BrainFleas

Cheney and Obama are distant cousins: Mrs. Cheney

2007-10-16T23:49:39Z

Lynn Cheney, speaking on MSNBC today, revealed a long hidden fact: her husband Dick and Barack Obama are distant cousins: one eighth to be exact! Mrs. Cheney says they have tried to keep this from the press but an anonymous source in the White House leaked the story.

For her part, she said that they had not had relations with Kevin Bacon even though Dick looks more like he then Barack Obama.

Obama replied that only Mrs. Cheney would find this remarkable. "Doesn't she know that we are all only six (6) steps away from Kevin Bacon? Do the math girl. That means at most we would be one 12th cousins! One eighth is nothing."

]]> Republican operatives immediately denied that Cheney and Obama had relations. Kevin Bacon also denied all knowledge of having a relationship with Cheney. "That would be creepy weird," said Bacon. He did admit to a relationship with Obama though.

Recently Obama has had to fight off persistent rumors that he is Hussein. "I am not. And even if I was, I would be proud of it." Now comes news of a relationship with Cheney. It is unclear the direction his staff will take or if a response from the campaign will be forth coming.

Cheney and Obama are distant cousins: Mrs. Cheney | Reuters"

Irish Priest Admits Giving Nuns Steroids

2007-09-23T02:30:12Z

Just Trying to Keep Them From Wasting
Father Aloysius Patrick MacGilacutty III of County Cork admitted to authorities today that he was the source of the anabolic steroids found with the Anglican nuns in Mogadishu. The nuns were in the Horn of Africa trying to convert large herds of Muslims in the last virgin region in Africa. Their efforts were rebuffed however by the Greek and Eastern Orthodox tribes of nuns. Ultimately, the Greek Orthodox nuns prevailed in the Risk game using an unorthodox rear guard action.
Father MacGilacutty denied providing the steroids for use as performance enhancing drugs. Instead, he claimed that he gave the steroids to prevent the nuns from wasting in the African desert. "Look, they were out there fighting the good fight, crusading for God and church and I just thought that they would need something to keep from wasting. I mean came you imagine what a wasted nun would look like?" he asked rhetorically.

]]> Steroids Not the Nuns'
All sects of nuns denied that they used the steroids that were found during a routine search of the winner's quarters. "I got enough problems with men hitting on me back home. The last thing I want to do is get more buffed, " said Sister Frère Jacques leader of the Anglican tribe. She says that she lifts 3-4 times a week and can bench press her weight.

Maybe Linked to Betting Ring
Authorities suggested that Father MacGilacutty III maybe part of the betting ring that was broken up last month shortly after the risk game finished. The large ring involved priests, tavern owners, bookies and same day check cashing services. Scotland Yard said that the priest was probably providing the anabolic steroids to give one tribe of nuns an advantage and then using that knowledge in placing winning bets.
MI5 continues to work the link between the activities of the nuns in the Horn of Africa and CIA activities in the same area. The CIA is now run by the American Catholics as they were awarded the contract as part of President Bush's faith based initiatives. "They're good at listenin'," said Bush.

Iraq Study Groups Fails Midterms, Drops Out of Continuation High School

2007-09-23T00:30:12Z

Geography Exam Final Straw
The Iraq Study Group, set up by President George Bush to advise him of options dealing with Iraq, has flunked out of school. "We did not flunk out, we merely withdrew," said Richard Pearle a leading hawk on starting the Iraq War. "Besides, what if we did flunk out? It doesn't mean we can't still give advice to the President. We have his ear you know. And withdrawals are what it's all about these days. Think of this as an strategic advance not a retreat," he added.

]]> Lowest Score on Exam, Confused Iraq with Iran
According to the group's geography teacher, Mr. Uzbecknotistan, they scored the lowest point total ever in the course. "These guys even mixed up Iran and Iraq. I realize that they're our country's advisors to the President but we don't give any partial credit in my classroom. If you can't tell one country from another, you flunk! They not only thought that the two countries were the same, they thought they were located in the Saudi Arabian peninsula. Jesus, what's next? Screwing up the "stans". I'd like to see where they think Tajikistan is located," he said laughing.

