Catholic Church Admits Huge "Misunderstanding"
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The Catholic Church announced today that they may have perpetrated one of the biggest "misunderstandings" in history. The US Conference of Bishops reported the results of a day long investigation into the missing or starving children of Biafra. "We checked and they don't exist," said the Monsignor. "There must have been a mix up somewhere along the way. We think it may have occured in 1970 when Biafra disappeared," he added. "We're pretty sure that there were starving children before that. At least we've been able to confirm that there was country in Africa called Biafra from 1967 through 1970. Everything else is a bit sketchy," he continued.
One of the long held tenets of the Catholic Church was the presence of starving children in Biafra. In the late 1960's millions of school aged children were taught to eat all their food because "there were starving children in Africa." It is not clear when this practice ended as the Catholic elementary schools still collect money in "rice bowls" at Lent.
"I am outraged," said Mary McGuire. "They took all my pennies, nickels and dimes to help these starving children and now you're telling me that Biafra doesn't exist? I think they need to go to confession. No better yet, the whole outfit needs to go to confession," McGuire insisted. "This is disgusting. What a fraud."
Confession is a process whereby Catholics tell a priest what they've done that is bad and he tells them they are okay. It was one of the first recorded practices of transactional analysis psychotherapy. The practice dates to the middle ages just before the Age of Enlightenment and shortly after the Age of Reason. It continues to this day.
Michael O'Flaherty, head of the Biafra Survivors network (BS), plans to launch a class action suit asking for a return of the leftovers from the donated food over the years. BS is also asking for a return of the empty rice bowls and retribution for all those who were misled by the church into thinking there were still starving children in Biafra. "They should have told us the country disappeared in 1970. The some of us could have at least gotten closure. As it is, I still eat everything on my plate and suffer from obesity," O'Flaherty said. "I'm afraid even to leave beer in a pitcher."
Milberg Weiss Bershad & Schulman LLP, currently under Federal indictment for bribery and fraud, is representing the plaintiffs. "These folks have been emotionally damaged. Since early childhood they have been taught to be a member of the clean plate club because there were starving children in Biafra. This has led to obesity, heart disease and diabetes. The toll has been enormous to say nothing of their disillusionment with their church. I'm not sure they can ever be faithful again," said a spokeperson for the firm.
"We're going to hold the Catholic Church responsible for all the ills of society. They have inflicted an enormous emotional trauma on the nation. It is equal to the time when we found out there were no weapons of mass destruction. We all felt so betrayed then and now, " she continued.
Biafra was a small country in Africa that occupied the Nigerian delta from 1967 to 1970. Oil was discovered under the country in 1970. The Catholic Church is a large institution with extensive art and real estate holdings.
Separately, FOXX News has dispatched Giraldo Riviera to look for the missing children of Biafra. A special news docudrama staring Riviera will air next week on FOXX. It is timed to air during the summer "sweeps".
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