Bush Lacked Intelligence
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Last night, in a speech carried exclusively on FOXX, President Bush apologized to the nation for being misled about the presence of starving children in Biafra. The program was a major foreign policy objective for the past week and has now become an embarassment for his administration.
"We just lacked intelligence," said President Bush. "But we weren't the only ones. The Catholic Church also thought that there were still starving children in Biafra. We all had the same intelligence. It was just a failure of intelligence. I didn't get intelligence. I didn't know that after oil was discovered they got rid of Biafra," continued Bush.
Liberal Democrats immediately charged the administration with incompetence. "First they claimed they went into Iraq on faulty intelligence--now this fiasco," chortled a Kennedy. Two years ago after an extensive review, the 9/11 commision skewered the intelligence services for multiple failures resulting in flawed decision making by adminiistration officials. "We revised the intelligence services, gave up huge portions of our civil liberties, appointed a new director of the CIA, NSA and DIA but nothing has changed. What is going on here?" asked a Kennedy.
Last week in a major foreign policy address before the Restaurant Association in Chicago Bush had unveiled what he called the "cornerstone of our new foreign affairs." Referring to the missing and starving children of Biafra as a travesty, Bush said that his administration would do all the was necessary to make sure they were fed.
Yesterday, the Catholic Church admitted that it misled millions of school aged children for decades into thinking there were starving children. They admitted that Biafra was eliminated as a country in 1970 shortly after oil was discovered in Biafra by US oil companies. The Catholic Church continued to collect monies and tell school children not to waste food. As a result, the "clean your plate" campaign has led to high rates of obesity, diabetes and accelerated heart disease. Plaintiffs attorneys have filed class action suits in three states and are soliciting plaintiffs.
Senator Diane Finesteen (D-CA), a member of the Senate Intelligence Committee blasted the administration over its latest failure. "This is what they get for 'outsourcing' our intelligence gathering operations to a 'faith based' group," she noted. "We need people with intelligence and the President doesn't have it. What next? Are they going to spy on people in the confessionals?" she added. "The idea that the CIA would 'outsource' foreign intelligence to the Catholic Church is unbelievable. It is the Central Intelligence agency not the Catholic Intelligence Agency," she fumed.
Senator Lincoln was more circumspect. "I think they do a fine job. They been 'listening in' on people for years. They're experts at it. I don't see any problems with a faith-based intelligence agency," he added.
Nonetheless, this is clearly an embarassment for the administration. Presidential spokesperson and former FOXX news anchor Tawny Snow said "The president has appointed a commission to find out why he lacked intelligence. We promise to do better the next time. Clearly getting Iraq and now Biafra wrong is a problem for us," he droned.
FOXX News Special Airs Tonight
Although the mystery has been solved, FOXX News announced that its primetime special by Giraldo Riviera on the missing and starving children of Biafra will go on as Mr. Riviera has exclusive interviews with some of the victims. One was apparently found in a vault. It is scheduled for 8PM Eastern, 7PM Central exclusively on the FOXX Network.
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