Dean Says Special Circumstances May Apply
Dean Mesa Potamian, however, said that he is considering an appeal from the White House. According to school bylaws, in special circumstances, the Dean may reinstate a failing student or group. "I'm looking at it. We made need to educate them especially if they give the President advice. I mean, can you imagine if they mixed up Iran and Iraq and told the President to invade Iraq instead of Iran? Where would we be then?" he said. "I'm looking into it. I didn't say I was granting an absolution. Only the President of the College, Scooter Libby, can do that."

Karl Rove Resigns, President Elated

2007-09-04T17:34:42Z

Continuing the flood of resignations as the exodus from the White House begins a bit early, Karl Rove, one of the President's closest advisors and the subject of derision in the press and scorn among his opponents resigned today. He cited a need to spend more time with his family.

The President had this to say about Rove's leaving. "We are really happy that Karl re-signed and agreed to stay the course. That's what a good man should do and Karl is a good man. I believe in him. And when you believe in somebody, you protect 'em. That's what I do. I make decisions and I protect. I protect the people of this great country from a house of dominos and I make decisions all day long."

"Well, as I said, it is great to know that I have the backing and trust of someone I believe in. Karl will work closely with me and Rummy in the coming years to help fight tearists. And he's a good man for the country. I'm glad he re-signed."

It was not immediately apparent to reporters what the President meant or understood. Presidential spokesperson Tony Snow who also resigned was unavailable for comment on the President's remarks.

Bush Denies All Intelligence

2007-08-22T17:19:59Z

President Speaks in Africanized Killer Bee Carrying Avian Flu Country: Coto de Caza
President Bush, in anticipation of the 6th anniversary of the Twin Towers catastrophe in New York on September 11th, 2001, denied all intelligence about the war in Iraq. Speaking at a Republican fund raiser in Coto de Caza, California, Bush said that while he did make the decision to go into Iraq, he was not involved in the planning or conduct of the war. This astounding acknowledgment of the true role he played in the war making process seems to contradict the positions of many of his deputies.

How to Pick a Country to Invade Bush Style
"I know nothing about the war. No siree Bob! Look, [Secretary] Cheney came to me in October of 2001 and asked me to pick a country to invade in Messopotamia and I chose Iraq." Explaining his choice of countries, Bush had this to say, "He showed me a map that had two Muslim countries spelled nearly the same, Iran and Iraq. I figured there was some redundancy in the United Nations so I chose Iraq. What's the big deal? I'm the deciderer not the intelligencer. I don't make intelligence, I deciderer. You see when I decide, I decider. That's the way it is. The buck stops here. I am the deciderer!"

]]> First Time Bush Admits Mistake
Prior to this speech to the largely friendly audience, it was not clear that Bush knew there was a difference between the two countries. In the past, Bush had mistakenly visited Iran instead of Iraq looking to congratulate the troops for doing an outstanding job in subduing Tehran. He has also admitted to not being able to read leading many to speculate that the the close spelling of two names confused him and that he invaded the wrong country. It is clear now that he just lacked intelligence.

Snow Perplexed
"Look guys, I have no ideas either. I'm not saying that I, like the President, lacked intelligence but, at the time, I didn't know what I was talking about. Perle, Wolfowitz, Feith, Cheney and Rumsfeld and that gang kept us all in the dark. Now I'm not saying they lacked intelligence, but we lacked actionable intelligence. Heck, not even Karl Rove had intelligence. I was perplexed," said Tawny Snow, Presidential spokesperson and former Foxx news anchor. "And please don't tell the president that I knew nothing because he'll just go nucular."

Rumsfeld Disagrees
"That's just him talking to his base and playing politics. The Republicans need to get re-elected. In reality, nothing could be further from the truth. The Iraq group -- Perle, Feith, Wolfowitz, etc. -- planned this whole war out with Cheney. I can't believe Cheney didn't give the President intelligence."

Iraq Study Group Wanted a War...any Where
"The neo cons wanted a war and it didn't matter where. So, we asked the President where we should go and he sad 'to hell'. So we went to Iraq," said Rumsfeld. "I can't help it if he wants to say that he had no intelligence or was clueless. That's his and Laura's, God love her, problem not mine!"

