is what with all the car bombings and crap but this place looks great. We are really making progress. This is really the untold story of the war."

There's More. Click here. "Bush Pays Surprise Visit to Iran" »

June 12, 2006

Late Openings for Summer Camp in Cuba

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The US Government announced today the sudden availability of three spots in their popular Summer Camp in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. This highly sought after vacation spot features pristine beaches, blue skies and near total isolation.

Sudden Cancellations
Guantanamo is the only place in Cuba that Americans can officially go to. The 2006 Summer Camp opportunities came available when three long time residents of Guantanamo unexpectedly notified the Camp owners that they would not be renewing their leases. No further information was provided. Continued...

There's More. Click here. "Late Openings for Summer Camp in Cuba" »

June 7, 2006

Rice Announces New Partner

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Vociferously denying that she is a lipstick lesbian, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice today announced that she has a new partner. Dressed in a beautiful lemon chiffon linen suit and coiffed in a divine new hair style, she told reporters in Washington that her new partner was a career diplomat and not a "new partner".

Rumors Abound
Over the last several months, rumors have circulated throughout the Capitol that Ms. Rice, a single never married female, had a "new partner". "I've come to tell you that they are just that -- idle gossip by the Washington press corp and nothing more. The last thing I would do is hurt my President by carrying on in an unseemly manner." Continued...

There's More. Click here. "Rice Announces New Partner" »

June 6, 2006

Dumbo Makes A Reappearance

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On June 6th Walt Disney Studios released "The Big Top Edition" of their masterpiece Dumbo. This loveable story is about a stork who delivers a baby elephant to Mrs Jumbo, a veteran of the circus, with truly enormous ears. The newborn is subjected to merciless ridicule because of his ears and is dubbed "Dumbo". Dumbo is relegated to the circus' clown acts; it is up to his only friend, a mouse, to assist Dumbo to achieve his full potential. Continued...

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June 5, 2006

Bush Backs Banns on Gay Marriage

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Speaking in front of a largely sympathetic crowd of Christian fundamentalists, Bush announced today that he is in favor of a constitutional amendment requiring banns on gay marriages. "We need to protect the sanctity of marriage and if this legislation will accomplish that task, I am all for it," he said at the Robert Welch, Jr. University in Selma, Alabama. "Laura and I had banns when we were getting married and I think they should apply to everyone. Banns on gay marriage are good for the country. It's a matter of equal justice," he added.

There's More. Click here. "Bush Backs Banns on Gay Marriage" »

June 4, 2006

Fox Announces It Will Broadcast Reality

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    Moveover American Idle. Here comes 'Reality'. In a stunning move that left rival broadcasters speechless, Fox announced that it will begin broadasting reality shows 24 hours a day. After watching its ratings drop with the popularity of President Bush, officials at Fox decided a change was necessary.Fox's Dropping Ratings   "We can't delude ourselves into thinking we're doing a good job," said Peter Chernobyl. "People are voting with their feet or more correctly their channel changers. With Tawny [Snow] going over to the Whitehouse, we just thought it was a good time for a makeover. Think of it as an 'extreme makeover'," he...

There's More. Click here. "Fox Announces It Will Broadcast Reality" »

June 1, 2006

NSA Wiretaps Yield Gibberish

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    General Hayden, after speaking at his Senate confirmation hearings today, revealed for the first time, exclusively to FOXX, that the massive NSA wiretap and listening program on Americans is largely a failure. Hayden said the program, designed to watch all telephone and internet traffic has proved problematic when it comes to languages.Blockbuster Testimony    In testimony before the Senate Hayden acknowledged that the program developed while he was at the NSA can not distinguish between spanish and the english spoken in some parts of the United States. "Quite frankly, when we're listening in on conversations from some parts of...

There's More. Click here. "NSA Wiretaps Yield Gibberish" »