Rumsfeld Resigns

2007-08-17T03:20:01Z

Rumsfeld Tenders His Resignation Before Election
Donald Rumsfeld, current Secretary of Defense and former Chairman of Gilead Sciences tendered his resignation in anticipation of a resounding rejection of his policies in Iraq in the presidential election in 2008.

Rumors Suggest Brain Damage and Homer Simpson Syndrome
     There have been persistent rumors in the media recently suggesting that Rumsfeld would resign after he was found to have suffered a brain injury. Reports suggest that this occurred when he stuck a pencil up his nose to get a... and fell.
     His spokesperson, Paul Wolfowitz, vigorously denied this rumor despite the fact that images of what appears to be a pencil stuck in Rumsfeld's sphenoid sinus on a CT scan taken earlier this year at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Washington, D.C. were circulating on the web.
     He also denied that Rumsfeld was suffering from "Homer Simpson Syndrome." This syndrome is caused by placing a crayon or other object in your brain as Homer Simpson did in a recent episode. "While it is a tragedy for Mr. Simpson and his family, Mr. Rumsfeld does not have any neurological deficits that we can detect at this time."

Re-signing a Blessing Says Bush
Speaking to the media, President Bush had this to say, "We are delighted that Rummy has decided to re-sign with our team. He has been a huge asset to us and we look forward to another two years of his service. Let me have this to say about Rummy. Now he get's a lot of heat. So do I sometimes. Shucks, it seems like we all get heat here in the White House."
He continued, "But the man's got character and I respect that in a man. Ya see, a man has to live by his word. I live by my word. When I say we're going to fight them over there, we're going to fight them over there. Now some of you don't like that. But it's like Vietnam. They're a house of Dominoes. We were there and we weren't there and then we were there. It sort of like hide and go seek. And once they fell we had boat people over here. So that's why we're fighting them in Cambodia and Laos so we don't have boat people. In any case we're glad to have Rummy re-signed."

]]> Spokesperson Tries to Clarify
Presidential spokesperson and former Foxx News anchor tried his best to interpret the President's comments. "What he meant to say is that Iraq and Iran are a lot alike. They both are four letter countries (not a good draw in Scrabble) but one ends in a 'q' and one ends in a 'n'. The 'q' one gives you lot's of points especially on a triple letter square. That's why the President took them first."

Evidence Suggests Brain Injury Syndrome May Be More Widespread in Administration
Tawny Snow also denied rumors that others in the administration and involved in the Iraq policy group might also be suffering from occult "Homer Simpson Syndrome." Blogger's have suggested that Wolfowitz himself, a renowned neo-con (a new confidence man), might have the syndrome. Evidence is provided that he has a similar object to Rumsfeld in his brain and, that in fact his CT scan is a virtual "mirror image" of Rumsfeld's. Wolfowitz was unable to comment.

Cheney Found Alive!

2007-07-26T00:52:02Z

Cheney in the Closet
Dick Cheney, the US Vice-President, has been found alive and unharmed. Virtually disappearing from sight after his recent shooting incident with the former Governor of Texas and then his brush with Federal prosecutors over Scooter Libby, Cheney was found stashed away onboard Air Force One in a water closet. He is now out of the restroom.

Feared for Life
"What did you expect? That I'd be out in the open where that Governor or Libby can shoot me. I already shot Libby. I shot that Governor, what's his name, in the face. I am a dead duck if either of them finds me. I'm sure a hit man is after me," said Cheney explaining his hiding in the restroom.

Traveling with President, Proselytizing
Cheney, traveling with the President while the President tries to rekindle America's love affair with Cheney's war, has been virtually unseen in recent months. Rumors that he was dead or buried in Grant's tomb or in a concrete building cornerstone were routinely pooh-poohed by the White House. "He's alive and well and planning our next war I can assure you," said White House spokesperson and former Foxx news anchor Tawny Snow.

Bush Plans Secret War in Iraq

2007-07-25T22:52:02Z

Secret White House Task Force Formed
George W. Bush, acting as Commander in Chief of the US Armed Forces, launched a secret advisory task force in the White House tasked with developing a battle plan for the invasion of Iraq.
Tawny Snow, the former Foxx news anchor and current Presidential spokesperson, denied the existence of the task force or any plans for an invasion of Iraq. "We've been through this before and there's just no credible evidence to suggest that the rumor is true," he unequivocally stated.

Bush's Not Too Secret Plan. A Mistake?
Rumors of plans for an invasion of Iraq have dogged the administration as far back as December, 2006 when numerous blog sites, including this one, reported on Bush's secret plan. At the time, it was thought that he had mistaken Iraq for Iran, a close by Muslim country.

Iraq or Iran?
At the time, Snow said that while it was possible, he could neither deny nor confirm the President's apparent confusion. "He had anesthesia for his colonoscopy several months ago and there maybe some lingering after effects," he said apologetically. "It's hard to tell when's he's confused or just normal like."

Snow "Clears" Up the Confusion Over Battle Plans
When pressed for clarification of his previous denial, Snow had this to say: "When I say there's no credible evidence, it means just that. There's no one left here with any credibility who has presented any evidence or said anything about the existence of such a task force. Now that doesn't mean that one does or doesn't exist, it's just that it's a rumor and we don't engage in rumors. We only talk about facts or evidence and I haven't seen any. Is that clear?"

Bush Strikes Out at Opponents of Iraq War
As usual, for his part, the President only seemed to add to the confusion. Speaking this week at the Charleston Air Force Base, Bush tried to emphatically lay out the case for an invasion. "There are those that will tell you that Al Queda in Iraq is not part of the global war on terror. Do not be fooled by the devil. When I say that they are part of Iran, I mean Al Queda, they're part of Al Queda. It's just that simple. You see, when I say something, I mean it. That is why we are respecturated around the world. If I say it, I mean it. It's just that simple. And I said it so I mean it. Next question."

]]> Brainfleas presents the following recording of Bush's speech in Charleston verbatim to help clear things up.

Bush Clears Up the Confusion Over Al Queda in Iraq
"As far as I'm concerned, they're the same. That's why I invaded Iraq. It says Al Queda and it says Iraq; how simple can you get? I mean if someone is going to tell you where they are hiding then you're going to go looking for them there. It's like hunting. [Laughing] Ask Dick Cheney. You're not going to go to Texas and not bag an ex-Governor or two."

Al Queda in Iraq is Part of Global War on Terror
[Laughing] Look some on Capitol Hill will have you believe that Al Zawahiri or Al Zarqawi or whatever is just a nice guy bringing meals on wheels to old ladies that are shut ins. Nothing can be further from the truth. He is bad. He's worse than Bruce Willis. God I loved that film. I mean he's bad and bad people are bad. And we have to deal with them and we have to do it on their territory. We don't want bad men owning 7-eleven stores in America like Awpuu."
"So we've got to fight them there. In Afghanistan where they are hiding. And in Pakistan. That's why Iraq is so important. It is the domino you know. Like Vietnam. Everybody remembers Vietnam? Well it fell and then we had boat people. So we need to fight them in Iraq so we don't get boat people. If Iraq falls, so will Vietnam."

Boat People and The Secret War Plan
     Bush was asked by Sergeant First Class Akshun Jakson if the President had a secret plan to invade Iraq. In a partially lucid moment Bush answered, "Of course, of course I do. When the time comes we're going to invade Iraq. I'm making no secret about it. You see, there's badness in there that needs to be routed out. You can't just let badness fester. It get's like a boil. So I'm going to go and invade Iraq. To get rid of the boil on Iraq."
     "And we'll bring democracy to the people of Iraq. You see, no one wants to talk about it but the people of Iraq want democracy. And I'm going to free the people and give them democracy. Now Al Queda may not want democracy, and Iraq may not want peace and democracy but we do. So I'm going to invade them. For our peace and democracy. That's why I said it. And I meant it. I keep my word.
     "Ya see Sam [Donaldson, ABC reporter], I'm not like you. I can't go and say something and then not do it. We don't want boat people. So I said it. It is factual now. If I want the nuns to help, we'll get the nuns to help."

Snow Denies Presidents Knowledge
Snow had this to say. "Look. What can I say? He probably meant to say that there is no credible evidence of a secret task force drawing up a battle plan to invade Iraq. Maybe they're meeting in the open. Maybe or maybe not. I just can't conclude because when the President says so that it is credible. We always check the veracity of our sources in the White House. You see, we can't be part of rumors. And until now, it is just a rumor."

Promises Rehab Announces New Membership Program

2007-07-24T21:57:31Z

Promises Offers Memberships
Promises, the exclusive and expensive Malibu drug rehabilitation center announced today that it is offering memberships to guests with frequent stays. "We think this is a great solution for some of our frequent fliers like Lindsay Lohan, Christian Slater, or Britney Spears," said cruise director Melissa Francis.

Benefits for Frequent Flyers
"It offers a lot of benefits that are not available to less frequent users. We provide housing on a separate concierge floor, greeting basket with crack and cheese, hot tubs for two or more, reserved spaces poolside with good exposure to photographers, late afternoon tea with actual tea, free shuttle service from jail and guaranteed availability. Heck, we even reimburse clients for the phone call!" said Francis.

]]> Lohan First to Use Service?
Some clients may need the service. Lindsay Lohan only made it 5 days after her last release before she checked into the Santa Monica Jail. However, that is not the apparent record. She was reportedly admonished by the staff during her last rehab stay for drinking and using cocaine on her 21st birthday. "We had a focus group the last time everybody was in and they came up with the perks. Britney really liked the guaranteed availability and Paris liked the free phone calls," said Francis.

Points Redeemable at Duty Free Shops?
"We considered a lot of options," added Francis. "We thought about a frequent flyer program with Northwestern Airlines, a points program good for redemption at duty free shops, and ferry rides from Stockholm to Finland. In the end we went with the membership program since the clients are used to it." Currently, Promises guests have a free membership at the Spectrum Sports Club in Malibu where they are allowed to work out with their personal trainers.

Fred Reportedly Plans New Diamond "Rehab" Bracelet
"We are not," Franc Li Ly Ng, public relations director for Fred, the exclusive Beverly Hills Jeweler said emphatically. "We are not. It would be in bad taste. We would never take advantage of some of our best customers," he added.
Reportedly, the bracelet mimics a cross between an alcohol monitor and a GPS device. It is made of platinum, is one inch across and features one hundred diamonds. It will cost ~$130K, the usual cost of a cruise at Promises in Malibu. Allegedly, Fred will label it under its Britney & Lindsay brand as the S & H CrossTrainer.

FDA Approves Marijuana (Marelax)

2007-07-22T19:54:05Z

Approved for Excessive Ambition Syndrome
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the popular street drug Marijuana (Marelax) (also known as pot, Mary Jane and others) for the treatment of excessive ambition syndrome. This syndrome affects millions of individuals world wide including numerous individuals who have no idea that they have the disease.

Bush Has Excessive Ambition Syndrome
"A perfect example would be George Bush. He sought higher [sic, no pun intended] office and thinks he can be the US president. This is clearly delusional thinking and evidence of his excessive ambition. This type of excessive ambition can have devastating effects on the life of the individual and those who are near them. Do you really think we would have gone to war if he was smoking joints? Instead he was doing coke and alcohol in the past? Maybe that's the explanation for the war that the rest of the of the world has waited for," she added.

Identifying Those at Risk
     Mark Rocker of the marijuana advocacy group NORML said "Wow, this is big. I mean like wow. Big. Reeeeally big! It was cool. We helped name it. We were going to call it 'Weed' or 'Relax' or 'Pot' but they were in use." He was unable to comment further.
     The Right Reverend Author Dan Coulter called this the onset of the apocalypse. "There can be no clearer a sign that the end is near. Bush is loosing in Iraq, men are getting married to each other, parenthetically, I might add that I have no problem with girls marrying girls, and now the approval of a gateway drug by the Government. We're going to have millions of people hooked on hard drugs like alcohol and Vicodin as a result of this. It is a terrible move."
     The FDA issued guidelines on the drug's use. "We expect that only those individuals with high levels of ambition will be candidates for the drug. Anyone demonstrating an ability to get tasks done, routinely go to work, ever staying late, skipping vacations, unable to identify skateboard stars or seeking public office of any type would be candidates," said FDA Commissioner Sarah Ann Panz.

]]> Ambition is Deadly
The FDA simultaneously released an informational pamphlet for the public to help them identify persons suffering from excessive ambition. Among other symptoms, the FDA identified the following:

	Signs or symptoms
	Acts like Mr. George Bush Acts like Carrot Top Acts like Dick Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Pearle, Douglas Feith or any member of the Jefferson Society

Individuals displaying these behaviors should be reefered to a doctor for evaluation and treatment with marijuana.

Studies Were Never Completed
The FDA deviated greatly in its usual manner of approving drugs by accepting the application that it wrote without completed clinical trials. The agency relied on NORML and other groups to lead the trials but they were unable to accomplish the task.

Agency Tries to Do Application by Itself
The agency later wrote the trials themselves knowing the importance of the drug in the fight against war, hunger, and alcohol. "Unfortunately, no one could complete the trials. Once they got the marijuana, they failed to show up for further visits. We'd find them at places like Burger King, Dairy Queen and Little Caesar's Pizza. So we gave up," said Ms. Panz.

Bush Descended From Great Ape; Blow to Darwinism

2007-07-15T15:42:43Z

Scientists today provided unequivocal evidence from multiple sources demonstrating that George W. Bush was indeed descended from the Great Ape.
Previous studies of his brain had disputed such a conclusion. Speaking on behalf of a world wide research team, Dr. August P. Von Stuepnagel said that Bush's brain, although pea sized, is shaped like the Great Ape's. "There is no doubt about it. We are sorry to say but he, like all the rest of us, is descended from the Great Apes.

Blow to Darwinism
This is an astounding blow to Darwin's theory of evolution. Darwin held that descendants would be superior in some aspect to their fore father's thereby giving them a survival advantage. "To find a specimen such as Bush this far along the evolutionary chain who is so clearly defective calls Darwin's theory into doubt, "said Stuepnagel.

Christians Hail Findings as Validation of Creationism
Around the world, fundamentalist Christians hailed the findings. "See, we told you that God could create anything he wanted at anytime. Whether it's the great flood and Noah, or it's George Bush, God has a hand in it," said the Right Reverend Author Dan Coulter. "Yeah, it must be some kind of a joke, a cruel joke indeed, if God was his creator." said Stuepnagel in retort.

]]> MR Used to Compare Brains
Scientists used a relatively new machine to compare George Bush's brain to that of the prototypical Great Ape. The MR relies on magnetic waves to "see" the brain. "We wished we could have used a newer technique, functional MR imaging, but for that you need to have a brain that functions normally," said Stuepnagel. "Nonetheless the brains appear to be mirror images of each other. We're pretty confident of our findings."

Findings May Apply to All Republicans
Stuepnagel speculated that the team's findings may not be so extraordinary. "We would love to look at a cross section of the brains of Republican voters. It may be that they are all look like this and Bush is just one example of this syndrome. It might also explain how he was elected twice to the Presidency," he said. "We are also looking for some evidence that he has displayed ape like behavior aside for going to war in the wrong country."

Bush Excommunicates Libby

2007-07-10T21:53:43Z

Excessive Commute
Citing what he said was an excessive commute, President Bush today excommunicated Lewis "Scooter" Libby. Bush left intact some of Libby's penance saying that it was sufficient punishment for such a loyal servant.

Bush Met with Pope
Reporters from Foxx and other news organizations pressed presidential press secretary Tawny Snow for clarification. He stated that the President had met with the Pope and, after kissing his ring, asked for help with the Iraq war. The Pope declined.

]]> Bush as Decider
"The President is the decider and what he decides is inscrutable. The President decides and he is the decider" said Snow. "When the President was told that Libby had legal problems and needed to have a pardon, Bush decided to excommunicate him instead.
"They told me he had a long commute so I dealt with it," he said in the Rose Garden. "I think we should look after our servants. They tell me Libby was one of the best at carrying water and that goes along way for someone like me who is from Texas." Reporters were left confused.

Bush Mum on Annulment
The excommunication comes on the day that Libby was to surrender himself to Federal Marshals and begin his 2 1/2 year term. It is unclear if he will also have his marriage annulled by the President. On that subject, the President said that he would wait and see what happens after Libby has a shorter commute.

New Book of Revelations Found

2007-07-05T19:48:51Z

It has been many years since the Dead Sea scrolls were found in the desert surrounding the Dead Sea. However, archeologists, working with Heraldo Rivera, a Foxx reporter, have uncovered what they believe to be a new Book of Revelations.

Found in a drawer in a house in Galilee under some old Playboys, the book is dated 36 AD suggesting that it was written by one of the apostles. The initial news reports that it was written by Judas Iscariot are probably wrong as he is known to have been writing his own gospel at the time.

The most striking feature of the new book is an explanation for lingerie worn at night by women in the first century. The pictures are remarkably well preserved and suggest that Playboy magazines may have a use other than reading the articles. The new Book explains for example, the hidden meaning of a T-shirt as well as the meaning of a bustier. Below are some of the translations, as provided to Foxx in an exclusive story, by Father Guido Sarducci, Jr.

Lanz cotton night gown = no way Jose (notice the hands on hips). Probability = 0% Temperature in Hell = -276 F.

]]> One of your new cotton T-shirts = Only if you're Don Juan or Brad Pitt. Probability = 5% Temperature in Hell = 31 F

Spaghetti strap spandex top with built in sport bra and white cotton shorts = Are you kidding? Is she going to the gym or bed? Probability = not bad if she's had a few Margaritas, 35% Temperature in Hell = 55 F.

Nylon Bustier with matching leather panties worn by the material girl herself = Very good especially if your into 'light' S&M Probability = 75% Temperature in Hell = 100 F

None, passed out drunk on the bed = Hmm... this is a real moral dilemma . Probably faced by most men in history. Still unsolved problem with lots of 'gray areas' and no guidance from Father Sarducci, Jr. Moral compass pointing far North. Probability = depends on whether she will remember and/or respect you in the morning. If no then = 100% Temperature in Hell = For you buddy, you're going straight to hell for even considering this. 212 F.

Additional sections from the Book of Revelations were found and will be shared as the pages are unstuck and translations from the good Father Sarducci, Jr. become available to FOXX.

Nolte, Nowak Announce Marriage

2007-06-30T21:08:36Z

Uniting two of America's shining lights, Nick Nolte announced that he had secretly married Lisa Nowak at a Walmart store in Orlando. "She was shopping for some diapers (size 0) and I was looking for some Depends," said Nolte. "They don't have that size in jail you know."

For her part, Nowak professed that this was a match made in heaven and that she had forgotten all about Captain Colleen Shipman. Shipman was the 'other woman' in a love triangle with Bill Oefelein whom Nowak allegedly assaulted in an Orlando, FL airport. She allegedly drove from Houston, TX to Orlando, FL wearing diapers so that she did not have to make a 'pit stop'.

"I'm over that. I'm not going there. Nick and I fell in love in the parking lot doing a deal and we got married inside by the greeter. The greeter assured us that he was a Justice of the Peace," she said. Nolte said that the newly married couple planned to honeymoon at a Sam's Club in Orlando after Nowak is cleared of all charges.

TERROR ATTACKS, Bush Watches on Foxx TV

2007-06-29T22:19:46Z

More Attacks
Repeated terrorist attacks continued in Great Britain today with a successful third bombing in Glasgow, Scotland. Yesterday, in two separate incidents, cars were found with explosive devices and projectiles. Given the crudity of the devices, it is assumed not to be attacks by al Queda.

Bush Wins Fishing Competition
President Bush, vacationing in Kennebunkport, ME, is monitoring the events by Blackberry and TV news while he fishes, goes to church, and plans a wife swap for tonight. Bush 43, took the fishing competition by landing a 6 ounce Chilean Sea Bass. He attended services this morning at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion.

]]> Wife Swap Planned
Tonight, the Bushes plan a wife swap. "I watched that show on Foxx with Laura and we thought it would be fun to swap with Mom and Dad," the President bellowed from a boat. "I think it will be cool to sleep again with Mom." Barbara bush denied any Oedipal issues with Bush 43. "He's just stupid. What can I say? You guys are the ones who elected him. Can you believe he's fishing and thinking about wife swapping when London and Glasgow are having bombing attacks?"